God must have been bored...or an asshole.
So, like usual on my downtime, I was Stumbling about the internet, and I came across this article. It talks about some Muslims in Britain that want to include certain religious laws in with British Law. In it, the author lists some of these Muslim laws. Some are pretty common sense, but others...
* the right shoe should be put on first, followed by the left;
* you should lie on your right when sleeping;
* you should sit down to eat.
Ok, so I know the focus of the article was more on separation of church and state and all that yeah yeah. Don't get me started on religious laws in the US...grumble damn blue laws keepin' me from buyin' booze on Sundays! Wtf. Anyways, I was more struck by how absolutely STUPID these rules were. I would like to think that the supreme and all powerful god of the universe would have better things to do than to decree what side was more holy to sleep on! I'm certainly going to hell for that apple I munched on *gasp* standing at the bus stop the other day. I'm sure many of you know its not just Islam. The first 5 books of the bible are pretty much filled with this junk. I can't dine on some delicious shrimp, but locusts...om nom nom! If he wasn't bored...he certainly was a prick.
You know what I think? I think that Mohammed was some bored guy who got drunk one night and decided to find out how much crazy shit he could get other people to do if he claimed to be a prophet. Moses was probably up on top of Mt Sinai smoking pot and giggling his ass off as he wrote all those laws. Is it a coincidence that he claimed a burning bush talked to him? I think not! And now millions of people around the world are looking at some of this stuff as the right way to live! Gahhhhh!
So now I, prophet of the Holy and All Knowing Ball of Yarn on the Floor, do decree the following laws, handed unto me by His Skeinlyness.
Thou shalt always use a separate knife for peanut butter and for jelly (or at least wipe it off in between!)
He who drinks shitty beer is unclean in My sight. Thou must sacrifice a six-pack of something good to My prophet to please Me. (Note from the prophet, I like anything Leinies!)
Any person, young or old, woman or man, caught listening to Nickleback must be dragged out into the street and stoned. Chad Kroeger is most offensive to My Holy Ears.
Holy is the man who hangs his toilet paper in the overhand fashion.
Blessed are those who do not drive slow in the passing lane. Eternal Yarn shall be theirs.
Well, I...umm I mean The Ball of Yarn, is tired of making up rules.
Oh and I should probably say good-bye now. Some certain fundamentalists will probably get wind of my Mohammed comments and I'll have a fatwa on me before you can say "Lay off those Danish cartoonists!"
P.S. yay no more Bush!
* the right shoe should be put on first, followed by the left;
* you should lie on your right when sleeping;
* you should sit down to eat.
Ok, so I know the focus of the article was more on separation of church and state and all that yeah yeah. Don't get me started on religious laws in the US...grumble damn blue laws keepin' me from buyin' booze on Sundays! Wtf. Anyways, I was more struck by how absolutely STUPID these rules were. I would like to think that the supreme and all powerful god of the universe would have better things to do than to decree what side was more holy to sleep on! I'm certainly going to hell for that apple I munched on *gasp* standing at the bus stop the other day. I'm sure many of you know its not just Islam. The first 5 books of the bible are pretty much filled with this junk. I can't dine on some delicious shrimp, but locusts...om nom nom! If he wasn't bored...he certainly was a prick.
You know what I think? I think that Mohammed was some bored guy who got drunk one night and decided to find out how much crazy shit he could get other people to do if he claimed to be a prophet. Moses was probably up on top of Mt Sinai smoking pot and giggling his ass off as he wrote all those laws. Is it a coincidence that he claimed a burning bush talked to him? I think not! And now millions of people around the world are looking at some of this stuff as the right way to live! Gahhhhh!
So now I, prophet of the Holy and All Knowing Ball of Yarn on the Floor, do decree the following laws, handed unto me by His Skeinlyness.
Thou shalt always use a separate knife for peanut butter and for jelly (or at least wipe it off in between!)
He who drinks shitty beer is unclean in My sight. Thou must sacrifice a six-pack of something good to My prophet to please Me. (Note from the prophet, I like anything Leinies!)
Any person, young or old, woman or man, caught listening to Nickleback must be dragged out into the street and stoned. Chad Kroeger is most offensive to My Holy Ears.
Holy is the man who hangs his toilet paper in the overhand fashion.
Blessed are those who do not drive slow in the passing lane. Eternal Yarn shall be theirs.
Well, I...umm I mean The Ball of Yarn, is tired of making up rules.
Oh and I should probably say good-bye now. Some certain fundamentalists will probably get wind of my Mohammed comments and I'll have a fatwa on me before you can say "Lay off those Danish cartoonists!"
P.S. yay no more Bush!
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Comment by Morgan Matthew on January 21, 2009 at 4:22pm -
Very valid points Sniz. "Well, I...umm I mean The Ball of Yarn, is tired of making up rules." haha
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Comment by Misty: Baytheist Living! on January 24, 2009 at 3:47am -
The only Bush I'd like to see burned is....................
Wait. That's not entirely true. I did my own fair share of bush burning in college.
Wait.. that isn't entirely true either. I still do it.
Ok. No more jokes about executing former presidents. It just leads to the realization I should probably lay off the drugs.
Thanks for sharing. That was fun!
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Comment by Frink on January 27, 2009 at 11:38am -
Heh, good post. Good luck on the forthcoming fatwa.
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Comment by SabreNation on January 27, 2009 at 12:03pm -
Great post. One of my biggest issues with religion in general was that God always struck me as an uptight dick and not really the type of dude I'd want to spend eternity with. I mean, if he has these kind of anal, ridiculous laws for us on earth, imagine what he's like when you're in his house?
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Comment by Frink on January 27, 2009 at 12:11pm
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Sabre, I couldn't agree more. If God turned out to be real and we were all wrong, I still wouldn't follow him.
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Comment by MightyMateo on February 19, 2009 at 11:26pm -
Funny, I always thought it would be interesting to start up some type of fake religious sect who's views "paralleled" christianities at first sight. I like the yarn idea...can I steal it? Moses did not smoke pot, he was a oil head (Gerin Oil) ;)
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Comment by Sniz on February 20, 2009 at 1:29am -
For sure Mateo. I got the idea because the ball was on the floor....I mean Yea, and the Holy Ball of Yarn sat upon the Golden FloorThrone and Reigned Over the Other Crap There. Verily, the Chem Book and Odd Sock, Laptop Cord and Pack of Gum did All Bow Before the Holy Yarn.
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Comment by MightyMateo on February 20, 2009 at 4:47am
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lol, ever heard of the church of the magical flying spaghetti monster? I came across it in a Dawkins book. Apparently a group of atheist got together and started a religion worshiping an imaginary spaghetti monster that is able to be everywhere and touch everyone with his many glorious noodles. Fuckin hilarious.
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Comment by Dan on February 20, 2009 at 5:01am -
We have the Church or Earl
(of sandwich) here. Search the groups.
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