coming out godless; my journey form good Catholic girl to Heretic

I finally decided to write my story of how this could have happened. I remember having my first doubts about religion when I was 5, my cousin who was the same age as me had just died of a brain tumor and my grandma went into this elaborate story about how she was flying over grass and trees on her way to heaven, which was a beautiful place that was supposedly perfect. the first thing I remember thinking after this story was, how can something be perfect when everyone has a different idea of what perfect is, and how would you look in heaven, if you are a kid that dies would you be a kid, you be a kid in heaven and if you died when you were old would you be old in heaven, I thought this was unfair I would rather be a kid forever than someone who was like 100, and as you grow up the way think also changes how would you think in heaven, how can you be both in heaven and turning into a skeleton in the cemetery at the same time, and how does grandma know all this stuff she is not dead. I had so many questions that could not be answered the concept of death and heaven eventually turned into an obsession because it was all I could think about and it kept me up at night, sometimes I even thought of killing myself just so I could see if there really was a heaven, I wanted there too be, but I kind of expected that there was nothing it just seemed really stupid but I wanted it to exist so bad I tried to make myself believe in it.
When I was in first grad I got a beautiful white communion dress for my Birthday I loved it, I remember when I got it my parents looked at each other, we soon after joined a church and I began taking classes in order to make my first communion, during that time I became quite the little Bible thumper, all I talked about was Jesus, I even saved all my Bible stories from first communion class and made my mom read them to me, around that time I had my second serous doubt about religion are teacher was talking about how Jesus rose from the dead, and I stared wondering how that could have happened it seemed impossible, so I figured that Jesus must have been in a comma and than he woke up, but they must have not known about commas back then so the must of interpreted it as him rising from the dead, I an arrogant little eight year old had figured out something theologians had misinterpreted for centuries I had to tell some one. so I told my teacher and she got mad at me. I thought she would have been happy that I had come up with something so clever after all my hypothesis made seance and the church's didn't.
this did not shake my Catholic faith at all, so what Jesus was in a comma, he still was a cool guy anyway, he knew how to practice medicine when other people didn't and I stared thinking up ways that Jesus could have possible come up with cures for so many things such as blindness he must have been a genius (the concept of a miracle had never occurred to me). the third and by-far the hardest blow blow to my beliefs came when I was in third grade when my beloved bird Tweety flew away, this was probably the only time in my life that I had ever prayed, I asked God to make her come home and if not just give me a sign that she is alright the sign never came and I was beginning to doubt my faith more and more. I asked my Faith class teacher (a class form my church were we learned about Catholicism) why God was not answering my prayers or even giving me a sign, because I was praying all the time, and he explained to me that God worked in mysterious ways and maybe he had other plans for my bird, and wonted my to grow in my faith from this rough situation. than I said to him "I bet that there is no God and if your prayer comes true you assume god did it and if it's not you assume he had other plans, it is simple probability. I eventually stopped praying and assumed that my bird was probably dead, eaten by the naber's dog or something. I remember saying to my dad at least she is in heaven ( which I hoped existed, even though I figured it probably didn't). and my dad said to me animals don't go to heaven, at that time I had this vision of myself alone in a big white room trying to kill myself but I couldn't because I was already dead, I immediately started throwing things on the floor and braking them, my dad screamed what are you doing and I said "I'm going to be really bad so I can go to hell and be with all the animals". than my dad said "animals are not in hell either" at this point I got somewhat confused and said "where are they" he said "they just die". I than got upset and ran to my mommy so and ask her. she told me the reason animals don’t have souls is because in C.E. 585 at episcopal synod at Macon, the Cathlic Chirch held a vote to decide whether or not woman and animals had souls. The vote resulted in animals not having souls, and women having an inferior grade B soul, that was halfway between that of a man and an animal. than she went on this angry rand about feminism and how the Catholic Church degrades woman, and if there was true religion men and women would be equals. My mom hated church and I don't think she ever went with us when we were kids, although I did not find out why until I was in Collage. the thing about the episcopal synod at Macon was all I needed to hear if the church was wrong about woman of coarse they were wrong about animals. after-all that was like 1,000 years before Darwin who showed us that all living things evolved from a common ancestor, I knew quite a bit about evolution from my mother, and I