Defeating the Bible--One Chapter at a Time (Genesis Chapter 2) Part 1

How did you like the first week?

Good, right?

Let’s move on to Chapter two.

“Thus the heavens and the earth and all their array were completed. Since on the seventh day God was finished with the work he had been doing, he rested on the seventh day from all the work he had undertaken. So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work he had done in creation.”

So this is the reason why I cannot buy any novelty items on Sunday? I mean, every single business—with the exception of McDonalds and Wal-Mart—is closed every Sunday. How do people get business? How hard is it to create the world in 6 days? And for that matter, how IS the shape of the world? From what we saw last week, the state of the Earth is pretty poor. It looks like God threw something hastily together and threw it into space. It was if Earth had to be made at Midnight and God started at 11:59.

“Such is the story of the heavens and the earth at their creation. At the time when the LORD God made the earth and the heavens--while as yet there was no field shrub on earth and no grass of the field had sprouted, for the LORD God had sent no rain upon the earth and there was no man to till the soil, but a stream was welling up out of the earth and was watering all the surface of the ground--the LORD God formed man out of the clay of the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life, and so man became a living being.”

Um, question—didn’t we learn that man was created on the 6th day? Is this the 6th day or the 7th or what? Very vague on the timeline here. So even though we have plants, they are not growing. Did the Christian God take gardening 101? Plants that get no water = death. Ok so now we have a planet with no greenery and now man is made of clay. Does this not remind you of the Greeks? Prometheus—along with his brother Epimethus—created mankind. Out of clay! I think the Christian God did a bit of plagiarizing.

“Then the LORD God planted a garden in Eden, in the east, and he placed there the man whom he had formed. Out of the ground the LORD God made various trees grow that were delightful to look at and good for food, with the tree of life in the middle of the garden and the tree of the knowledge of good and bad. A river rises in Eden to water the garden; beyond there it divides and becomes four branches.”

Um, excuse me could we be clearer on the directions? I punched this into MapQuest, and nothing came up. Is there a landmark? So its wasteland Earth with one spot of green? Can we connect this to Fallout 3? Is this Oasis? Will there be ‘Harold the talking tree’? So if there is the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, why did the Christian God did created Evil? God could have just cut it off at the head, or root, um . . . I mean Trunk?

“A river rises in Eden to water the garden; beyond there it divides and becomes four branches. The name of the first is the Pishon; it is the one that winds through the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold. The gold of that land is excellent; bdellium and lapis lazuli are also there. The name of the second river is the Gihon; it is the one that winds all through the land of Cush. The name of the third river is the Tigris; it is the one that flows east of Asshur. The fourth river is the Euphrates. The LORD God then took the man and settled him in the garden of Eden, to cultivate and care for it.”

Ok, alright, so . . . now there is a river and four branches of the river. That narrows it down to 165 major rivers and several thousand minor rivers and Flying Spaghetti Monster knows how many are not even counted. Can we, ya know, narrow this down some more? Pishon, Pishon . . . say isn’t that one river that ran northeast to Kuwait? You know what maybe a map will help:

By reading this map the Garden of Eden is in Africa. Just below Ethiopia, Kenya and southern Somalia, and everything down from that. Is Eden in Kenya or the entire eastern coast of Africa? Little vague here on directions, ya know? How about this one?

Now Eden is in Turkey, Eastern Turkey. Um weren’t we just in Africa? I could have sworn we were just in Africa. We SO were!! Okay, but isn’t the Pishon still leading toward Kuwait? Does the Pishon start in Africa and then move all the way up to Turkey?

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Tags: (Genesis, 1, 2), Bible--One, Chapter, Defeating, Part, Time, a, at, More…the

Comment by Graham E. Lau on February 11, 2010 at 4:41am
I always thought the garden of eden was supposed to have just disappeared after the banishment of adam and eve.

The creation of a male human from clay was used in several older creation myths. Kudos on the mention of the Titans. I think as you go on, we'll see that much of the bible is taken from various other religions that existed at the time that people wrote the bible.

Imagine if the abrahamic god had bad breath? How hilarious would that be. ...and god blew into his nostrils the breath of life, and so man became a living being, and then said, "dude, god, how about a tic-tac?"

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