Archaeologists working in Turkey believe they have found the missing foreskin of Jesus Christ. While excavating an ancient church known as Beggars Corner, an eighth century building in Sinop, Turkey, they discovered an alabaster-box containing a perfectly preserved bit of flesh, wrapped in goat skin which had been treated with oil of spikenard.
Excavation head, Professor Boo-Boo Von Gulgun definitively stated; "We have found the missing foreskin of our lord and saviour Jesus Christ, and judging by it's size he must have been very popular with the ladies. It is by far the most important artifact we have unearthed since discovering the petrified turd of Moses in 1986."
However, not all researchers working on the project are as convinced of it's authenticity as Professor Boo-Boo. Dr. James Frazier, who worked with Boo-Boo until last June stated, "I'm not convinced. If all the pieces clamed to be the missing foreskin of Jesus were brought together we'd be able to make a skin suits like that guy from Silence Of The Lambs. My guess is this is nothing more then some creepy ancient Christian collecting discarded foreskin for weird sexual purposes. Besides, can we really be expected to trust what a guy named "Boo-Boo" tells us?"
Responding to Dr. Frazier, Professor Boo-Boo commented, "That's absurd, we'd never be able to make a skin suit. At best we might get an over sized yamaka with enough left over for a chin strap, but never a skin suit. And Boo-Boo is a very well respected name where I come from, jerk."
So what originally happened to Jesus' discarded foreskin, and why has it turned up now? In addition to the account in the Gospel of Luke (2:21), the apocryphal Arabic Infancy Gospel contains the first reference to the missing scrap of tissue. The second chapter contains a story about an old Hebrew woman taking the foreskin to feed to her hungry children when she was stopped by a vision of God who told her not to eat the scrap, "Take heed, saith the Lord, I and He are one, eat not mine phallus flesh, for it is more then just an appetizer, it can feed the world." From here, the woman is said to have wrapped the fragment in animal skins and given it to her son for safe keeping.
The Vatican has already expressed intrest in the discovery and has started to build a museum to house the artifact. Bishop Bambino Stupro of Vatican City commented yesterday, "Weather or not this really is the missing foreskin of Jesus is irrelevant. We have already begun construction on it's new home and plan on selling tickets to the grand opening next year. If we make just half as much on this relic as we made on the Shroud of Turin, we'll be able to buy the Pope another pointy hat, with enough left over to pay off the families whose kids I showed my penis to." When asked about weather or not they should wait until the discovery has been authenticated, Bishop Stupro said, "Why does that matter? The Shroud of Turin was shown to be a fake, but we're still telling people its real. We can just do the same here."
Beggars Corner Church has been a hot spot for the discovery of holy relics over the past several years. In 2005 the first windup dildo was found in the north-east corner, where it is said one of the first female instructors of Christianity, Sister Mary Vibratore, spent long hours in prayer. In 2010, just as his funding was running out, Professor Boo-Boo unearthed what is still considered to be the greatest finds of the new century, The Holy Diaper of Sinop. It is said to be one of Jesus Christ's diapers from his youth, "That was an amazing day" said Boo-Boo. "Not only did we find our saviours diaper, but it still had fecal matter that smelled as fresh as the poop in my own diaper, and even tasted like it as well."