Hymns of the Lyre
Psalms 1:1 to 1:150
1. You would do well to follow the Lord's rules, otherwise you will suffer mightily I assure you.
2. The kings of Earth think they can gang up against the Lord but he is laughing. Bwahahaha he will smash them to pieces like a clay pot. I however, I am the Lord's son. If I wanted it he would give me the whole damn world. Be wise, fear the Lord. I mean it, you better really FEAR the Lord.
3. I am in deep trouble with a lot of people and they are after me. The Lord is my protection. He will save me from them.
4. God, hear me when I call. If people are god-like then God will listen to them. I can relax and be safe.
5. God is not evil. He just hates and destroys people a lot. I worship him in total fear. Go ahead Lord, destroy those guys. Kill them all and protect me. Yaay God.
6. Don't get overly angry at me Lord. Please be nice to me and save me from those bad bad people. Keep me alive. After all, how can I remember you and thank you when I'm dead? I can’t.
7. I trust God. My enemies will be punished for being my enemies. God has prepared several secret weapons with which to kill them all. Praise the Lord and his special killing powers.
8. Oh Lord your Excellency, I think about the lovely moon and the stars that you've made, and yet you remember lowly man who is lower than the angels. You made us specifically to boss around the other creatures of the world. How excellent is that?
9. The Lord is such a great judge of character. The wicked are going to receive a bloody death and I don't mean maybe. Meanwhile the needy won't be forgotten forever. Eventually they will be remembered. Make people afraid of you dear Lord. Make people afraid. Make people very afraid.
10. Why do you stand so far away from us Lord? Where are you when we need you? There are a whole lot of terrible things going on in this stupid world. The wicked think they can get away with anything. Break their damn arms Lord. The Lord is going to be the king forever.
11. The wicked people are ready to kill the good people. The Lord sees what is going on. He will capture the wicked people and burn them for me. Hahahaha.
12. Help me Lord. There are so few good people around lately. Everyone is thinking and saying terrible things lately. Save us from this generation of spoiled brats that look up to gangsters and philosophers.
13. Damn it! How long will you forget about me Lord? How long will you hide from me? Oh well, the Lord has given me a lot I suppose.
14. If you don't believe in God then you are a just a fool. And, and, and, you are just corrupt and do terrible things. There are so many evil people and so few good lately. What a crappy situation.
15. Who will live with God? I’ll tell you who, the good holy righteous perfect people. Like me.
16. Save me Lord. Save me! I like the Lord because he will not leave me suffering much. He shows me pleasures. He’ll show me pleasures forever. Lord? Lord, are you there? I’ll just wait here then.
17. Hey listen Lord old buddy of mine, why not make me the apple of your eye? And disappoint my enemies. That would be nice.
18. I love the Lord so much. Whenever I'm in a bad situation he comes and helps me out. When he gets mad there is an earthquake. He rides around on a big flying monster. Smoke comes out of God’s nose and fire comes out of his mouth. God is perfect. I praise God right in front of the non-believers.
19. God's handiwork is in the stars. The Lord's rules are perfect and they are simple. Just fear him, that’s really all there is to it. Fear of the Lord is clean and it is eternal. Nice clean fear.
20. The Lord hears you screaming when you are in trouble. Some trust in chariots to win the battle, some trust in horses. But I trust God.
21. God is so freaking great. He gave me a fancy gold crown. God will cook my enemies in a big pot and then swallow them.
22. Where the hell are you God? I call and I call and I call. My forefathers called and you answered them but I guess I am just a stupid worm. People laugh at me for overly trusting in God. I'm surrounded by trouble and things look real bad but God is somewhere nearby I’m sure. If you are afraid of the Lord then praise him.
23. The Lord is my shepherd and I am a sheep. I shan't go without. He gives me plenty of nice green grass to eat and water to drink. Though my life is actually in serious danger, I am not afraid. God is with me. He fixes me a nice lovely dinner right in front of my enemies. He even pours oil on my head. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me my whole life and I will live happily ever after in God's big house, forever and ever and ever. Yaay.
24. The whole Earth belongs to the Lord. The Lord is glorious. He is good. He's wonderful. He’s awesome sauce. He helps me out a lot too. Take a good look God. Look me over thoroughly for I am more or less a good person. I trust God. I love God's house. It’s a nice house. God punishes my enemies, which is nice. Teach me Lord. Don't be so silent and invisible Lord. Don't hide so often and so well.
The Lord's voice is really loud. It freaks people out. It knocks down big trees.
The Lord has saved me from death and from going into The Pit. What profit is there in me going into The Pit? Screw The Pit. Nobody likes The Pit.
Blessed is the Lord by the Lord. Praise the Lord. Rejoice in The Lord. Let all the Earth be terrorized by the Lord. Fear the Lord. I said…FEAR The Lord. Then kick back and rest up.
Don't get so mad at me Lord. Your arrows are kind of hard to pull out. Don't forget me either. Watch me. Help me. Spare me. I waited patiently and the Lord pulled me out of a horrible pit, so there’s that. I think God favors me. Blessed be the big terrifying Lord of Israel forever. Amen amen amen amen.
25-150. Praise God. Praise God. Praise God. And then, praise God some more. Damn, I am so confused. And I am ashamed. So much bad comes to me even when I'm good. What’s the deal with that? God knows we are innocent and yet he lets us be slaughtered daily. Wake up God. What the hell?
God is beautiful and he smells like cookies.
Don't be afraid of rich men. They can't take it with them. Meanwhile kill animals for God. God loves that. Be merciful oh Lord. God will bless us and the whole planet will fear him. Hurry up and help me Lord. In God's hand is a cup of nice red wine.
Boy, God sure did some great things in the days of Moses didn't he? Oh man, those were the days. But the people weren't totally perfect so God got mad and killed most of them. God just woke up one day and started screaming irrationally like a drunk. At least he saved Judah. He loved Judah.
Sing and make joyful noises for God. What’s that God? Speak up God.
Blessed is God. Give thanks to God. My opinion is fixed regardless of the evidence. Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord.
I love the Lord. I love… I love rules. I study rules all day.
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord. Everybody praise the big scary Lord.
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The Bible According to Brad