It's been awhile since I've had any pause to write anything and it feels good to be able to get a few things off my chest, even if it’s mundane. Because of this time laps in writing I fear this may become long and winded, forgive me in advance. There’s just too much to say for me to wrap in up into a smaller package that’s easier to read. I am no blogger, but I have a lot to say.
Recently I’ve been getting a little flustered by the unrelenting use of “God” in the most basic conversations around me. Ones that in the past never held any grounds for God to be involved and I know that it’s only because they know I’m atheist. More so from my family but a few of my friends are not all that far behind on that wagon trail. To be honest I find myself eye rolling more than anything else as I make an all out effort to hide my irritation behind humor and sometimes cynical remarks.
Best example of this would be a comment I made just today about the smell of my coffee this morning making me feel sick, I simply surmised I am coming down with something, flue maybe. My sister however believes nausea is the automatic default to pregnancy. So when I told her that it is highly unlikely, considering I have a pretty good idea where my sex life stands than anyone else, she just responds with a "God works in mysterious ways" cliché. I can’t even begin to say how much I loath this typical and ridiculous comment that religious people love to over use. The saying always makes me think of those dishrags that lay at the back of the sink and start to smell after awhile, it’s best to just through them away but some people are just to cheap I guess…. Despite everything I would have preferred saying I just went with "So does Santa Clause and he jacks me only once a year". I don't know what the point even would be arguing with her in regards to such an irritating comment that they so easily fall on whenever they need an easy button explanation for… well everything.
That unfortunately isn’t my only lip biting induced annoyance when it comes to the religious and not so religious.
Like recently I had someone message me this. “Indoctrination (as you call it) goes both ways. My mother, for instance, was brought up an atheist, but upon arrival in this country plunged deep into religion -- why? Because it was her way of breaking out of atheism from USSR! Now, after more then 20 years, she regrets it, but this is really besides my point. My point is that YOU should try to be a more gentle and flexible being. I believe it’s Okay to believe in God without being religious. And that applies to all the millions of Frenchies and Italians’ who do exactly that. But it also applies to the Hindu who believe in many Gods and some of them are religious to the extreme, while others are kind of cool about it, and many others (Muslims including). I believe that admitting that humans are spiritual beings is also a form of breaking out for some of us. Especially for those who have had a painful religious experience from which they needed to run in the first place. But you don't need to come back to that religious experience or even endorse it. All you have to do is be open-minded to flaws in science.”
Maybe I am just too tired to focus all my cognitive skills regarding this or hell maybe I honestly just don’t even want to bother responding… Is that bad? That I’ve reached this point where I am tired of the attacks, gentle or not, just feels like I’ve been living on this mental battle field my entire life. I’m a seasoned vet with none of the perks that come with it and yet still I want to take them all on. Even in my moment of weakness, or emotional slump I have never been one to just give up, for any reason. Just an angry girl with an opinion I guess. Hahah…
This message though has me stumbling. I’m not even sure if I shouldn’t be insulted. Maybe I shouldn’t see it that way but its hard not to. I’ve been more than ‘gentle and flexible’ my entire life. I’ve bent over backwards for people who ignorantly insulting me in order not to insult them, even as they labeled my existence as Moral monster. I’ve sat there inwardly fighting with myself to speak out and cried when I was alone because I couldn’t. I’ve hidden my lack of beliefs like it’s a embarrassing rash for most of my life just to avoid the fall out I knew I would receive once they all knew my little secret, “Tammy doesn’t believe in God” well there’s something to beat the drums of war over.
Now they know and part of me still holds back. Yet, despite this I am still required to be more gentle and flexible? Funny.
It’s not my personal responsibility to coddle the people who’ve had traumatic experiences in their lives when I have too many of my own. Which, I also have to hide behind the façade because it would honestly enrage me if someone tried to use those events in my past as the excuse for my “lack of faith in God” now. Can you imagine what that’s like? Remembering the forced advances of a man at the age of five, it wasn’t the last either and yet I still believed their words when they told me everything was in Gods plan, and he does everything for us to test our love of him because …. God works in mysterious ways don’t you know.
My past wasn’t my cause for my disbelief it was logic. People choose to believe in God regardless of whatever faith they follow because they fear the ending, death, just as much as their fear life. They need something to hold onto so that they can keep going because they just can’t see there is more to everything then just gaining an exclusive membership into Heaven. They need to feel that their suffering is justified because it is all part of whatever God they follows plan.
Sorry, just as I thought this became overly long and emotional. So I think I’ll stop here. Thanks for actually reading that mess, if you got this far into my ranting.