(I had made this blog private because... well... I get a little weirded out by a lot of emotional poop, but Johnny encouraged me to make this public... so here it is anyway. Thanks, Johnny.)
First of all... I hate Vista... with my soul, or whatever it is that causes consciousness... I hate it!!! >:[
I can't do it. I guess this is where my doulble-life begins; this is where I learn what it's like to hide the very essence of who I am... because I just can't bare the consequences of honesty. Am I a coward? It won't help The Cause for them to know... they won't understand; they'll never, ever understand. They don't WANT to understand. They tell me non-believers don't understand... but I do, better than I ever have in my life. I've been on that side; I've sat on the pillar looking down, claiming no unbeliever could ever understand the heights of my perception, never knowing the extent of my ignorance. I haven't forgotten what it is to think "worldy knowledge" could never match God's wisdom; His ways are mysterious and unknowable. But, Christians... well... they have "The Spirit" in them, and so they inherently know what those who aren't "saved" can't possibly... which, in reality, is nothing.
It's insulting and hurtful. It's like they've forgotten everything. Do they not remember how devoted I was? Do they not remember who I am and my character? Does none of it give me any credibility? Now, they speak to me as if I've never even heard the name, Jesus, in my life. It's like they forget I'm their daughter and granddaughter; they forget they're the ones who raised me and ingrained in me all the Scriptures. Even being atheist, the Bible is stamped on my brain forever. I've experienced all the emotional highs a Christian claims to have; I've had prayers answered; I've been healed of "sickness"... there's no facet of that religion I've not been fully involved in. So... how can they talk to me the way they do?
The hardest thing is that I've realized their God is truly more important than anything else. They don't know me; they don't care to know me. They would rather smash everything beautiful and unique inside of me; they would overlook and invalidate everything inside me that I cherish... just so I don't stray too far away. My intelligence is worthless; my passion is worthless; my talents, my thoughts... none of it matters. They talk about individualism as if it's something God created, but it's the first thing to be "sacrificed" in order to be a good follower of Christ. DENY THYSELF!!! God supposedly took the time to create a unique fingerprint for me, but... oh the mind!! The mind is an enemy. No, it doesn't matter that we all have different personalities and intellectual "gifts"... if the one you have causes you to doubt; to sin... cut it off... cut it out... leave it behind. You must die to yourself.
I don't know why it surprises me. It's just new. It kills me. My grandfather, in all love and concern, just cornered me and made an attempt to give his "testimonty" (as if I haven't heard it). I love this man. He's so kind and so good; as much as he thinks he represents Christianity, he doesn't... because there truly is nothing gentle about it... and he is. But, at this point in his life, if I admitted I didn't believe, it would break his heart. He's in his 70s and knows he doesn't have much time left; he wants the peace of knowing I'm going to be in Heaven. Can I deny him that peace? He won't change, so what good is it for me to billigerently insist he know? I don't believe in Hell, but he does. I'm not worried, but he is.
So, for at least the sake of my grandparents, I have to put on a show. I have to lead a second life. I just can't break their hearts. And... oh my god... who I am; what I am... that's what breaks their heart. Me! They'll never know me.
Their broken heart for mine... what a horrible, selfish heathen I am... to sacrifice my heart for theirs. Yes, what a sinner, right? Those without God are horrible people.