In Which We Up The Ante (Sign up for your Smiting!)

All right.  As you can see, I still have not been at the business end of a smiting.

 

I've discussed with some fellow non-believers about the possibility that there's a bit of a game of prayer-hockey going on, between people who are praying for me to be smote (smited?) and people who are praying for God to deliver me from certain smitage.  It's now going on four and a half days since I first called out God in a local newspaper forum, in defiant response to some looney suggestion that atheists are afraid of God:

In fact I'm so unafraid of God that I'll call the sadistic SOB out right here and right now. Come and get me. Hit me with that lightning bolt. Or that heart attack. It's not like you don't know where I am.

So now that you're pretty well up to date, there's still some business to which I want to attend.

 

A fellow member here at Think Atheist suggests that in order to increase the likelihood of a proper smiting--one which many will likely agree that I have coming--that more people should have the opportunity to sign up for the smiting.  That way, if the people praying for me to be delivered from smiting are successful, but someone else gets a smiting, it's still sufficient evidence of someone there to smite us.

 

Now before you jump on board, I want to share some guidelines that my fellow blasphemers and I agreed to ahead of time.  We don't want to be accused of moving the goal posts after the fact, after all; we want to play fair.

 

  • Smiting must be committed BY GOD.  It can't be done by a person claiming to do God's work.  We don't want any ambiguity here, or anything that could be misinterpreted by either side.
  • Smiting must be an honest-to-goodness SMITING.  Acceptable forms of smiting include (but are not limited to) lightning strikes, spontaneous combustion, turning into a pillar of salt, being swallowed by a whale (especially while on land), or Indiana Jones-style instant face-melting death scenes.  Hang nails, calls from bill collectors, and fender-benders can not be considered smiting, nor can illness that leads to eventual death (though leprosy may be open for debate).
  • We ask, though we recognize we can't be the ones to decide this, that the smiting affect ONLY those who are undersigned in this comment thread.  We feel it is unethical as well as unnecessary for friends, loved ones, or innocent bystanders to be taken out as collateral damage in our own smiting.  We feel that an omniscient, omnipotent being should have no problem with carrying out a "SMART" smiting.  This in mind, if any friends, loved ones, or innocent bystanders are taken out as collateral damage, that the decision was God's and not ours; please don't blame the terrible atheists for what might occur.
  • No "Smite-baiting".  We can't go and do things we normally wouldn't do in an attempt to create a situation which might be construed as smiting.  For example, no going out in open fields during a thunderstorm, street-racing on glare ice roads, taking up a sudden interest in cocaine, or actively searching for the Ark of the Covenant (unless of course any of these things relate to what you do for a living).
  • No "Smite-dodging" either.  We can't stop doing things we normally would do in an attempt to avoid a situation which might be construed as smiting.  So if you normally commute to work, you can't just call out sick every day.
  • Anything that has occurred prior to date of signing (in your case) or prior to January 1, 2011 (in my case) can not be construed as a smiting.
  • Now, we understand that according to scripture, God was able to create the entire universe in just under one week.  Therefore we think it not unreasonable to expect a smiting to come within one week of asking for it.  But since linear time is a bit dodgy in dealing with the Man Upstairs (except of course in the instance of the birth and death of his only kid...) we feel it reasonable to suggest a set week in which the window of opportunity for a smiting is open.  Mind, we realize we don't get to choose when we get smoten; but again, a period of a week seems perfectly reasonable in our minds. 
  • Now, I've asked for this smiting just around four days before the time of writing this; however others here are later in joining in.  In order for everyone who wants a smiting to get a chance to sign up, therefore, it is suggested that you sign up before May 22, 2011 (at which time it is said the world will begin to end, and that will make it much more difficult for us to objectively observe smitage).

And so, be it known, that we, the Undersigned, are not afraid of God in the slightest (as we find it impossible to fear that which doesn't exist), and are willing to prove our lack of fear by setting our hand blah blah blah forasmuch legalspeak goes here... SMITE US.

 

So let it be posted, so let it be done.

 

Think you're the only atheist in Maine?  Think again! http://centralmaineatheists.blogspot.com or follow @CMEAA on Twitter.  Central Maine Atheist Alliance: Wicked good without god since 2010. 

 

Views: 747

Tags: atheism, blasphemy, god-fearing, humor, signup, smite&malice, smitewatch2011

Comment by Laura Foster on January 7, 2011 at 11:31pm
I just want to hear the newscaster struggle with the past tense of "smite" as much as I have been.
Comment by Dale Headley on February 13, 2011 at 1:51pm
Let the smiting begin!
Comment by Gilgamesh on February 13, 2011 at 2:41pm
Count me in..
Comment by Myrre Neuquer on February 13, 2011 at 3:12pm

in

Comment by Gregor Basić on February 13, 2011 at 3:30pm

Silly atheist thinks that god-fellow will smite him if he says please, of course he won't, he likes to watch us squirm in out disbelief...

 

I'm just pulling your leg, I'm in, but we will all have to get medical check ups before doing this. We don't want some inherited immune diseases proving god exist.

Comment by Jarrod Payne on February 14, 2011 at 6:11am

I am so in for this, i am always keen for a good old fashioned old testament style smiting!

 

I actually have requested a smiting before, in a church of all places and im still waiting!!! Its been like 7 years! Perhaps heaven is like a badly run government organisation and they just have a bad back-log of smites?

Comment by Mausy5043 on May 21, 2011 at 3:03am
No smiting yet... Think I'll just go shop for a new fridge today.
Comment by Jonel Burge on May 21, 2011 at 4:52am
Has anyone actually be smited? And this was what, months ago? Jesus, someone's a bit of a flake...
Comment by Ralph Oswald on October 8, 2011 at 2:59am

Too funny! I know this is an old thread, but I'm trying hard to keep my chest from exploding, I  was laughing so hard. 

Would that count? My chest exploding? Probably not.

Comment by Jonel Burge on October 8, 2011 at 3:21am

Nah, just like dying during sex doesn't count either. Don't ask how I puzzled that out.

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