Note, Hadiths are the sayings of Muhammad piss be upon him,

 

and now lest start the top 10...

 

10. Narrated ‘Abdullah bin ‘Umar:

I heard Allah’s Apostle saying, “People are just like camels, out of one hundred, one can hardly find a single camel suitable to ride.”

 

9. Narrated Abu Huraira:

If you want to put on your shoes, put on the right shoe first; and if you want to take them off, take the left one first. Let the right shoe be the first to be put on and the last to be taken off.”

 

8. Narrated ‘Abdul ‘Aziz:

It was said to Anas “What did you hear the Prophet saying about garlic?” Anas replied, “Whoever has eaten (garlic) should not approach our mosque.”

 

7. Narrated Ibn ‘Abbas:

The Prophet said, “If anyone of you on having sexual relations with his wife said (and he must say it before starting) ‘In the name of Allah. O Allah! Protect us from Satan and also protect what you bestow upon us (i.e. the coming offspring) from Satan, and if it is destined that they should have a child then, Satan will never be able to harm that offspring.”


6. Narrated Anas bin Malik: 


 The Prophet said, “Allah puts an angel in charge of the uterus and the angel says, ‘O Lord, (it is) semen! O Lord, (it is now ) a clot! O Lord, (it is now) a piece of flesh.’ And then, if Allah wishes to complete its creation, the angel asks, ‘O Lord, (will it be) a male or a female? A wretched (an evil doer) or a blessed (doer of good)? How much will his provisions be? What will his age be?’ So all that is written while the creature is still in the mother’s womb.”

 

5. Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, “Isn’t he who raises his head before the Imam afraid that Allah may transform his head into that of a donkey or his figure (face) into that of a donkey?”

 

4. Narrated Ibn Umar:

 Allah’s Apostle said, “When the (upper) edge of the sun appears (in the morning), don’t perform a prayer till the sun appears in full, and when the lower edge of the sun sets, don’t perform a prayer till it sets completely. And you should not seek to pray at sunrise or sunset for the sun rises between two sides of the head of the devil (or Satan).”

3. Narrated Anas:


The Prophet said, “Whoever has seen me in a dream, then no doubt, he has seen me, for Satan cannot imitate my shape"


2. Narrated ‘Abdullah :

A person was mentioned before the Prophet (p.b.u.h.) and he was told that he had kept on sleeping till morning and had not got up for the prayer. The Prophet said, “Satan urinated in his ears.”

 

1. Narrated Abu Huraira:

 The Prophet said, “If anyone of you rouses from sleep and performs the ablution, he should wash his nose by putting water in it and then blowing it out thrice, because Satan has stayed in the upper part of his nose all the night.”

Views: 2270

Tags: 10, Funny, Hadith, Islamic, Top

Comment by Strega on October 9, 2012 at 2:48pm

@ Arch - I had not been aware of the mystery of the number 72, how interesting, Thank you.

Hymen regrowth, which sounds a bit drastic, means that the virgin could have shagged just about any number of other people (up to 72 of course) and still be a virgin.  There goes Purity out of the window..

The perpetual erection sounds a bit tiring, but that is way out of my field of experience (although I have met quite a few pricks in my life).

Isn't it ironic that a religion that is so conservative about sex in this lifetime seems to be promising that the after-life is one continuous orgy.  No time for feasting or drinking and certainly not for peeing, not with that everlasting erection.  You couldn't really expect to spend any time with your family either, with that perpetual bulge in your trousers. A tad inconvenient.  Who thinks this stuff up?

(I like my baby with garlic and onions please - and Strega the nickname was in honour of a fantastic liqueur I discovered in Italy years ago - the witch part was just a bonus, although I think the Strega witch was a hag with a wart on her nose, so possibly an even better fit for me)

Comment by archaeopteryx on October 9, 2012 at 3:08pm

As I was about to comment to Hope, regarding this Hadith, and now to you as well, since you brought the subject up - doesn't the inclusion of this Hadith seem to serve as a Rorschach, to give us an insight into what was uppermost in Mohammad's mind?

As to he baby question, I meant rare, medium or well --

Comment by archaeopteryx on October 9, 2012 at 3:28pm

Is there a Hadith that says there will be opportunities for study and mind improvement, or is it all about the sex? I loves me some sex, but I also enjoy a good book. Does this god (or prophet, considering he's the one who put these words into his god's mouth) really believe that that's all we are?

Comment by Strega on October 9, 2012 at 4:52pm

I imagine it might be difficult to concentrate on mind improvement with a perpetual erection, despite the potential availability of a built-in book support.

(medium rare, please)

Comment by James Cox on October 9, 2012 at 10:40pm

 "...really believe that that's all we are?"

On my reading of some Darwin and evolutionary biology, I was of the impression that individuals of a species are just carriers of genetic information. Mateing, and birth, as the result of competion success. If you are already 'dead', the fantasy continues, minus the biology! If the Profit, still thought that biology continues after death, what can I say, but, 'happy permanent wet dream!'

Comment by Hope on October 10, 2012 at 12:39am

Re, Arch

. As I was about to comment to Hope, regarding this Hadith, and now to you as well, since you brought the subject up - doesn't the inclusion of this Hadith seem to serve as a Rorschach, to give us an insight into what was uppermost in Mohammad's mind?

As to he baby question, I meant rare, medium or well --

 => medium rare.. Because they don't pay much attention to maybe because it's not as sacred as the Koran..

  • Why 72?" - 72 appears to be a magical number, revered by Muslims and Jews alike. According to legend, the Jewish Torah was translated from the original Hebrew into the Greek Septuagint by 72 bilingual biblical scholars (chosen after hundreds of interviews of hundreds of such scholars), sequestered in a seaside compound, and it was accomplished - wait for it -- in 72 days.

=> Here is an old posted discussion about the issue of translation in the Koran..

The Syro-Aramaic Reading of the Koran

  • Is there a Hadith that says there will be opportunities for study and mind improvement, or is it all about the sex? I loves me some sex, but I also enjoy a good book. Does this god (or prophet, considering he's the one who put these words into his god's mouth) really believe that that's all we are?

=> Here is one:  "seeking knowledge an obligation upon every Muslim" <- that's a normal Hadith unlike these bove..

Comment by archaeopteryx on October 10, 2012 at 2:00am

Hope - RE: "Here is one:  "seeking knowledge an obligation upon every Muslim" <- that's a normal Hadith unlike these bove.."

It really doesn't sound like the same person wrote the two, does it?

BTW, your English is great, did you ever go to school in the US?

Comment by Hope on October 10, 2012 at 2:25am

Yes!  doesn't sound like the same person wrote the two because Hadith was written 200 hundred years after Muhammad's death..

//BTW, your English is great, did you ever go to school in the US?//

*Blushes* I wish if I was better..

 

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