|David and Goliath
First Samuel 16:12 to 22:19
16:12 In private the Lord told Samuel to prepare to soon be pouring oil on a new king's head. Sam found what he thought was a good candidate for kingship living in the region of Judah and poured oil on the young boy whose name was David. Meanwhile the reigning king Saul got a new musician and guess what, his name was David. Young David would refresh Saul by playing lovely sweet harp music whenever the evil of the Lord was upon the king.
17:1 The Philistine army was camped in Judah’s territory and Saul's army camped nearby. A gigantic nine-foot heavily armored Philistine named Goliath offered to fight any Israelite, one on one, and was willing to bet the whole battle for Judah on the outcome. King Saul and everyone in his army was terrified and no one volunteered to fight the Giant. Meanwhile there was this boy who had come bringing lunch to his older brothers in Saul's army and guess what, his name was David. David wanted to fight Goliath.
David eventually made a bid to Saul to be the champion. Saul said "But that's impossible. This Goliath guy has trained for war since he was a little brat like you." David took out his trusty slingshot and answered "It's not impossible. This ugly uncircumcised oaf is no bigger than a lion or a bear or a Tatooinian wamp rat. I use to bulls-eye stuff like that back home."
Saul offered to loan David his armor but David had never practiced wearing clunky, over-sized, heavy armor. David chose to do battle in his britches, with just the slingshot, his walking stick, and five smooth stones. He headed for the big guy and shouted "Come at me bro." Goliath and David shouted several insults back and forth, mostly about each other's moms.
David: Did you fall from heaven? Cause your face is kinda messed up.
Goliath: Oooooh, rush me to the burn unit.
David: I love it when you do that thing with your mouth where it's closed and no sound comes out.
Goliath: Have you been licking toads again?
David: I bet you thought Taco Bell was a phone company.
Goliath: I wonder how many angels could dance on your head.
David: They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
Goliath: I'm not in the mood to laugh today, so I'm just going to stick to listening to your jokes.
Suddenly David slung a rock that caught Goliath square in the forehead. The big bruiser fell to the ground. David ran over to him and took out the giant's sword and cut off his big ugly head. Not bad for a boy in short pants.
The Philistines were shocked and ran away with the Israelites chasing after them. King Saul began asking around, "Just who is this kid?" No one seemed to know anything about the kid, other than him being the official court harpist, having a couple brothers in the army, killed a giant in front of everybody, and having been anointed heir to the royal throne by the high priest of Israel. Eventually the kid was found and brought before the king. He showed up still carrying the big bloody head and guess what, his name was David.
18:1 Saul promoted young David to a general in his army. David and Saul’s son Jonathan became the very best of friends. Good friends. No, I mean real good friends. Really close. Strangely close, close, close good friends. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Meanwhile the women of the cities began dancing and singing "Saul has killed thousands but David has killed tens of thousands." Saul heard this mockery and it made him furious. From that day on he kept a close watch on general David and prince Jonathon, and their developing alliance.
18:10 On more than one occasion when David was playing his harp for Saul he had to suddenly duck for cover when Saul tried to kill him with a spear. Saul sent David to fight Philistines hoping he would be killed in battle but David was a clever general and just became more and more popular. Saul gave David his daughter to wed and only charged him 200 foreskins cut from the penises of Philistines, which was considered a bargain at the time. But let's face it, the daughter of a king for only 200 Philistine foreskins is a really good deal by any measure. Saul hoped that as a sex obsessed newlywed David might be distracted in battle but Dave was skilled in both bed and battle and Saul hated him for it.
Saul tried to get Jonathan to kill David but that was stupid because Jonathan loved David, really loved David, and he talked Saul out of the assassination plan for the moment. Saul sent other men to kill David at his home but David’s wife did the pillow thing to make it look like he was in bed while David snuck out the window and escaped.
David went into hiding at the prophet Samuel’s place for a while. King Saul sent men there to capture him but they wound up getting as crazy with religion as the whole gang of swirling dervishes that hung out with Sam; dancing naked in circles for days until they were dizzy with self-induced trances. King Saul went to see Sam himself but then he also became drunk with religious fervor and whirled around and around naked with the dervishes all day and night, while David sneaked out the back and escaped once more.
20:18 On the day of the new moon Saul was supposed to have dinner with all the generals but Jonathan warned David not to show up and Saul was really upset about it.
21:1 David ran to hide at a holy place called Nob. He swore to the priests at Nob that he hadn't boned a woman in at least three days so the head Nobber said that David was holy enough that he could eat some of the holy bread. David said to the Nobbers "I'm on urgent business for the king and in haste I seem to have left behind my sword. How careless of me. Do you have a spare?" Well by an amazing coincidence the Nob priests just happened to have Goliath's sword there. David took the sword saying "Ain’t it a beut? There is none quite like it, give it to me."
21:13 David went to another place to hide but some followers of Saul saw him and thought he looked familiar. David pretended to be a crazy derelict homeless guy, drooling all over his beard and mumbling about the government and such. The people said "Are we to endure this freaky buzzkill spazwad? Get him out of here." And so David got out of that one and made it all the way back to Judah where he was surrounded by friends and family and loyal troops at last.
22:19 Saul sacked Nob and then had the narc that ratted on the priests there slaughter all 85 of the Nobish priests. He also killed all the Nob animals. Only one descendant of Eli got out of Nob alive and he joined up with David. Meanwhile David's parents hid out in Moab. These were dark times for the fledgling kingdom.
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