Praying for a Mourning Mama Is Like Pissing in the Wind

My twin sister lost her baby; Friday night: she suffered a late term miscarriage.  I received the gut wrenching, 'something is wrong, I'm hurting" call at about 3:30 a.m. and so I met her at the hospital, where they were expecting her (as I'd called ahead). She was admitted, hooked up to a monitor, and (big sigh of relief) there was a heartbeat. We enjoyed approximately 20 minutes of blissful peace of mind before, lo and behold, her water broke. Ultimately, there IS no recourse after this. Labor is imminent.

So.. that 20 minutes (whereupon several nurses even uttered 'praise jesus' or some other version of 'god is good') was an unnecessarily cruel preamble to the most hellish 3 1/2 hours of my sister's life: we sat in darkness- listening to the '' of her baby's heart monitor; until it fell silent and the baby was gone. On, now, to the finale: another 30 hours of dark and silence, in a pretty bed, within a pretty room of a pretty labor and delivery wing, waiting to deliver her now stillborn baby.

No one was given the news until after she was discharged and back home to avoid the deluge of passive aggressive praymongers. But, as of this moment -and right on cue, I've heard 'I'll pray for you" 22 times.. "the lord works in ways we don't understand" twice and "god never gives us more than we can handle" 7 times. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS??? If you could see the emptiness in her eyes.. this WAS more than she could handle.. No god would do such a thing.

Before her pregnancy, she was shooting dope every day.. heading towards an early grave. The past 19 weeks have been the absolute most beautiful, happy days.. she wore pregnancy well.. cleaned up her act.. resurfaced from the abyss she'd fallen into.. I GOT MY SISTER BACK.. my mother got her daughter back.. and so on and so forth.. then she loses the baby.. and has to endure the worst possible case scenario in doing so.  If there were a god, and he felt inclined to do this? Fuck said god.

My mother in law even told me, via text, a moment ago: "Melissa, I know you've never been a believer, but I believe you will be.. He WILL touch your life. Don't let this be a road block to your path to God" My reply, "Gram, god touched the fuck out of my life this weekend.. how can you worship (let alone believe in the existence of) a god so cruel and merciless?" Her reply: 'don't be mad at god'. My reply: phone off.......

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Comment by SteveInCO on October 8, 2012 at 10:42am

God clearly did not give the baby more than it could handle, either.  /sarcasm.

Of course god does not exist, and it is a good thing because such a god would have to be a monster.  Too bad the same cannot be said for shithead followers of said god, who are determined to either justify, excuse, explain away, or emulate the monstrousness.

I can only hope your sister doesn't take up drugs again.

Comment by Melissa Mays on October 8, 2012 at 2:50pm

..thank you, steve. for your kind words and for referring to followers of 'said god' as shitheads. I love reading the word 'shithead'. It makes me happy.

Comment by Simon Paynton on October 8, 2012 at 3:12pm

I don't mean this to sound glib, at all, but the answer has to be healing, now and forever. For your sister, and you, and anyone who's got their head on straight.


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