Being a thinking, critical, and questioning Christian is hard work. But intellectual arguments (mostly) aside, what about love. More specifically God's Love. God's ever present, unfailing, over-whelming, ya-can't-touch-this-even-if-you-were-MC-Hammer Love. How does one reach, recognise and feel that love?
Some of you may find this familiar but for those who don't, let me just take you on a brief tour of the process of becoming a Christian:
You've discovered God is real and have decided you want to be a Christian, so either with someone else or by yourself, you say something along the lines of "I'm sorry for all the wrong I've done, Jesus please be in my life, I accept you into my life" and then you'll probably get baptised.
Now everything isn't suddenly all in place and you're suddenly the perfect Christian, so there's some work to be done, got to start socialising with Christians, going to church, reading the bible and praying regularly. Most important is getting to know God, in order to trust God, in order for you to know how much God loves you and feel his love.
I. Don't. Feel. His. Love. ...and it's frustrating.
Over a year of work, suppressing some questions, reading the bible, spending time with God and I don't feel that almighty love that people keep telling me about - that may not take the situations they're facing away but seems to make the cloud not lined with silver but gold... and the clouds are well... fluffier so you don't mind so much. Okay, well lets try not to get dogmatic about this, but it is frustrating - in a way that if I possessed the confidence I might make a video with effects of me jumping around the screen asking different questions on this matter and talking to "other self" on the screen and referring to myself in third person. However she does not possess such confidence... wait, I... I mean I don't possess such confidence; why? Well... what's wrong with me? Why doesn't God love me... or show me his love, have me feel his love? Seems everyone else is feeling it... why not me? Am I defective? I have already concluded that if I am to believe scripture that God is perfect, so he is not at fault in this. Am I missing something? Maybe I missed something. Perhaps there are only so many people who "get it".
Furthermore, I was never brought up, taught or thought for one moment that God would ever make me feel any of the above things I mentioned, things that I feel right now. There was a time perhaps (and maybe certain things now) that would cause me to think that being a Christian is about loathing oneself or at least coming to terms with the fact that you've screwed up majorly in God's eyes... but I never really thought I'd feel unloved or like there was something wrong with me. I imagine much like SuperTed felt back when he was an ordinary teddy bear and rejected from the rest when they're seemed to no difference in him at all.
What would a person do to feel the love of God? What would a person do for it, if they have never felt it? How long does one keep searching? Reaching? Hurting?