Last night whilst soaking in a hot bath I was contemplating the journey so far from spiritualist to atheist and I had this gnawing feeling in my stomach which I realised was guilt.
So why the guilt?
I suppose what I am annoyed at is how gullible I have been, instead of researching possible causes for the experiences I had, instead I was lazy and just accepted them at face value. From the age of 20 I might as well had been in a cult as the group I was in were very influential, add to that my need to believe and you had a winning combination which programmed me quite nicely in the spiritualist way. What I am grateful for is my rebellious nature which made me question a lot, what worked against me was my insecurity back then which influenced me to want to belong. I think the years of being bullied and finally being accepted had a deep affect on my feelings and it was good to be part of something, so I made sure I didn't rock the boat.
So whilst I was soaking away last night I realised it was time to let go of the guilt I felt and the regret at being so gullible. I am also hugely grateful for not writing that spiritual book and doing spiritual talks around the country and world, I feel embarrassed enough as it is, I can't imagine what it would have been like to have the realisation that spirituality is all made up whilst in the throes of really promoting it!
So I forgave myself last night, I felt good and felt lighter for it. The regrets are dying out and by focusing on where I am right now releases any past or future feelings and sets me free to be me now. I have had some very angry emails from people I know who want to challenge me and that is fair enough, nothing they can say will change my mind though as this is where I am right now. To everyone I promoted spirituality to, oopps and sorry, it was all I knew at the time and my intentions like most spiritualists were to help at the time. I hope you can forgive me too?
I am human and due to lack of knowledge and other social conditioning factors I was naive and gullible. This journey has made me who I am now so there is that to factor in when it comes to regrets and I am really enjoying irrational spiritual beliefs and work towards freeing people from that too.
I said 2011 would be a huge year of change.
I never would have been able to predict, just how much change.