I so want to send this letter to a childhood friend of mine, but I probably won't. I want to stop taking her calls, but I've known her since I was 11. I'm still friends with her sister (we were like the Three Amigas at one point), but... I dunno. I'm just so over the facade. And I'm so over feeling so... invalidated. This girl has been through so much, and I tried to be there for her... but it has been ALL about her for so long, and not me at all. It's a toxic relationship, really.

Well, whatever I do, I'm just going to post this... so someone sees it I guess... so I can get it out there. I sort of want to apply it to so many people in my life, too. I'm so tired of feeling objectified by their religion, like, I'm just a project... a pitiable sinner. I ceased to be human when I stopped believing their fairy tales. It's such a weird feeling even after all this time.

Look, no hard feelings, I just feel a comment you made on the phone the other day was the straw the broke the camel’s back, as it were.

I’ve been a loyal and compassionate friend to you. Even when you were hard to love -and you were- I loved you. I comforted you as best I could, let you tell me all your deepest, darkest secrets without judging you, and even chose to live in a place that was extremely toxic to my mental health… because I didn’t want you to be alone there.

When I arrived, I was in the middle of a shift of my world view. It was hard, it was traumatic, but it was necessary. I changed my mind about what I believed because I felt there were better explanations. My relationships have, as a terrible side-effect, suffered because of it… but I cannot lie to mend them.

I tried once to talk to you about this struggle I was having, but you told me, in no uncertain terms, you “liked” what you believed, and had no interest in changing it. I dropped the subject… forever. I never, ever pushed what I believed on you, or even made off-hand comments about my perspective in this area. I’ve always been respectful, and never once told you I thought what you believed was silly or wrong. I’ve only ever validated your right to be who you are, and believe what you will.

Like I said, you’ve shared with me all your secrets… secrets you didn’t even want to share with your sister. I’ve kept them. But now I just feel like your confessional, and not your friend. You’ve never expressed much interest in my life, or my boyfriend, or my beliefs, or anything that makes me who I am. I’ve always wondered why you continue to want to speak with me when we have so little in common, and when you’re so disinterested in me. But, I thought you just needed the support, familiarity, and stability I offered.

But now… because you believe you may have finally found “the One”, your faith has been renewed it seems. And you seem to think your experience should renew mine without even asking or caring what my experience has been. And… the straw was you asking me to ask my mother to pray for you. I know you know what you were doing. It’s bad enough my own mother disapproves of me, but it’s even worse to have that rift shoved in my face and used as some sort of weapon against me… or as some way to convince me I should repent and return to the flock. I’m a pariah, it seems. Well, so be it.

I don’t believe there’s a god, and I never will again. I will never try to convince you, and I thought the same respect for my beliefs would be returned. I was wrong. I’m not in your Christian bubble anymore. You’re there with my mother and everyone I loved in a past life. You’ve shown me there’s no bridge. It’s just me out here, and all of you in there… pitying me, rolling your eyes at me, and not remotely concerned about who I really am.

I don’t want to be your confessional anymore. It may make you feel better to reveal all your so-called “sins” to someone who truly does not judge you, but you’ll have to test the truth out on those pious people who call themselves Christ-followers. But you won’t. They claim to be full of love, acceptance, and non-judgement, but we both know it’s a lie. I don’t want to be used anymore though. Our one-sided relationship has to end.

I hope you faith makes you happy. I hope this new guy, or whomever, makes you happy. I hope your strained relationship with your sister finally heals. I hope you’re successful and become totally fulfilled. I want the best for you, truly. Let’s just go our separate ways and think about the good memories we shared.

Views: 354

Tags: childhood, friends, pariah

Comment by Heather Spoonheim on March 31, 2014 at 12:58am

A few years ago I had a 30 year friendship fall apart - seemingly in one conversation.  Our views had just diverged so much over the years and I guess we both tossed out a hand full of straws in that last exchange.

It's taken me the past few years to lose the habit of dashing off e-mails of daily humourous anecdotes, dialing the phone when I need advice, and asking myself what my best friend would think of the decision I'm currently making.  It's sure not easy to lose a friendship that old - and that's the oldest friendship I had left; next one is going on 8 years.

Anyway, I can understand why you are hesitant to send that letter.


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