The Holiday where Christians will adorn their white robes to deliver salvation to the evil devil children Halloween by giving them Bibles instead of Candy.


It started yesterday when my Sister, who knows and hates that I’m atheist, asked me what I was doing for Halloween. Instantly I knew something was off because my Sister is just too Jesus-y to celebrate such an evil Holiday.Oh, she dresses her boyfriend’s kids up (as angels, knights, & princesses) all right but then she ruins it by taking them to the church so they can pray to Jesus. Oh joy!


When I was a kid she did that to me but bitched the entire time because I dressed up as a zombie devil princess and I ate candy during prayer. What can I say I was eight!.


Anyways I told her I wasn’t going to have time to do anything this year because the guys were working that night. So I would be home alone watching every horror movie in my arsenal of awesome in the dark. She scoffed at the mention of my horror movies and asked me if instead I would like to join her for ……. Jesus-Ween….. “What?”


Jesus-Ween; where Jesus gets your candy and you get a book. After she went on about it for several minutes I set my phone down and looked it up myself… To my horror she wasn’t lying. After a quick glance over of their web site I just had to ask her.

“Carol, let me ask you a question”


“How many kids typically come to your door where you live?”

“I don’t know, maybe 60 -70 kids, why?”

“You do realize you’re going to have to fork out $140 bucks to have enough Bibles to cover just the kids that show up at your door”


*SIGH* “You mean to tell me your going to fork out $140 dollars plus shipping to some Religious group that doesn’t have to pay taxes, just so you can hand out Bibles to little kids?”

“YEAH, what’s wrong with that?”

“A lot! If I was a kid and you handed me a Bible instead of candy I would hit you with it then TP your entire house and yard”.

“OMG, what is wrong with you Halloween is filled with sin and you have the chance to do something good for it”.

“Oh you’re funny; I am doing a lot of good by not subjecting children to that horrible book or making some jerk off rich but good luck with that”.


Personally I now feel like getting all my friends to dress up as Jesus, their kids included, and we all go hit up these Jesus-ween houses.



Views: 400

Tags: Holdays

Comment by Cara Coleen on October 27, 2011 at 9:43pm

If we're out trick-or-treating and get handed a Bible, should we have the Satantic Bible handy to hand back? Or the Qur'an? Or--even better--have copies Origin of Species! Or maybe just have the kid practice and say something to the effect of, "No thanks. I'm not into fairy tales anymore" and then hand the Bible back.

Comment by M.B. on October 27, 2011 at 10:33pm

THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN! I have another version though. Why don't we all dress up like the Flying Spaghetti Monster and we hand kids spaghetti and meatballs instead of candy. Then, we tell the kids to go and TP the houses and yards of those who gave 'books'. Come on is a good idea, and think how much spaghetti and meat balls one can make with $140 (it's more cost efficient). 


I just can't believe these people! They're clearly running out of ideas.

Comment by Cara Coleen on October 27, 2011 at 10:43pm

lol!!! YES! Just little sandwich bags full of lukewarm spaghetti!!! instead of TP, why not noodle their houses?! just sprinkle all sorts of noodles as a kind of blessing (like holy water or lamb's blood). I'm sure they'll thank us when the FSM passes by and does not kill their first born ;)

ramen & ramen

Comment by Jared on October 27, 2011 at 11:03pm

Just as long as we don't get any wise guys trying to pass out fettucini ...blasphemy at its worst.

Comment by Cara Coleen on October 27, 2011 at 11:18pm

Well of course no fettucini! That would require at least 50 hail FSMs, or 3 lashes with the angel hair noodle!

Comment by ernie garcia on October 27, 2011 at 11:27pm

i thought jesus ween was christ-mass.  or soter-easter.

Comment by Dave Gibbs on October 28, 2011 at 1:12am

Its a nice fantasy, Dustin, but think of the therapy bills.

Comment by Daniel Clear on October 28, 2011 at 6:16am

as a miserable old englishman i applaud this celbration of jesus's weiner. sure it'll cost a lot for all those bibles but think of it as an investment. it'll be years before any of the little scrotes come begging at my door again

Comment by Nate on October 28, 2011 at 9:10am

wow lol.  This doesn’t surprise me.  The first thing that came to mind was that person that wanted to take the "hell" out of hello so they started saying heaveno as a greeting... christians love taking things and changing them into their own, you know like money, christmas, easter, ect. ect. I would be pissed if I got a bible; at least with raisins you can eat them for sustenance in a pinch.


Comment by Craig Nomazlab on October 28, 2011 at 10:13am

Her house will get egged and TP'd. And when it does, I reccomend informing her that you told her so.


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Things you hate.

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