You could be burnt alive in a kiln, decapitated with an axe, have your career destroyed and basically your existence taken away from you in one way or the other if you are accused of blasphemy. Now with people queuing for blasphemy proofing measures, we’ve come up with a few tips that collectively form a security jacket against blasphemy allegations.

Here’s what the jacket is composed of:

Don’t be a non-Muslim

This one’s obvious. If you’re a Muslim the odds are seriously reduced of you being accused of blasphemy. However, just make sure that you’re the right kind of Muslim. Deobandi would be perfect, but anything within the Sunni realm would do – barring the Ahmadiya of course.

Don’t criticise the blasphemy law

Especially if more than five people in Pakistan know you. You might find four people who might tolerate your criticism of the blasphemy law, but if you think you can find five people in this country who would not want you killed for questioning the blasphemy law, you’re stretching your luck.

Don’t disagree with a Muslim

As mentioned above, if God forbid you are a non-Muslim or a wrong kind of Muslim, make sure you don’t indulge in any debates with Muslims. Because you never know when you might disrespect Islam without even mentioning anything religious.

Be careful with papers

When you are putting any papers in the trash can just make sure you don’t commit blasphemy. Monitor all papers carefully before dumping anything.

Don’t live in Pakistan

If you have a disease of being rational, it’s best that you don’t live in this country at all. Logic and reason have resulted in more blasphemers than anything else.

Believe everything that the mullah tells you

Blind faith is very important when it comes to avoiding blasphemy. And we’re not talking about blind faith on a deity, but blind faith on a mullah. If you ever feel that your Friday sermon is too bigoted, jingoistic or intolerant, immediately rid yourself off blasphemous thoughts.

Follow a literalist interpretation of Islam

If you follow the Islam of ISIS, TTP, Boko Haram, al-Qaeda, et al, avoiding blasphemy would be made significantly easier for you. Islamists are rarely killed for blasphemy regardless of how much they defame Islam.

Accuse someone else of blasphemy before you get accused

Ever heard of a person who had at any point in their life accused another person of blasphemy being accused of blasphemy themselves? Do someone else, before you get done.

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