Wow, it's been months since I realized I really didn't believe in God any more. And nothing's really changed. I still don't believe, but I still do a pretty good job pretending I do, for the sake of job and family. I've gotten the occasional comment from folks here at TA that I'm doing a pretty horrible thing, living a lie, etc. I appreciate your interest in my situation, but sorry...maybe you have the perfect little atheist life, where all your friends are atheists, your job is great, and you can be 100% true to yourself. Congratulations! But I'm willing to bet there are people out there who, atheist or not, are not 100% happy with, say, their job. They go to work and pretend to be gung-ho for the company, because it keeps the boss of their back. Inside they're thinking, "Jeez, I wish I was doing something else..." The fact of the matter at the moment is this: my church job brings in just over $500 per month. That may not seem like a whole lot to some people, but it happens to be a goodly chunk of our family income. So it may seem like a good idea to say, "Hey, I don't believe in God, so the church can go to hell...except there's not really a hell..." Anyways, in my real life, that would mean tightening our belts a pretty considerable amount.
The church I where I work is an aging congregation, and it may end up closing its doors in the not-too-distant future. If that happens, I probably will say, "Screw church music...this shit sucks." I'll deal with that when it happens. Meanwhile, my pretending to be Christian for the sake of a part-time job is a sacrifice I'm willing to make. It's no different to me than pretending to be a team player at my part-time retail job, which also sucks. Money is money, though.
I'm sorry if this comes off a little bitter, but it's difficult to read comments from people who say, "Just find a different job," or "Your wife's a Christian...oh, she'll probably divorce you because of your atheism." Thing is, I love my wife, I love my kids. If I have to do a little playacting from time to time about a god who doesn't exist...so be it. No biggie. I've done worse. Still, there's no denying that, sometimes, it kind of sucks being a closet atheist. Would I rather just come clean with everyone? Absolutely. Will it happen in the near future? I honestly don't know. Only time will tell.