Dirty Little Secret
(I had made this blog private because... well... I get a little weirded out by a lot of emotional poop, but Johnny encouraged me to make this public... so here it is anyway. Thanks, Johnny.)
First of all... I hate Vista... with my soul, or whatever it is that causes consciousness... I hate it!!! >:[
Secondly.
I can't do it. I guess this is where my doulble-life begins; this is where I learn what it's like to hide the very essence of who I am... because I just can't bare the consequences of honesty. Am I a coward? It won't help The Cause for them to know... they won't understand; they'll never, ever understand. They don't WANT to understand. They tell me non-believers don't understand... but I do, better than I ever have in my life. I've been on that side; I've sat on the pillar looking down, claiming no unbeliever could ever understand the heights of my perception, never knowing the extent of my ignorance. I haven't forgotten what it is to think "worldy knowledge" could never match God's wisdom; His ways are mysterious and unknowable. But, Christians... well... they have "The Spirit" in them, and so they inherently know what those who aren't "saved" can't possibly... which, in reality, is nothing.
It's insulting and hurtful. It's like they've forgotten everything. Do they not remember how devoted I was? Do they not remember who I am and my character? Does none of it give me any credibility? Now, they speak to me as if I've never even heard the name, Jesus, in my life. It's like they forget I'm their daughter and granddaughter; they forget they're the ones who raised me and ingrained in me all the Scriptures. Even being atheist, the Bible is stamped on my brain forever. I've experienced all the emotional highs a Christian claims to have; I've had prayers answered; I've been healed of "sickness"... there's no facet of that religion I've not been fully involved in. So... how can they talk to me the way they do?
The hardest thing is that I've realized their God is truly more important than anything else. They don't know me; they don't care to know me. They would rather smash everything beautiful and unique inside of me; they would overlook and invalidate everything inside me that I cherish... just so I don't stray too far away. My intelligence is worthless; my passion is worthless; my talents, my thoughts... none of it matters. They talk about individualism as if it's something God created, but it's the first thing to be "sacrificed" in order to be a good follower of Christ. DENY THYSELF!!! God supposedly took the time to create a unique fingerprint for me, but... oh the mind!! The mind is an enemy. No, it doesn't matter that we all have different personalities and intellectual "gifts"... if the one you have causes you to doubt; to sin... cut it off... cut it out... leave it behind. You must die to yourself.
I don't know why it surprises me. It's just new. It kills me. My grandfather, in all love and concern, just cornered me and made an attempt to give his "testimonty" (as if I haven't heard it). I love this man. He's so kind and so good; as much as he thinks he represents Christianity, he doesn't... because there truly is nothing gentle about it... and he is. But, at this point in his life, if I admitted I didn't believe, it would break his heart. He's in his 70s and knows he doesn't have much time left; he wants the peace of knowing I'm going to be in Heaven. Can I deny him that peace? He won't change, so what good is it for me to billigerently insist he know? I don't believe in Hell, but he does. I'm not worried, but he is.
So, for at least the sake of my grandparents, I have to put on a show. I have to lead a second life. I just can't break their hearts. And... oh my god... who I am; what I am... that's what breaks their heart. Me! They'll never know me.
Their broken heart for mine... what a horrible, selfish heathen I am... to sacrifice my heart for theirs. Yes, what a sinner, right? Those without God are horrible people.
First of all... I hate Vista... with my soul, or whatever it is that causes consciousness... I hate it!!! >:[
Secondly.
I can't do it. I guess this is where my doulble-life begins; this is where I learn what it's like to hide the very essence of who I am... because I just can't bare the consequences of honesty. Am I a coward? It won't help The Cause for them to know... they won't understand; they'll never, ever understand. They don't WANT to understand. They tell me non-believers don't understand... but I do, better than I ever have in my life. I've been on that side; I've sat on the pillar looking down, claiming no unbeliever could ever understand the heights of my perception, never knowing the extent of my ignorance. I haven't forgotten what it is to think "worldy knowledge" could never match God's wisdom; His ways are mysterious and unknowable. But, Christians... well... they have "The Spirit" in them, and so they inherently know what those who aren't "saved" can't possibly... which, in reality, is nothing.
It's insulting and hurtful. It's like they've forgotten everything. Do they not remember how devoted I was? Do they not remember who I am and my character? Does none of it give me any credibility? Now, they speak to me as if I've never even heard the name, Jesus, in my life. It's like they forget I'm their daughter and granddaughter; they forget they're the ones who raised me and ingrained in me all the Scriptures. Even being atheist, the Bible is stamped on my brain forever. I've experienced all the emotional highs a Christian claims to have; I've had prayers answered; I've been healed of "sickness"... there's no facet of that religion I've not been fully involved in. So... how can they talk to me the way they do?
