I'm really struggling lately...
First, I want you all to know that I'm the healthiest I've probably ever been emotionally speaking...but I am also still healing.
Lately I've felt really sad at how my religion affected my marriage. When I think back on things, I realize how my thinking at that time affected things.
It's made me honestly wonder whether my ex-husband would have been different if I hadn't been so....religious.
I know that me and him are not compatible and should have never been together in the first place. I KNOW that...but I still wonder if things would have been different. I married him for the man I wanted him to be, not he man he is, and I think that goes both ways. But there are positive qualities in him that I fell in love with. As my son gets older, I wish my SON could have his dad back. I'd be willing to fight for it...but my ex-husband has no interest in doing so.
I feel so guilty. I do feel like it was my fault...like everything was my fault. I know this is nonsense, but I still feel that ways sometimes. Realistically it was both our faults. We both made mistakes. What hurts is that I still feel a certain longing to have a family...Admittedly, part of this yearning comes from the fact that me and my son are struggling financially, and it would be SOOOOOOOO much easier if I had a man's income to help pay the bills....I know that's the wrong reason to be with someone, but when you're at the point of running out of milk and not being able to get more until the food bank opens, or fearing when the lights are going to turn off...it honestly feels at times that tolerating his abuse would have been better than fearing how we are going to buy food for the week.
If I had money, I wouldn't want my ex-husband back at all...and my son verbalizes that he doesn't want him back at home either. My son is very verbal about NOT wanting much contact with his dad. So...I don't think he's suffering too much...but....maybe his is. I don't know.
I'm just really struggling with acceptance of my life the way it is. I need a community. I need people to help me. I feel like my son NEEDS a father figure. I'm lonely, I'm scared, and I hate living in America. i want to go live somewhere else in the world where people live in communities that care about and help each other.
I was watching the documentary "Happy" that runs on Netflix, and it was talking about the happiest nations. It talked about Okinawa Japan, and Denmark as examples of happy places. You have communities of people who live in close proximity and love and help each other. Even in rural Louisiana, you have people who live with friends and family close by who come together regularly and laugh together....
I need that desperately!!!
It's just me and my son. We have no one but each other.....
I don't know what to do....but something has to be done. I can't continue to live so alone, isolated, and poor. I know that trying to win my ex-husband back isn't the answer. He didn't love me before, nothing will change now...
Maybe I need to move to another country.
I don't know.
I'm just trying to accept this emptiness of having no one around me...I'm so lonely, and so scared. I've thought about even going back to church because if it, it's that bad!!!
I was listening to a radio show today by Chuck Swindoll. He was talking about women's role being beneith men. This was and always has been the crux of what kept me in a bad marriage and the reason I thought I had to stay...to be submissive. One thing he said really struck me. He said that women have become too free for their own good. I sometimes feel like there's some truth to that. I don't feel strong enough to bear all of this alone. I DO need a man to help me raise my son. He NEEDS a male figure in his life for his development. I need a man to help me sometimes too. Little things...like recently when the crazy man came to our door and pounded on the door...He was looking for drugs or something and go the wrong apartment. I REALLY felt like I needed a man there with me to answer the door. So I feel like I really need help.
Being a single mother is hard. There's no one to hug me, or comfort me - ever. No one to smile at me. No one to care. I'm totally and utterly...alone. I hate feeling this way.
After all of my time in therapy and trying to get better, I know that I need community of some kind. I need people. I've felt this way for awhile. Going back to my ex-husband is not the solution. I know that.
But I don't know what is. America is so....isolating.
I am really struggling with acceptance that this is my life....there has to be another way. But how?