These are probably bogus, but they are funny nonetheless. Supposedly, all of these statements appeared in real church bulletins or were announced during a service.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals.
----------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks
on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
----------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale...
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
----------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help..
----------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
----------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
----------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
----------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
----------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
----------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
----------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
----------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
----------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM -
prayer and medication to follow.
----------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
----------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
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