The hardest thing is that I've realized their God is truly more important than anything else. They don't know me; they don't care to know me. They would rather smash everything beautiful and unique inside of me; they would overlook and invalidate everything inside me that I cherish... just so I don't stray too far away. My intelligence is worthless; my passion is worthless; my talents, my thoughts... none of it matters. They talk about individualism as if it's something God created, but it's the first thing to be "sacrificed" in order to be a good follower of Christ. DENY THYSELF!!! God supposedly took the time to create a unique fingerprint for me, but... oh the mind!! The mind is an enemy. No, it doesn't matter that we all have different personalities and intellectual "gifts"... if the one you have causes you to doubt; to sin... cut it off... cut it out... leave it behind. You must die to yourself.
I don't know why it surprises me. It's just new. It kills me. My grandfather, in all love and concern, just cornered me and made an attempt to give his "testimonty" (as if I haven't heard it). I love this man. He's so kind and so good; as much as he thinks he represents Christianity, he doesn't... because there truly is nothing gentle about it... and he is. But, at this point in his life, if I admitted I didn't believe, it would break his heart. He's in his 70s and knows he doesn't have much time left; he wants the peace of knowing I'm going to be in Heaven. Can I deny him that peace? He won't change, so what good is it for me to billigerently insist he know? I don't believe in Hell, but he does. I'm not worried, but he is.
So, for at least the sake of my grandparents, I have to put on a show. I have to lead a second life. I just can't break their hearts. And... oh my god... who I am; what I am... that's what breaks their heart. Me! They'll never know me.
Their broken heart for mine... what a horrible, selfish heathen I am... to sacrifice my heart for theirs. Yes, what a sinner, right? Those without God are horrible people.
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Comment by Johnny on March 24, 2009 at 11:49am -
Your stuff is often raw, and always real. Some of us blog from the things we glean off the internet, more than we blog from personal experience. Some of us don't face daily struggles due to our non-belief, and I think its good for some of us to get these second-hand experiences from someone we know. Those experiences - direct, indirect, or vicariously - make us all stronger. Thanks for sharing a piece of yourself with us.
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Comment by Pam on March 24, 2009 at 12:17pm -
I'm glad you decided to share with us. I'm not glad that you're family isn't happy that you shared it with them. =(
So your whole family knows except for your grandfather? I doubt your family loves you any less. They're probably just dealing with something they don't understand in the only way they know how, though that way a poor one.
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Comment by Cara Coleen on March 24, 2009 at 3:03pm -
well I didn't "come out"... I just expressed some doubts & made a few very good points. It amazes me how they purposefully shut themselves off from seeing the logic. So, I can't imagine what it would be like if I gave them the whole truth.
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Comment by AtypicalAtheist on March 24, 2009 at 3:28pm -
They have forgotten. They remember that you used to believe, but can't connect that to right now where you do not believe. Just like you used to think that atheists didn't get it, they now think that you don't get it.
Luckily my family was never as extremely religious to the point that they thought differently of me since I became an atheist.
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Comment by Dave G on March 24, 2009 at 4:11pm -
That was very intense, Cara. I know what it is like to hide oneself from family. I cannot bring myself to tell my grandmother, as I know it would break her heart, and I cannot bring myself to inflict that pain upon her. My parents know, and have mostly accepted it. I hope you'll be able to find some members of your family that you can be yourself with.
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Comment by Andrew the Fluffer on March 25, 2009 at 11:53am -
You are neither horrible nor selfish. We're all here for you.
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Comment by Kat Sullivan on March 26, 2009 at 5:57am -
i hear so much pain from you cara.
and i am a very recent de-convert from Christianity (about 2 months ago) and I'm still in the closet to all my Christian family from Texas. I feel like I know exactly how you feel, how hard it is b/c I am expecting very similar treatment from my family.
I'm about to write them a "coming out" sort of letter.
i think it may be in our best interest to detach a bit from family like this, to just accept that this is a form of abuse. they are being abusive to you psychologically and detach yourself.
it's a real shame. but it's their fault.
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Comment by Kat Sullivan on March 26, 2009 at 6:01am
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seriously, this post of yours cara is really well written. very well expressed. you pointed out so many very true things.
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Comment by Mike on March 26, 2009 at 12:43pm -
I think you touched upon a lot of pre and post Christian fears for an atheist in this blog. It took me a while to tell my parents that i was no longer a beleiver, and i have still others in my family to tell when the timing is right. I don't know what you should do about your Grandparents. It's really up to you whether or not they ever know, but do you want them to have a false sense of who you are? I say that on this side of the computer because it's easy, clearly in real life the emotional costs are much higher. I wouldn't think less of you either way you decided to go.
The one thing i would really like to say since it seems so timely for everyone i meet these days, make sure you're in charge of your happiness, and that you allow people to be in charge of theirs. You can't always go around life protecting people from emotions you fear may hurt them because of a way you believe, to do so would invalidate your feelings on some level about those issues.
Great blog.
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Comment by Cara Coleen on March 27, 2009 at 3:10am
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Thanks, Mike. The last paragraph really sums up my struggle. I feel very strongly about disillusioning people about religion for a lot of reasons, yet I'm so scared to disappoint and upset my family and a few friends. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'll be making an enemy out of some... but I feel like I'd be cheating myself and the world by keeping silent. I mean, these things are never easy and I would put it on par with Civil Rights and such. I would rather be a John Lennon than a John Smith in the end...
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