“But what if you’re wrong?” So goes the common questions posed to atheists by Christians. Putting aside for a moment the obvious retort (what if they are wrong and another religion is right?) I decided to really organize my thoughts a bit. What would I say if I was wrong, the Christians were right, and a moment after dying I found myself before the blinding majesty of Yahweh with Christ at his right hand?


Oh. Oh dear. I see. Well, I guess this is about as close to incontrovertible evidence for your existence as I could have ever demanded.  Actually, as a good skeptic I pray you won’t get offended if I entertain the possibility that I’m experiencing a hypoxia-induced hallucination.  But, I’ll just go along with this for now.

I’m not going to kneel or anything if you don’t mind.  That would kind of be shutting the barn door after the cows have run out, don’t you think?  Besides: by your will, I was thrust into life in a very undignified manner and state, so the least you could do would be to let me leave it in better circumstances.  And really, that would be the very, very least you could do.  You know, now that the initial shock of being dead is starting to wear off, I find myself getting angry.  I’m trying to restrain it, but this whole situation is… absurd.  According to most accounts, this is the part where you judge me.  Who the hell are you to be a moral judge?  You’re a sadistic, genocidal sex-obsessed tyrant.  All my life, I laughed off those Christians who accused me of “hating God”.  Like I told them, it wasn’t that I hated you; I just genuinely didn’t think you existed.  But I did hate the idea of you.  I didn’t see evidence to believe in any gods, but you in particular seemed like a logical contradiction.  I was glad that the Bible was a work of-seeming-fiction because the belief that all of the most terrible things in the world were, at the worst, designed by or, at the best, permitted by an all-powerful conscious being was too horrible to not hate.  It’s oddly refreshing to find that all this time I was outraged at something more tangible.

Or is this the part where your grand plan is revealed, your “mysterious ways” made clear? Will you say the magic words and suddenly I’ll understand how a child being raped, murdered, and left in a ditch fits in with your infinite benevolence?  Will starvation and disease make sense? Because you know, I don’t think I want them to make sense.  If that’s part of your omniscient knowledge, then I don’t want that part. I guess it's fitting:  humanity’s first act of defiance was to want knowledge to be more like you.  Then let my last act of defiance be choosing ignorance so that I can be as unlike you as possible.

This is all perfectly futile.  You know me better than anyone.  You know my mind. You know how I thought. You know – and had the power over- all the circumstances in my life that meant your very existence seemed impossible to me.  After all, you “knit me together in my mother’s womb,” didn’t you?  So am I just a casualty of free will, then?  You wanted worship from people who could choose to worship you and, to satisfy your ego, decided it was a fair price to create people whom you knew wouldn’t choose you and would face eternal torture for it.  You know, even if almost everything had been perfect, a world free from pain and death where everyone would freely choose to spend an eternity with you – except for one person, and yet you made him anyways… then you would still be infinitely more evil than all the worst of humanity combined.  You’re going to judge me? On behalf of all that’s good and decent in your creation, I judge you. I may have been a willful child, but you were a terrible father.

I can’t say I’m really inclined to beg for my soul now, given what I said about you knowing me perfectly.  Even so, supposing mercy’s still an option (and that last rant didn’t kill my chances), I guess it’s worth a shot.  I can’t pretend I have any love for you, but no principle is worth being damned over if it can be helped.  What shall I say in my defense?

I tried to be good without you.  You told your followers to feed the hungry, clothe the poor, and visit the sick.  I did those things, not because you told me to or because I thought I was “storing up treasure in heaven”.  I did them for their own sake, for the sake of my neighbors.  When I saw suffering, I tried to help instead of saying a quick prayer to you and believing I’d done something.  And when I didn’t help and suffering continued, I held myself responsible instead of concluding it was just your divine will.

And I was content with one life- in fact, despite how terrible life could be, I was usually quite grateful to have one.  I didn’t demand more.  I was content to create my own meaning in the meaningless chaos, to find love in all the pain, to find the beautiful simplicity in the apparent complexity.  And I have to say, you may have failed basic ethics but you sure had a deft hand when it came to creating the cosmos – not least because you did it in such a way as to make yourself seem irrelevant.  The splendor of the night sky, the incredible diversity of life, everything.  Quantum mechanics? That was crazy, I loved it!  And relativity?  You were on a roll that day, really.  I saw nearly all of your creation for what it was:  wonderful.  I didn’t look at an exquisitely intricate world and call it fallen.  I didn’t look at a newborn baby and call it sinful.  I didn’t look at my seemingly finite life and call it inadequate.

