Comment by AntiChristianLeague on June 30, 2011 at 12:04pm

Like you, I never quite know what to say in situations like those. A very good friend of mine recently lost their mother to complications of Alzheimers. They were able to spend alot of time with her and be there when she passed away, and so I emphasized the fact that their mother was surrounded by loved ones right through till the end. Though the events that led up to that moment were certainly negative, what happened in the end, while still very sad, was a true expression of love.

 

The hardest part is when someone who you don't know all that well comes to you with sad news. I have encountered that many times at work, and have found that most of the time, they just want to share their experience of their lost loved one with another human being. In these cases, it seems like just being there for them, listening and offering help speak more than words.

Comment by Rick Murch-Shafer on June 30, 2011 at 12:26pm

I think you are totally right about just listening.  I try to follow the mantra that "if you don't know for sure what to say, don't say anything".  Although somehow I often still find ways to say the wrong thing. 

Comment by Dr. del Toro on June 30, 2011 at 12:26pm

I would direct the care and attention to the grieving.  Ask them how they are doing; how they're feeling.  Let them know that you're there for them if they need anything.  You don't have to say anything about the deceased if you didn't know them.

Comment by Daria Black on June 30, 2011 at 12:29pm

I agree AntiChristianLeague. I think people just want others to be there for them and listen to what they are going through. Sometimes having someone who listens is enough to make them feel better.

 

It is hard to come up with platitudes without belief. If I don't know the person very well then I'll probably say some version of "I'm sorry for your loss" and maybe add, "I'm sure they were a wonderful person." If they are close to me then I try to focus on the good memories and maybe say "I'll miss them". I like the ones you came up with Rick too.

Comment by Gaytor on June 30, 2011 at 12:45pm

It can be interesting finding the right words when we have been so conditioned in our responses. Like needing to say something for a sneeze. No one blesses my coughs.Things that I might say: "Keep her close to your heart." "I'm sure that you have some great memories to share." which encourages them to talk. And really, what helps more than getting it out? Simply, "I'm sorry for your loss." Conveying empathy seems very effective for all but the lunatics, and who cares if they get offended? Recently, my neighbor, whom is a evangelical pastor, lost his father. He was thankful for me just caring about him and his loss. He was just looking to share the story and appreciated talking to someone whom has gone through it as well. Religion wasn't important in comforting him, understanding was. 

 

Comment by Adrian Allen on June 30, 2011 at 12:51pm

I agree with all that has been said, including Dr. del Toro's suggestion of focusing on the grieving. I'd even go so far as to try and echo their beliefs even if they're not mine. That's not to say that I'd be saying something I don't believe, more that I'd be vocalising their beliefs on heir behalf.

 

So, I might say, "Well, I am sure you can take some comfort from knowing that he/she is in a better place now," or "You must be reassured to know that God wouldn't make x/y suffer without a reason, but now it's all over..." etc.

 

Perhaps you can detect that I am not actually expressing my beliefs, or even denying them, just echoing theirs. But even if they know my beliefs and respond with, "But I thought you don't believe in God," I'd reply something along the lines of, "No, but I can always be wrong, and it's what you believe that really matters."

 

But perhaps you might think I'm being too obsequious.

Comment by Alice Browne on June 30, 2011 at 2:02pm

My grandmother died recently, and the people at my workplace simply said they were sorry and gave me their condolences. That was enough. Like those above me wrote, I just needed a little empathy and some acknowledgement that I was feeling sad.

Comment by Rick Murch-Shafer on June 30, 2011 at 3:39pm

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and comments. I really like some of the suggested things that can be said, but even more I like the suggestions of just listening and letting the person know I'm here to do that.

Thanks again for all your thoughts,
Rick

Comment by Sassan K. on July 1, 2011 at 6:56am

MY biggest fear in life has always been death - I have come to grips with it a little better within the last year.

Comment