started to become more and more interested until it became an obsession (I get a lot of weird obsessions, it has been going on my whole life). I was mainly interested in hominid evolution and spesation events and wold check out countless books form the library on those subjects. I was not quite ready to get rid of my emotional attachment to the concept of heaven which seemed beautiful and I wanted to be reunited with my cousin, my bird, and my aunts dog, but than I started to think about it even more it hit me would misquotes be there, I suspected they would have to be the are animals, than it hit me again what about trees, than it it me again what about bacteria, they make up over half the wolds biomass have short life expectancies and have been around over 3.5 billion years. wouldn't heaven be crowded and filled with bacteria gross. there had to be a speciation event that led to the extra ingredient know as the soul. OK not to panic what living things do I want to be in heaven I want trees to be there but not misquotes, but I am much more closely related to a misquote than a tree. still not ready to part with my idea of the after life I started to believe in reincarnation. it made much more sense anyway for a while, as I got older I learned that the earth is only expected to be habitable for anther 500 million years or so as helium accumulates in the suns core It’s luminosity will increase causing it to swell causing the earths surface temperature to increase therefore affecting the CO2 cycle, all plant life will than become extinct within 900 million years in turn the lack of oxygen will cause all animal life to become extinct in 1 billion years or so the oceans will boil away as the sun swells into a red giant in about 5 billion years the suns radius will swell 250 times it’s present radius most likely consuming the earth and destroying it. the sun will than turn into a planetary nebula, than a white dwarf . as the universe continues to expand galaxy’s will fly rapidly apart stars will collapse into black holes and planetary nebula which will than evaporate and the universe as we know it will cease to exist. where would I be reincarnated to anther planet provided there are life on them, because in the way distant future there would be no other stars either. as I learned more I realized that how insignificant I was the known universe the has 100 Billion galaxies and the Milkyway galaxy’s 200 billion solar systems, our species has been around. I finally came to the conclusion that the only rational explanation for the after life was that there was nothing, I found this extremely disturbing, but the more I thought about it the more convinced I became that there was no after life. if you think about it even if you only consider humans you have to realize 60 to 80 percent of fertilized embryos that never attach to the uterine wall, what about sperm and eggs even if you, There has been life on earth for 3.5 billion years, and over 99% of species are now extent. Humans have been around only about 150,000 years, we are basically nothing. what is the soul, almost everything once seen to to be the soul (thoughts, emotions, etc.) has been explained by the material brain. my doubts only deepened with age, I stopped going to church when I was in 8th grade due to an argument with my faith teacher about whether it was possible for God to take part in the evolutionary process, which I said it wasn't because it would make it to complicated because he would have to be powerful enough to, control when every organism mates, what sperm fertilizes what egg, how various chromosomes cross over in the fertilized embryo, what mutations occur, what alleles are favored, how many offspring are produced which individual organisms survive, the genotype frequencies within populations, when there is migration in or out of the population, the types of speciation events I guess this could be possible if we lived in a universe powered completely by Newtonian physics with no free will, but this god was supsadaly powerful enough to control when everyone had sex, than there was no free will. If you trace the Y chromosome back far enough all human males can share a common ancestor. I also said that not only was it impossible for God to take part in the evolutionary process evolution was incompatible with the bible for a very simple reason if you trace the humans female line back using mitochondrial DNA all females have a common ancestor lived 140,000 years ago; the mitochondrial Eve, and if you trace the male line back thorough the Y chromosome their common answer (the Y chromosome Adam) lived 60,000 They didn’t even know each other therefore original sin could not have happened Jesus died for nothing. she did not have a good come back and because of this argument I ended up never being confirmed, around that time our preset had a calling to marriage and left the church and my dad did not like the new guy so we stooped going to church, and I started passively looking for a new religion, but I could not find one I agreed with because I did not believe in an afterlife but I did like Buddhism alot, I never really gave much thought about god, I really didn't care but I thought that you had to believe in something, my sophomore year of high school a girl in my study hall asked me if I believed in god and I realized that I didn't, I failed to understand why he was so human like, considering humans are just one of the 5 to 30 million species on earth . so I guss That is how I became Athiest.

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