I truly hate Tuesdays. It hasn't got that 'fresh' feel of a Mondays which, although painful, lends a slight feeling of a page turned in the New Testament of Dave. Neither does it have the warm glow of "Almost There" Wednesdays, nor the near orgasmic release of Fridays. In short, Tuesdays are the perpetual boarding lounge in the holiday that is my life.
In sheer desperation, I turned to an old friend: Free-To-Air TV.
Entertain me, I said to my TV, a sense of hopeless desperation and slight mania lending my voice a quavering falsetto. My palms go clammy at the thought of stumbling upon Reality Television. I fumble with the remote.
"Click" My TV replied, as it turned on.
This was my first time I'd ever watched Eli Stone, and I can honestly say that not only did it leave a bad taste in my mouth, it shat on my coffee table, molested my cat and urinated in the kitchen sink on the way out. It was horrible. For the benefit of the 18 people globally that don't know what Eli Stone is about, I'll write a brief point-form synopsis, but please bear in mind that I'm basing this on viewing one episode:
1. Eli used to be A Bit Of A Prick (He is a lawyer after all)
2. Eli had a brain injury of some type (stroke, perhaps?)
3. As a result of said injury, Eli has a nasty little blood clot crouching on his brain.
5. VISIONS FROM GOD! (Or "PROFIT!", if you prefer.)
Presumably, blood clots are the celestial equivalent of a short-wave radio.
We've established that Eli has visions from god about helping certain people. Obviously, Eli's friends and family doubt this, stubbornly refusing to release their vice-like grip on rational thought and logic. Damn stubborn people! BELIEVE IN THE CLOT!
In this particular episode, Eli tells his new girlfriend about the visions from god, to which she reacts completely inappropriately by assuming he's a nutcase. Alas, our protagonist is stitched up by the doubting thomas(ette), and he is all alone once more. Eli then proceeds to spend the next day being emo at his sidekick, the Chinese Holistic Medicine Practitioner. Yes, I do realise what they did there.
It gets better.
In this particular episode, Eli is defending a young, female genius from the State. The little scamp had apparently got hold of some weapons grade Plutonium, and was using it in her back yard to "Get a handle on Cold Fusion." Personally, the limits of my back-yard projects stretch to pulling down the engine from my lawnmower, but hey, takes all kinds.
The girl is slim, attractive and a monster bitch. She's arrogant, stand-offish, frequently condescending and has a massive chip on her shoulder when it comes to The Man. Her time is split equally between staring down her nose at people and pretending she doesn't care about anything, because people totally suck and you wouldn't Get Her, anyway.
The Emo-Bitch-Genius nearly goes to jail because she's so stubborn and arrogant, but Eli saves the day by getting her a job with ANOTHER genius. This particular genius is a fat, balding middle aged man with glasses and a tweed pull-over. He looks like he'd sweat in an igloo.
What did I learn from one episode of Eli Stone? I'll tell you:
1. All scientifically inclined people are either a) Fat; b) Arrogant twats; c) Ugly or, d) Misguided.
2. You should keep your Faith(TM) strong, even though the lord may test you by cock-blocking.
3. Alternative medicine really works, and is TOTALLY legitimate and stuff.
4. People with Faith(TM) are ALWAYS nicer people than those without.
5. People that are sceptical about god should GTFO.
6. Acupuncture can show you the future.
7. George Micheal may be jesus.
Honestly, I've never been so revolted with a TV show in my entire life. If Eli Stone isn't pay-rolled by a religious sect, I'll hit myself in the head with a hammer till I, too, can commune with the big guy upstairs. Maybe he can explain to me why a storyline which was obviously written on butchers paper in crayon managed to get pitched to a network successfully.