A little over two years ago, I flew home to attend my grandmother's(granny) funeral/burial service. The year leading to that moment had proven it to be inevitable, and was merely watching the clock thinking "when?" So when news did arrive about her passing all I felt was indifference. Just so you know Granny, this is a woman who I loved dearly, one who I have the fondest memories of, and once thought that when she passed, my world would crumble. Only, it did not. For a while I thought maybe I was in shock, the "this can't be real" or "we knew it was coming" mode, but it never wore off. So during the services, seeing/hearing people I had never met offer me their condolences and "God's kind words" started to really sicken me. I was standing there completely indifferent, as the room was thriving on their emotional outbursts. It was in no way comforting, and I certainly gained no "closure". If anything, I received my first dose of reality. I walked away wishing I would've stayed gone, not wanting the image I had of her laying there burned into my memories, but it was. However, since then I have managed to replace it. I also walked away with my head spinning endless questions and banishing the idea of my own funeral.
Moving forward several months, I looked back only to see how wide it opened my eyes; And just how forcefully shut most seemed to want theirs. Around that time it finally hit me in a definite way, what I was. I felt relief finally, also it was nice knowing I wasn't an emotionally dead psychopath. Only, another question came crushing down on me: Is my dad like me? We are mirror images of each other in nearly every way, and after thinking about it, I cannot recall him merely mentioning the word god in my conscious memory. I am unable to say that I know the answer to that yet. I only hope one day I will work up the courage to find out.
So, eventually I come to the conclusion that death isn't a bad or even sad thing, it is inevitable and can offer to you, answers. At least if you're like me, it gives you questions and when you start the journey to find the answers; You find a world you never knew existed and every page you turn, can only stare in utter amazement. So, I guess in a sense I can say, she help me in her afterlife. After all, she did.