Comment by Reggie on April 30, 2010 at 7:59pm

Sometimes our personal feelings and prejudices are difficult or impossible to change. It's our actions and words that matter. You may never feel comfortable around gay people, and there is nothing wrong with that in and by itself, but you recognize their rights and their humanity and I think that is far more important than your comfort level.

Comment by Keith A. Szilagyi on April 30, 2010 at 9:32pm

I think that knowing you are homophobic and admitting it here (as left leaning as we tend to be) is the first step to overcoming your fear. I suggest you expose yourself to your friends that are gay and open a dialogue on your feelings.

Comment by Renshia on April 30, 2010 at 10:11pm

Sorry Franco I call bullshit. There is no possible way you can utter the words "i don't hate gays & i respect them", and be homophobic.
The definition of homophobia is: Fear of or contempt for lesbians and gay men
I do not interpret anything you have said that would be characteristic of homophobia.

Just because you are uncomfortable in a strange environment does not mean fear and contempt. It could simply be a natural response to unfamiliar conditions.

For instance When I was younger I went to visit my new girl friends Polish parents. I was uncomfortable, I didn't understand the language and her father scared the shit out of me. Does that mean I hate Polish people, or that I am a racists. No it means my body was doing what it's instincts tell it do do in an unfamiliar setting.

Now if you were standing there thinking something like, Oh no I surrounded By fracing fags, and ran out of the house, then yeah, that would be homophobic.

Maybe you just need time to adjust to a new way of thinking and take time to become familiar with the environment. My opinion about homosexuality is this. The only difference between straight and gay is who there having sex with. If your not having sex with them, then there's no difference at all.
No that doesn't mean some gay people aren't annoying. I find very feminine gay men annoying but I also I find very feminine straight men annoying too. It's the excessive femininity that is annoying, the fact their gay is irrelevant.

So don't be to hard on yourself. Coming out of a life of religious programing can be a challenge. The best part is you get to recognize those programed responses and change them.

May your journey have heart that's all that really matters.

Comment by Mario Rodgers on April 30, 2010 at 10:14pm

Yeah. That doesn't sound like homophobia. Probably just a little bit of bias. We've all got some level of that in different ways.

Comment by James on April 30, 2010 at 10:46pm

It takes a big person to admit to something like this. But I commend you greatly for turning your contempt away and now being ashamed of what you've done. Bravo! I do think you're current stance doesn't sound like homophobia, to the letter of the definition. But I certainly understand what you were meaning in this blog. Thanks for sharing.

Comment by Galen on May 1, 2010 at 1:23am

I think you're handling these feelings in exactly the right way. Tolerance doesn't mean you LIKE something, it means you TOLERATE (put up with) it! Nobody's ever said that you HAVE to LIKE gay people and nobody SHOULD ever say that. As long as you recognize your own personal prejudices and don't try to run other people's lives based on them, you're doing exactly the right thing!

For example, one of my prejudices is that I am terribly bigoted against the elderly. I have no idea why or what they ever did to me, but for some reason I just plain don't friggin' like old people. Some individual old people, sure, but as a group, no way! Even so, if somebody tried to pass a law banning old people from getting married, I would be one of the first to oppose it and call bullshit. Just because I have a personal dislike for a certain group of people doesn't mean that I think they should be treated badly or deprived of their rights and basic human respect. THAT'S tolerance and that's what a civilized society demands of its citizens.

Comment by Cara Coleen on May 1, 2010 at 8:40am

One thing my mother constantly warned me against was becoming "desensitized", ie not being offended by nudity, fowl language, sexual content, etc... If you get used to something that would normally illicit a negative response, you've been desensitized. I've discovered this is a good thing.

So, I recommend desensitizing yourself. Somehow acclimate yourself with homosexuals, even if it's by watching shows like Will & Grace. Expose yourself to that culture and, eventually, you won't feel so repulsed; you'll get used to them. Now, I don't exactly recommend you go out and become friends with them immediately... not until you can handle being around them without making them feel awkward.

Because you obviously don't hate them, I think there's hope for you someday enjoying their company. Don't beat yourself up too much. Like a couple people have already pointed out, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery!

Comment by Chetan D on May 1, 2010 at 8:43pm

Find that person you spit on and apologize.

That's what you need to be doing.

Comment by Wonderist on May 2, 2010 at 11:53am

It took becoming a close friend with a gay man -- who I initially didn't realize he was gay, though apparently he thinks of himself as a 'flaming queen'; I guess my 'gaydar' is weak-to-non-existent -- before I was finally able to overcome my latent homophobia.

I didn't hate gays, and I respected their rights and their efforts to fight for their rights, but I still felt 'icky' and 'weird' around them. I consider that homophobia, even if it's fairly mild.

What turned the corner for me was when I just right-out asked my friend what it was like to be gay, what his sexuality was like, whether he felt like he was 'feminine' or what?

And it turns out, that he's just a guy, a human, a person, like any other person, except that he has a different sexual attraction than I do. That's it. I guess I used to think that this difference made gays completely different from me, strange, unknown, unable to understand. But that was just my irrational fear, and the fact that I had never really been friends with any openly gay people.

Why should I be afraid of a different sexual attraction? I'm not afraid of women because of their different sexual attraction. It's just one more difference that people have, and people have millions of differences that we do not (and need not) fear.

So, after getting to know my gay friend, I see gay people (and any other people with different sexualities) in a completely natural way. There's nothing wrong with being gay, so why would I worry about it? Why fear it? It makes no sense. They're just people. People have differences. No big deal.

Yet another irrational fear I've given up over the years. Life is better without it!

Comment by Shanika on May 3, 2010 at 4:12pm

I admire how open and honest you are!!!!

I think that when people think about homosexuals, the first thing that usually comes to mind is the sex. People think about two men or two women having sex and it's distasteful to them or they can't understand the attraction. That's fine but, of course, it would help if we change that initial thought with the realization that these are two people who love and value each other! They care about each other! There's certainly beauty in that! They deserve a place in this world just like anyone else.

I think another reason for homophobia (among men especially) has a lot to do with the culture's description of manhood. Manhood is put in a box, and if a man doesn't fit a certain description, he is often labled a "sissy" a "punk", "weak", etc. Men are taught to be tough, hard, strong, etc (which is why I think manhood needs to be redefined. We should be teaching our boys that it's ok to cry, it's ok to feel pain, that it's not okay to be angry and fight and be violent in the name of "boys will be boys"...smh...that's just my opinion). So, maybe for some men, being around homosexuals or accepting homosexuals as "okay" is seen as a threat to their own manhood. Maybe they feel that by doing so, they would be seen as "soft" or will be accused themselves of being gay. Or maybe they think the gay gene will somehow rub off on them! lol..I don't know. But that's why it's important to re-edcuate yourself on what's fact and get rid of incorrect thinking.

It's good that you are at least seeking to overcome your fears! I agree with Chetan. If you can, it would really be good for you to apologize to the person you spit on. That's would I would call being a real man!:-); being man enough to say, "I'm sorry I hurt you."

Here's a picture of Mohammad Ali. I love this one because it shows such strength....for what is stronger than love? :-)

http://iml.jou.ufl.edu/projects/spring05/shaffer/ali_mom.jpg

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