A conceptual proposal by – Heather Spoonheim

Crystal Assurances is an emerging concept that is sure to make waves is the well established yet burgeoning sector of intangible\unfalsifiable goods and services. The Crystal Assurances concept is so fresh that a full prospectus has yet to be developed and so, in lieu, this rough conceptual disclosure is being released in hopes of securing venture concept. Similar to venture capital, venture concept seeks to establish early phase start-up assets, although of a conceptual rather than capital nature. Venture conceptualists can expect rewarding returns on their imaginative input by way of the inspiration gained through seeing their ideas blossom into a truly innovative new enterprise.

The seed concept for Crystal Assurances is rooted in gaining maximum returns from superstitious beliefs in the supernatural properties of translucent rocks extracted from recreational lakeside properties around the world. For the purposes of spawning maximized creative conceptualization, Crystal Assurances is providing this full disclosure of our current conceptual model. All conceptual contributions are extremely welcome.

It should be first necessary to undertake the development of a list of fears commonly held by members of the general population. To this end, an extensive telephone survey should be conducted to query people about the sorts of fearful thoughts that cross their minds when initially leaving or returning home. Examples offered for the purpose of fertilizing the imagination may include electrical fires, burglary, predatorial rapists lurking in the closet, home invasion, and, of course, alien abduction. Responses should be recorded alongside address information.

The list of common fears generated by the telephone survey should be both statistically and conceptually analyzed to provide for a pseudo-rational grouping of a significant majority of responses into seven categories. Each of these categories should be assigned a distinct colour, to be associated with translucent rocks within a reasonably similar colour spectrum. These seven categories may be called The Seven Foundational Assurances of the Crystal Spectrum, or any other equally ominous sounding moniker.

The Crystal Assurances Temple should contain a Grand Hall large enough to contain seven very large civic maps displayed on ceremonial tables, most likely arranged in an occult related geometric pattern. The maps can then by overlaid with phosphorescent transparencies capable of glowing in the seven colours previously discussed. The décor should appear significantly ceremonial and appropriate lighting should be installed to emphasize the central importance of the tables while also triggering the phosphorescence of the overlaid transparencies. Crystal Assurance guides should be adorned in new age robes and available to direct clients who may wish to see that their Crystal Assurances are active.

The sales force should be provided with well developed gospels, designed by psychologists to trigger the fears previously recorded during the telephone survey. The appropriate gospel should be used based on the category of fear recorded for the address. The gospels should make no claims to any statistical reduction in the occurrence of the sorts of events that trigger fears but should, rather, offer assurances of a general reduction in the fears themselves. Membership in Crystal Assurances shall be contingent on the purchase of protection from at least one fear. Such purchase will result in placement of a phosphorescent overlay on the members address on the associated civic map in the Grand Hall and a free gift of an appropriately coloured translucent rock. Continued protection should be contingent on a monthly subscription.

Pricing models should be structured after those of common fitness centre contracts, requiring full disclosure of banking information and a cancellation policy that is sufficiently complicated such as to result in very low probabilities of successful cancellation. Bonus packs should be offered for coverage of multiple fears. Further services can be offered in the way of psychological counseling, although counselors should be properly instructed in techniques of focusing attention on the fear reducing qualities of the phosphorescent transparencies and translucent rocks.

By establishing itself in the intangible/unfalsifiable goods and services sector, Crystal Assurances is assured of success protected by freedom of belief guarantees provided within most western nations. Furthermore, aside from being free from the requirements placed on other sectors in the matter of returning fair value for monetary considerations in kind, the intangible/unfalsifiable goods and services sector actually provides remarkably advantageous taxation structures. It is with great eagerness that we await your venture concept contributions.

Views: 10

Comment by Jacob LeMaster on May 14, 2011 at 12:12am
Thats bat shit awesome in a terrible way... lol
Comment by Heather Spoonheim on May 14, 2011 at 12:29am
I'm thinking we need a hot tub in the 'guide' area.
Comment by Jacob LeMaster on May 14, 2011 at 12:32am

steam rooms and hallucinogenics? 

Comment by Richard on May 15, 2011 at 11:39am
Heather, You are a riot! I know a few people who would sign o right up for this.
Comment by Heather Spoonheim on May 15, 2011 at 11:48am
What I get the biggest kick from is the fact that in most countries you actually face softer taxes when you are literally selling intangible/unfalsifiable goods.  How the hell did that ever happen?

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