If you're heterosexual, you can't begin to appreciate how difficult it is being gay in a mostly straight world. You're surrounded by potential mates, and can afford to be choosy. I don't have that privilege. Even when I meet other lesbians, 99% of them are already with someone else, and if they break up with that person, they're with someone else in a few weeks' time. Meanwhile, I have been single for three years. I guess I could be more outgoing and more involved, but as an introvert, I have a limited amount of energy for socialization.

I admit I don't know how to play the game, either, but I don't really want to learn. I want to meet someone else who doesn't play. I just want a straightforward relationship, a practical one. I don't want someone else to "complete me," because I believe that is an unhealthy way to think about relationships. I really don't want monogamy, but I will agree to it if that's what someone I care about or am interested in needs. I won't cheat once I agree to monogamy, either. If nothing else, I am loyal and trustworthy.

I want a family, and I don't intend to wait for my "true love" to come along before I start one. I know it's going to be difficult taking care of children on my own, but I want to set an example for my children that being independent and whole is entirely possible. I think we are too desperate for love in our culture, everyone, including me. We buy into the idea that you should only have sex with someone you love, and this makes us want love desperately so we can fulfill our sexual needs. We are told that we are incomplete without love, that it is what is missing in our lives, that love can fill the emptiness inside of us. In reality, that longing we have never goes away, because it's not supposed to. It's part of the system. "The system wants us sick and unsatisfied so we will mindlessly consume their products and call that living." - Passing Strange

Don't get me wrong, being single isn't all bad. I have enjoyed casual sex with a friend, which I would have to turn down if I was in a relationship. Granted, she was an awful kisser and not incredibly attractive, but I certainly don't regret having the experience, and it knocks a three way off my "to-do" list (it was a tag team with me, her, and her wife). Also, she proceeded to sabotage the majority of my friendships afterwards, but hey, I don't need friends. I have been without them most of my life. I miss them, no doubt, but whatever. I have other, more attractive friends I can hang out with instead.

I just miss being able to love a woman. I feel like I was born to do it. I was a model girlfriend, making sure to say "I love you" each day, and write things for the one I loved, and make her things. I paid attention to all the things she loved and tried to love them, too. Maybe I was too intense, I admit, but that's just kind of who I am, I'm an intense and passionate woman. I can't really help that. I wouldn't say that I was imbalanced or anything. Can anyone keep up with me when my love for them is in full swing? I don't know.

The type of girl I normally go for is the type that sits in the corner alone, silently, instead of being part of the party. Those girls are more interesting to me than others. I want to make them comfortable and coax them out of their shells. That's how I met my ex. We were at a dance party for LGBT youth and she showed up with a friend and wasn't dancing. We blew bubbles and played with balloons and I got her to dance. Her friend contacted me on her behalf, and we just kind of hit it off. The pressure was off of me because I knew from the start she had a crush on me. I didn't have to worry about being rejected.

The problem with liking this kind of girl is that they're sitting quietly alone for a reason, and usually that reason is that they have problems, and these problems will almost inevitably lead to relationship failure. I should go for the well-adjusted women that are the life of the party. I should go for accomplished women who are making a difference in the world. Women who know who they are and what they want from life. But I suspect I feel like these women will think they are too good for me, and will turn me down. Plus, I don't know how to relate to well-adjusted people. I've always related to people through the common experiences of being outcasts and being hurt by others. I relate to the pain that people feel in their lives. How do you connect to someone that either has not had those experiences or does not identify with them? I just don't know.

On top of everything else, I am an atheist, and I want to be with someone with an IQ high enough to be a skeptic, too. I want to be with someone that I can be myself around, and not have to worry about offending with my (lack of) beliefs. I'm in the Bible belt, which makes finding other lesbians more difficult since most are in the closet, but it also makes finding nonbelievers more difficult. What should I do? Move? My whole family is here. I've been here all my life. I would be a totally vulnerable n00b off in the city by my lonesome. It wouldn't be a good situation to put myself in.

Views: 376

Comment by Lance Angus Miles on April 28, 2013 at 7:07am

well Nina, first im very glad i could help. you'll notice that the vast majority of those who are non-religious are far more accepting of people who are of different races, cultures, nationalities and sexual preferences, this is because we dont have any religious prejudices with which to hate upon them. if you look at the way religious people act towards people who do not share their same beliefs or opinions, i think "Love thy neighbor" actually seems to mean "Love thy neighbor, unless they are atheist, or of another religion, or gay, or use condoms, or support womens rights"

you will (or should) find no such discrimination here. to me we are all humans, and all (or at least most) of us are trying to acheive the same goal, the continuation of our species, even if some of us arent even conciously aware that they are trying to achieve it.

i must say that im truly happy for you to have found love. unlike prejudiced religious creationists, i support love in ALL of its forms.

