Finding my Religion
I thought it was time to pick up on my de-conversion story.
After Jesus Camp, I realized that Catholicism was not going to be my religion anymore. But at that time, I had almost no knowledge of other religions, even other Christian religions. I had simply always “known” that they were wrong; that Catholicism was the only “right” religion.
I started looking at what I thought would be the opposite of what I knew. I didn’t even understand what that meant. I started with Buddhism. I really didn’t get into it too much. I liked that when I thought of Buddhism, the image of a fat, happy guy came to mind. That seemed such a difference from the morbid crucifix I associated with my old faith. But Buddhism was simply too foreign for me. Still, I looked to another Eastern religion.
I thought Hinduism was going to be better, but I found it even more foreign. I never saw a similarity between Jesus and Krishna. At the time I expected Krishna to more closely resemble Mohammed from Islam. I have no idea what gave me that impression. Maybe because they both seemed lecherous? Anyway, Krishna wasn’t for me. He seemed as real as Zeus or Hercules.
Here’s where I looked at Islam. Now, at the time, Islam had not so much built the bad image it has today. Nonetheless, it was a bit adversarial. I didn’t get much further than the covering up women are supposed to do. That and the whole “it was one who ‘looked’ like Jesus who was crucified” thing kinda bothered me. So far, I hadn’t spent much time with any religion, and without digging too deep, I had found major obstacles. I never referred to myself as a Buddhist, a Hindu, or a Muslim. But for a time, I was Wiccan, right before I became Satanic.
Wicca really appealed to me. “Do as thee will, harm none” sounded great. The “Blessed Be” was sweet music. It reminded me of the Christian morals, without the Christ figure. At the time, that’s what I thought I wanted. Plus, the whole “magick” thing was new and interesting. I still have a “spellbook”. Coming from Catholicism, it was easy for me to identify with “practicing magic”. New prayers, new rituals, same discipline, same results. But Ouija boards seemed far more entertaining than Bible prophecy, and just as accurate.
Since Wicca’s spells were just as effective as Christian prayer, it took me a while before realizing I had traded one mythology for another. When I did, I felt dupped by Wicca. Not by Wiccans, they had always been as honest as they could have been. They really did not see the resemblance. Still, I left Wicca a little more disenchanted.
Satanism was more of a return home. This was basically Christianity, just pulling for the other guy. One thing I really liked about Satanism, though, was that it emphasized individuality more that any of the others. In Satanism, I felt that I had more of a responsibility for personal morals, and less of a doctrine to follow. I really liked this, but as time went on, the juxtaposition of Satanism to Christianity became too much. It was like a constant drama, straight out of a bad high school musical. I had graduated high school; I decided it was time for me to get my diploma from Satanism.
At this point, I looked back on what I had learned. I quickly noticed that in each religion, there were things I liked and things I didn’t. I had realized a long time ago that I picked and chose aspects of Christianity to suit my taste, why not do this to all the religions I had sampled? This sounded like a fantastic idea. I called my new set of beliefs, Me-ism. Get it? Me – ism? Maybe a name like scientology would have been better.
Me-ism was sadly doomed. I could never get the dogma right. My bible was as full with contradictions as the original. Many of the religions I was trying to meld just did not want to play nice together. Most of all, I had the worst time trying to explain my beliefs to anyone else. But that was mostly due to the fact I could barely explain them to myself. I didn’t believe in Buddhism, but I wanted the symbol of my religion to be a happy, fat guy. I didn’t believe in Krishna, but I found horny, blue dudes with flutes to be cool. Mohammed was left out, I’m afraid. Child molesters didn’t score well in my new faith. Magic was abundant; ghosts and spirits were real; demons fought for my soul; I had a soul-ar ray gun. (Soul-ar, I thought I was sooo clever)
When I found my own religion, I realized it was time to grow up, and leave religion behind.