So you created us because you desired companionship and love?  Well then, you needed me.  But I didn’t need you.  I grew up and took responsibility for my own life.  If that really is the greatest crime of all, then there’s nothing more I can say.  The deck was stacked against me, but honestly, I can’t truly say I have any regrets.  Heaven, hell, oblivion… your move, God.

Though I still think I’m probably hallucinating.

Views: 146

Comment by Cathy L. on April 28, 2011 at 11:26pm
I figure if god and heaven and all that junk is real after we die, then god will be loving and understanding enough (since he is all knowing, perfect, etc) to accept the decisions I made and understand why.
Comment by IEatDinosaurMeat on April 29, 2011 at 12:02am

@flower: Pascals wager (it's best to live as if there is a god because if you die and there is a god, you gain eternity, if you die and there is no god you lose nothing) is known to be false. It is not true that you lose nothing, because you do lose time, effort, and energy building an eternal empire of nothing. Now, maybe you helped this person or that, if your motives are to secure rewards in heaven they leave you with empty hands. If you helped this person or that with the understanding that you wouldn't get any eternal reward but rather they may benefit from your actions and thus you made an impact on someones life for the better, your rewards are there and apparent.

Comment by Walter Maki on April 29, 2011 at 1:23am

"Well God,For all the things that have happened in my life I see no need to change my tune now. You were not around to really help me when I was alive and needed you so I expect no help from you when I'm dead. So go ahead and send me to Hell since I probably know more people there anyway. Beside you treated most of your children like shit and let them be confused while fighting with each other. With a father like you I am better off on my own."


I'd be waiting for the hallucination to wear off

Comment by Ethan Levy on April 29, 2011 at 1:32am

huh, so you were female.. 


is what i would say

Comment by IEatDinosaurMeat on April 29, 2011 at 3:11am

@Flower, Thank you.


Oh, and my response to god.

click, click "there's no place like home"

Pinch... OUCH


where's the light switch?... no?

Okay... so this is real? OOOooooh this is gonna be fun... *radio edit*

Comment by John G. on April 29, 2011 at 4:19am
Frankly, if I was wrong, I still wouldn't worship "God" (being the Christian God). Frankly I think that character is an intolerable, horrible, bigoted, sexist, genocidal lunatic. If that means I need to follow Satan then so be it, I'll take the lesser of two evils.
Comment by Akshay Bist on April 29, 2011 at 8:09am
This argument is wrong on so many levels!
Comment by Violet Chartreuse on April 29, 2011 at 8:42am
Great job. Thought provoking.
Comment by Jeremy Wells on April 29, 2011 at 9:19am

What if god was real, but he was different than we thought.  Maybe when we go to the throne of judgment we will find out it was all just a quality assurance test.  God wanted to ensure that only the intelligent members of his creation were allowed to spend eternity in his presence. 

  Imagine standing beside a devout Christian on your way to the throne of judgment.  The Christian is standing there with that typical arrogant smile, proud of themselves for being right along.  They tell you, "Ha, I bet you wish you had believed now huh."  As you get closer to the throne you begin to think to yourself, "This is bullshit, why would this guy create all of this, not leave any evidence to his existence, and then expect us to worship him."

  The devout Christian and you get to the throne and god asks if either of you have any last words before receiving judgment.  The Christian says, "God you know my heart.  My actions might not have always been a great witness, but at least I believed."  You say, "You know.  First of all you must forgive me, I am still in shock that all this shit was real.  I did my best to leave the world a better place than when I came into it and if I you choose to judge me for it because you didn't receive the glory then be my guest.  I lived my life and after analyzing the evidence, using the rational mind that you gave me, I couldn't understand how your stories could go against every natural and physical law that you created into the very fabric of your wonderful creation.  If you wanted blind faith you should have just created me without a prefrontal cortex."

  God looks at both of you and reveals his master plan.  "I sent my word to you as a test; however it wasn't a test in faith like most of you have imagined.  I wanted to see how gullible my creation truly was and decided to write several different books that went against all logic and see how many people I could convince to believe them.  I put blatant contradictions throughout the books hoping someone would catch on to the game, but few did.  Come on now Joey Christian, you honestly believed that I gave ten commandments to a guy and then they just disappeared?  You believed that a man lived inside the belly of a whale to prove his faith to me?  You believe I would be so screwed in the head to send my only son to die for the entire world, generations of people that I had already prejudged as unworthy?  You were so sure that salvation only came through faith and you used that as an excuse to not help your fellow man.  Wow!  Joey you sure failed this test.  I sentence you to eternity in hell."

Comment by Cameron Tungate on April 29, 2011 at 11:48am
If I'm wrong then I'm going to hell, it's as simple as that, If each of us is a piece of paperwork ready to be sorted out then, all non believers will be put in the Hell pile, all the others will go to the Heaven pile.


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