Comment by Lance Angus Miles on April 28, 2013 at 7:44am

whats even more funny is that America is supposed to be a secular country, in their constitution it states quite clearly in the first amendment that the government will remain seperate from any religion. "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof ...." and yet it says "one nation under God" in the pledge of allegiance, just abit biased there. they preach equality, yet 80-90% of americans are Christians.

Comment by Unseen on April 28, 2013 at 9:59am

Even when I meet other lesbians, 99% of them are already with someone else, and if they break up with that person, they're with someone else in a few weeks' time.

There's something I don't think is a lesbian thing, but more a female thing, that females really feel something essential is missing if they aren't paired up at all times. Males, on the other hand, can go for extended periods of time without feeling this way. I'm sure there are exceptions; I'm just making a general observation that I rarely meet women who aren't in a relationship or trying to find one. 

So, like I said, it's a GENERAL observation, so if you're not that way, that's not terribly interesting. Plus, I suppose one would likely find more independent women in a forum such as this.

Comment by Lance Angus Miles on April 28, 2013 at 10:03am

what shes pointing out is that at least in her general area (the suburbs in which she lives or goes to pubs, clubs, bars to meet people) the lesbians there just have an easier time finding someone to have a relationship with or at least a temporary hookup with than what she does, as she highlighted before, she is not a player, she does not know how to play the dating game, and so she struggles, and finding another person like that is difficult because to most people they are hard to notice because they are rarely ever the kind of person that can command or attract other peoples attention.

Comment by Melvinotis on April 28, 2013 at 2:52pm

Some math I did when I was single made me realize I had to change how I looked at finding a suitable mate:

7,000,000 people on the planet (give or take)

3,500,000 women

700,000 of an age range I was looking for

140,000 not overly religious (about 20% of above)

1,400 of above not currently in a relationship (about 10%) worldwide

140 geographically accessible to me and probably speak my language, but spread throughout all of the US and parts of Europe.

2.8 of them live in my geographical region

chances of me meeting them in any particular year long stretch at least 1/1200 chances per year. (assuming I interact with 100 people a month --at the bank, grocery store, at work, etc.)

Therefore I had a .0023333--- per year chance of naturally meeting someone who fit me, not counting the possibility of them liking me and me liking them at the same time.

Your numbers are similarly minuscule, so your only chance is to change the numbers. I always recommend to my single friends to go out and just do things they like to do that might include others. Whether it be photography, or bull riding, or stamp collecting, anything you do that increases your chances of interaction will dramatically increase the infinitesimal chances of you finding someone who fits you.

Comment by kris feenstra on April 28, 2013 at 3:04pm

"What should I do? Move?"

It's worth a shot. It obviously cannot cure all of your relationship woes, but there are places in the United States and further abroad where the vast majority would not bat an eye at either your atheism or your sexual orientation. It is also my suspicion that cities which are more open to different sexualities make it easier for people to be out and open without having to be a part of 'the scene'. I have nothing against that aspect of queer culture, but it's not for everyone.

It can feel unnerving and isolating for some to leave home, but it can also be liberating. You are largely freed from expectations and prejudices of the past when you move to a place where no one knows you. If it doesn't work out, move home.

Granted, employment and finances are a complicating factor for most people these days, but if that's not the case, what do you have to lose?

Comment by _Robert_ on April 28, 2013 at 3:16pm

@Melvinotis, 7B not 7M, so 2.8K in your region, not so bad really

Comment by Melvinotis on April 28, 2013 at 5:02pm

You are right, When I started doing the real math though, which included those that might like me and I might like them, it was still slim pickings.

Comment by Pope Beanie on April 28, 2013 at 5:48pm

Kids will change your life, too. Fatherhood made me "grow up" a lot faster, because of both the new responsibilities and the new social interactions that were required. Fortunately (I'm pretty sure), living in a liberal environment made life easier for my whole family. I'm not recommending that you move, but I'm just saying that one's community's "family values" can affect how a family has to "cope" with life, especially when growing up.

Comment by Pope Beanie on April 28, 2013 at 5:57pm

I should add that I met my spouse through a friend, as many people do. Doing more things with more people raises the probability of productive connections--all kinds of connections. (I.e. it helps to get out more, but err towards being picky! Sometimes, that's a lot like hard work.)

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