The Valley of Dry Bones
Ezekiel 18:1 to 48:35
18:1 Repent for your sins and God will have mercy. It's not your father's fault you’re being punished. God judges you individually. Sin, sin, sin, tsk tsk tsk, your sins have been many. The people of Tyre are a bunch of sinners and the Babylonians will beat their asses and punish them plenty. The Egyptians will also be punished by the Babylonians for being a bunch of sinners. The Babylonians kick ass. You knew that.
Yo mama, no doubt she's a lion,
She raises her whelps to be tryin'
To run like the wind
And devour the men
That run off to Babylon cryin'
God rambled on for quite a spell about lion whelps so I wrote a nifty poem about it. God also went on about the Jewish elders not taking my advice, which they should. Hey they are the ones who came to me asking for advice in the first place. Their loss.
23:1 God told me about a couple of sisters who moved to Egypt and they let lots of different men play with their tits. Men played with their tits pretty hard, leaving bruises sometimes. The sisters seem to actually like it kind of rough. They have daughters who like to whore around too, and run around half naked showing off their tits to the soldiers and other boys. The whole family is a bunch of slutty whores basically and God wants them rounded up and stabbed to death with swords right away. Then maybe the women around here will get the hint and not be such sluts who are so cavalier about who plays with their bare naked titties.
God continued to tell me strange stories, usually with some morals about being more conservative or else risking his horrible punishments. Then my wife died but God told me not to cry. Next God gave me a long series of prophecies about the demise of each one of Israel’s traditional enemies.
33:1 News came this way one day that the city of Jerusalem is officially toast, as in having been smashed, flattened flatter than Moses bread.
The Jews are in trouble and are being punished mostly because of poor leadership. Someday they will have great leadership like King David. Now there was a leader. Then there will be showers of blessings on the Jews. Meanwhile, with the Jews in captivity the Edomites thought they could sneak in and take our land. God hates that and they will be punished. They will all be punished. Someday we will return to an ideal Israel and live happily ever after, not for our sake but to make God look good. It’s all about making God look good.
37:1 The Lord carried me out to a valley full of dry bones. He had me preach to dem bones and suddenly there was a loud rattling sound as all the bones rose up and connected themselves together. It was a pretty weird day even for me. Flesh formed on the bones and they became a great army of Israelite zombie soldiers. The Lord had me preach to the wind and it blew over the valley and the zombie troops suddenly came back to life. God told me he would soon bring all the dead Israelites back to life and they would all be happy back in the old country with zombie King David back on the throne again. At that time God will make a peace treaty with us and come down and live with us. That will teach all these damn foreigners to mess with the Jews. Hahahaha.
38:1 The Lord told me to badmouth old Gog of Magog. Our enemies like Gog of Magog will be taught a lesson someday when God makes a worldwide earthquake and rains down fire and lava and giant hot hail. Then they will know who God is. Holy crap they will be sorry.
40:1 God carried my spirit to Jerusalem where we measured for the rebuilding of the temple someday. We also discussed a new division of territory between the tribes. I’ve got it all written down. I’ve got everything written down. I just need to organize my notes. You wouldn't believe how many notes I have. Give me a moment. It’s been one hell of a weird day - again. I need to write this down.
Next: But it's a Dry Heat
The Bible According to Brad