These are probably bogus, but they are funny nonetheless. Supposedly, all of these statements appeared in real church bulletins or were announced during a service.


The Fasting & Prayer Conference 
includes meals. 

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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks 
on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' 

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale... 
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. 
Bring your husbands. 

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.


---------------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.. 

----------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

----------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. 

----------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 

----------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 

----------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

----------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 

----------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - 
prayer and medication to follow. 

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. 

----------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. 

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Views: 41

Comment by Troy C on February 2, 2011 at 11:10pm
These are hilarious
Comment by Spencer on February 3, 2011 at 12:25am
I especially agree with Bible Studies being abbreviated as BS, since I'm sure they'll be taking those studies quite literally...

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