A little over two years ago, I flew home to attend my grandmother's(granny) funeral/burial service. The year leading to that moment had proven it to be inevitable, and was merely watching the clock thinking "when?" So when news did arrive about her passing all I felt was indifference. Just so you know Granny, this is a woman who I loved dearly, one who I have the fondest memories of, and once thought that when she passed, my world would crumble. Only, it did not. For a while I thought maybe I was in shock, the "this can't be real" or "we knew it was coming" mode, but it never wore off. So during the services, seeing/hearing people I had never met offer me their condolences and "God's kind words" started to really sicken me. I was standing there completely indifferent, as the room was thriving on their emotional outbursts. It was in no way comforting, and I certainly gained no "closure". If anything, I received my first dose of reality. I walked away wishing I would've stayed gone, not wanting the image I had of her laying there burned into my memories, but it was. However, since then I have managed to replace it. I also walked away with my head spinning endless questions and banishing the idea of my own funeral.

Moving forward several months, I looked back only to see how wide it opened my eyes; And just how forcefully shut most seemed to want theirs. Around that time it finally hit me in a definite way, what I was. I felt relief finally, also it was nice knowing I wasn't an emotionally dead psychopath. Only, another question came crushing down on me: Is my dad like me? We are mirror images of each other in nearly every way, and after thinking about it, I cannot recall him merely mentioning the word god in my conscious memory. I am unable to say that I know the answer to that yet. I only hope one day I will work up the courage to find out.

So, eventually I come to the conclusion that death isn't a bad or even sad thing, it is inevitable and can offer to you, answers. At least if you're like me, it gives you questions and when you start the journey to find the answers; You find a world you never knew existed and every page you turn, can only stare in utter amazement. So, I guess in a sense I can say, she help me in her afterlife. After all, she did.



Views: 13

Comment by Laura Jones on March 20, 2011 at 10:53pm
I like your perspective on death.
Comment by Adrian on March 20, 2011 at 11:06pm
that's life and death, i had these thoughts when i was about thirteen.
Comment by Michael Frazier on March 20, 2011 at 11:19pm
Ah Adrian, my point exactly. Good to hear you are quick to learn!
Comment by Michael Frazier on March 20, 2011 at 11:22pm
Thank you much, Laura! Is your dog always so happy?
Comment by Gaytor on March 20, 2011 at 11:25pm
Intellectually, I agree. I'm pretty matter of fact, but it can still elicit quiet emotions. Usually if it's someone close I'll well up with tears over one or two memories. But I'm also the guy telling stories that get people to laugh and smile. But then again, I'll cry at movies. My wife enjoys laughing at me.
Comment by Michael Frazier on March 20, 2011 at 11:56pm
Hahah, I bet she does, can't hold it in forever! I will say the same, I have recalled memories that make me well up a bit. When I get around music though, especially symphonic/orchestral or percussion ensembles, mannnnn do I lose it.
Comment by Michael Frazier on March 21, 2011 at 12:00am
Your profile picture is cracking me up.
Comment by Walter Maki on March 21, 2011 at 2:16pm
I really liked reading your post Michael. I usually view death with a gray or warped sense of humor. I have seen in my own life the passing a fair number of family by natural cause and the passing of good friend by someone else's hand. I tend to be a sentimental sod reflecting on good memories. Currently my wife's grampa is in a drug induced coma in ICU (in another city) due to some complications. I try to console her by pointing out how far technology in medicine has come and that her grampa is pretty tough even for his old age, so if he has to desire to come out  of this I feel this will help. But also preparing if he does die. My wife's uncle (who has been to the hospital) is very smart but also religious and emotional which doesn't help. I said that everyone should let the doctors do their job before drawing grim conclusions. I am trying to be the stable element in the light of things.

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