I'm still new to TA, but really really appreciate the warm welcome I've had.


But I have a little trouble.

My fiancé is extremely Christian, pentacostal at that. And while we can have civilised conversations about most other aspects of religion and how it will effect our future, but there's just one thing that we cannot settle on; children. It's a long way off yet, but he is adamant that they WILL go to church from a young age until they are old enough to make their own decision...although, of course, by that time they'll be...I don't want to say indoctrinated, but that's what it'll be,won't it? I would much rather my future children wait until they are 5 or 6 and then decide what they want to do.


Have any of you had this problem? I don't really know any atheists, or even agnostics that have married someone religious.


Then there's the whole problem of him "marrying someone of a different faith" which of course the Bible doesn't allow. And his pastor father who seems to think I'll "come around" before we get married. But that's a completely different story.


I look forward to any help you can give.



Views: 64

Comment by Hannah Cutts on July 5, 2011 at 2:07pm
@Blake; He is open to listening to me, but I get the impression that he thinks I'm denying the truth. I respect that he believes and talk about "his God", but he doesn't understand that this doesn't mean I believe at all.

@James; He hopes that I'll come around, but always tells me that he doesn't mind if I don't. I can't say I honestly believe him though.

@Todd; thanks for the advice, I'll bear it in mind, I might have to shoot for a bit younger though, maybe just need to try super hard!

@Rick; Thanks for the calm reply. I was thinking along the same lines, if they have both options, then they'll pick the right one with any luck. Just need to keep reinforcing it and answering questions.

I'll point out now that while he is Pentacostal, he is very understanding, and I have made it clear that I will not back down in my Atheism. We met without it and love each other (in my case in spite of it). I'll definitely take all of your points in mind and have another talk with him about it when I travel out to see him next week (he's in the US and I'm in the UK, which is why not marrying him is not an option if I want to move over there, which I desperately do).

Let me know if you have any more questions/suggestions that don't involve running away as fast as possible. I'm determined to make this work.
Comment by Hannah Cutts on July 5, 2011 at 2:07pm
Oh, and don't be afraid to add me! I always enjoy talking to relative strangers. =)
Comment by Mo Trauen on July 5, 2011 at 3:30pm
Sorry, but you need to dump him and now.  Atheist women are in great demand as atheist men outnumber the women.  You can have your pick.  Why saddle yourself with this baggage?  Seriously, this could ruin your life.  Do NOT marry someone if you don't agree on the terms of the marriage.  Do NOT have kids with them.  This could have a seriously negative effect on your kids as well.  This is the only life you get, don't screw it up.
Comment by Hannah Cutts on July 5, 2011 at 3:33pm
I understand Mo, and I've thought it over a lot, but I have to say that the religion is the only thing that we don't share. We have so much more in common, including the same morals. I'm sure we can overcome this. I'm not giving up on the relationship. This may be the only life I get, but I'm still young enough to make things right if need me.
Comment by Mo Trauen on July 5, 2011 at 3:51pm

You are young enough to fix it now, but that can change in very little time--and it will seem like even less time.  To quote Anton Chekov from his play The Three Sisters:  "Life will swallow you up".  It will be too late to correct such a mistake before you know it. 


If you haven't see a production of "The Three Sisters", I highly recommend you do so.  It's a great play and its message about the fleeting nature of life and the river of events that carries us to its end without us noticing--until too late--is profound. 

Comment by Hannah Cutts on July 5, 2011 at 3:56pm
I honestly think that I'd rather spend my life making mistakes than backing out now and wondering how things might have ended up. 

I'll be sure to look around for it, sounds very interesting.
Comment by Joe g on July 5, 2011 at 4:19pm

So you want to marry him to get into the US? Squeeze out a couple of kids then you know you can stay?  It's starting to sound more like you want him to change for you, but you are outnumbered and playing in his home turf.


How exactly did you meet? Have you ever really spent any time with him? Will this be your first trip to be with him?  Sounds like you have omitted a lot of information. What do you mean by the same morals?  You agree on three out of 10 commandments?  Are you both virgins?


Methinks your are holding back important information.

Comment by Hannah Cutts on July 5, 2011 at 4:27pm

Woah woah woah. That sounded rather hasty. I'm marrying because I love him, yes, we (note that it's both of us) would hold off a few years given the choice, but I really want to go to University in the US, and us getting married now makes a lot more sense than me waiting and getting my degree in the UK. Your squeezing out kids sentiment was a little out of place I think. I've always wanted children, and that has no bearing on where I will live and what citizenship I will or won't have. I don't want him to change at all, that's not what this is about, it's about what's doing the best for my future family and making sure they're well rounded and happy.

We met online, hence the not knowing about the religious differences for a while. I've spent a decent amount of time with him, and me going to the US for 7 weeks this summer is going to be the real test of the relationship.

On the same morals thing, we have the same political views, same views on healthcare, education, abortion, poverty. It's just his morals come from religious teachings and mine don't.

And no, neither of us are virgins, but I don't see how that's relevant in the grand scheme of things. 

Comment by Mo Trauen on July 5, 2011 at 4:37pm
Oops, typo.  That should have been "seen" not "see".  Also, one more quick thought.  Religion isn't just one thing.  It is a universal view--it touches upon everything in a believer's life and effects his view of it.
Comment by Hannah Cutts on July 5, 2011 at 4:40pm
You're right Mo, but despite him being Pentecostal, there aren't many things we disagree on. Like I said to Joe, we share most of the same morals, they just come from different places. I respect him, and he respects me, he just keeps his hopes up, which I can deal with for the most part.


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