Hurt feelings.

I just joined TA today after having been 'lurking' for months... so, "Hello!"

I am currently attending an intensive outpatient therapy group that meets every day. I'm dealing with some unresolved, and until very recently, unremembered incidents from my childhood. "Graduating" tomorrow, tyvm!

There are many different types of people in this group, dealing with some pretty serious issues. Even though I'm there as part of the group, folks usually gravitate to me for reassurance and just because I make them feel safe and understood. A woman who started on the same day as I did, came up to me today at break and thanked me profusely for helping her through some things. She thanked me for being so kind, caring, genuine, honest, etc., etc. It was really very humbling. I hugged her and told her that I was happy to have been able to help, blah, yadda... She then said, "You are the most loving Christian I have ever met. Where do you go to church?" I told her I am not a Christian and I do not go to church. She asked, "Well, what religion are you?" I said, "I'm an atheist." She recoiled as if I'd slapped her. Had a mortified look on her face and actually turned and almost ran away from me.

After the break, she sat as far away from me as she physically could and kept staring at me like she was expecting me to whip out a machete and kill everybody in the place. She was so bothered by this that she talked to one of the therapists. I'm assuming it was about me because she kept staring and looking very distressed while she was talking. I honestly think she saw me as dangerous...

I know I shouldn't let this bother me, but it does. Isn't it 'enough' that I am in that group for the same immense pain that everyone else is there for? Isn't it 'enough' that I have never been anything but genuine, kind, caring, compassionate, and loving toward everyone there? Isn't it enough that I have sat through, literally, hours worth of faith-based 'testimonies' about how their god helped them through this or that? Never asking the question, "Well, where was your god when all this crap was happening to you?!" ... and I wanted to. But I respect people and their beliefs - always have.

Am I not allowed to appreciate things without putting a "God dun it!" label on everything? During the break, I was outside because there was a brief lull in the rain we've been having here for the past few days. One of the bushes had dozens of teal and silver colored snails in it. I was fascinated! I respected the random "God is amazing to make this" type comments. Why isn't it enough that I enjoyed them for what they are?

Ugh. Yeah, I shouldn't be upset about what happened. But I am. :-(

3 members like this

Comment by Unseen on March 17, 2012 at 12:05am: You're right. It shouldn't bother you. That it does indicates you have some work to do. She has her problems and will someday realize that, or maybe she won't. You concentrate on yourself. You have no responsibility for her feelings or attitudes.

Comment by javier on March 17, 2012 at 12:49am: Some people just don't think for themselves. It's sad that these people harass and trample with their half cooked ideas and yet still be able to be so confident that heaven is somehow their destination.

Comment by Michael on March 17, 2012 at 9:27am: " But I respect people and their beliefs - always have."

I felt the same way for most of my life but lately I have been thinking that maybe I shouldn't. Not everyone's beliefs should be treated as equally valid and deserving of respect. Irrational beliefs should not be tiptoed around. Just look at the way she responded and behaved when she learned of your position.

Comment by C Elaine Clark on March 17, 2012 at 10:47am: I like the way you put that Michael

Comment by SteveInCO on March 17, 2012 at 1:20pm: Sam Harris makes compelling arguments in End Of Faith that in fact many ideas do not deserve "respect" and in fact are downright dangerous to bystanders.

Comment by Tim on March 18, 2012 at 2:37am: Melissa, I can sympathize with your situation. I've been divorced for several years. Every once in a while I step back into the dating arena to see what's going on. I'm a "Nice Guy" (really). I don't smoke, drink, drug, or swear. I don't yell at people in traffic. I'm a responsible full time single parent, I have a professional job. Usually by end of the first date or certainly by the end of the second date a lady will ask, "What religion are you?" Regardless of how well the date went or how well we got along, if I tell her that I'm an atheist, I get the same reaction that you mentioned. The lady gets a look of utter disbelief on her face and the date is immediately over. After that, there are no more replies to emails, no answers to phone calls, and all contact is broken off.

One lady asked, "How can you NOT BELIEVE in God?" I made the mistake of asking, "How can you BELIEVE in God?" At the time we were walking in a park. After the walk, she wouldn't even get in my car for a ride back to her house. She actually called a friend to drive her home?!?!?

Maybe next time, I should leave my machete at home.

Comment by Arcturus on March 18, 2012 at 6:53am: Yes, I agree that like Sam Harris and many of the other greats point out, even though religion evolved as way to try to cope with life and it's then 'unknowingness', now that we have more information, unfortunately it's going to be up to us to help them attempt to question what they believe, partially by being willing to try not to take offense when they freak out so that we can be a voice for reason. It's hard because we're all in the era of experiences like Melissa's or Tim's or mine (afraid to tell my son for fear he won't let me see my grandsons which SUCKS because I am so close to my kids in many ways). And then I do a happy happy happy dance that I'm no longer a fundie--that my worldview is rational and free of the terror of hell. My desktop picture right now is the picture on Sam Harris' blog--the guy with the umbrella walking away from the open birdcage. "Here, here!" to being alive during a time when freethinking is an option! And here's to mediums like this where we can talk to each other!

Comment by SteveInCO on March 18, 2012 at 11:51am: Laurel

I know someone else who was in the exact position you are... but her son did find out and sure enough that is exactly what happened.

You might want to change your user name, as it's possible he will google you someday and find it here.

Atheistophobia is alive and well, not just in the "Bible Belt" but elsewhere as well; even in relatively non-relgious parts of the United States few of the unchurched will actually use the big A word to describe themselves, even when not in the presence of the churched.

Comment by Reg The Fronkey Farmer on March 19, 2012 at 8:54pm: Here is a link to a previous post and a good word for the "fear" of Atheism.

Comment by Karen Loethen on March 20, 2012 at 11:56pm: Melissa,

YES, it is enough that you are a kind, compassionate, caring human being! I honestly wish she could be a kind, compassionate, caring human being too, but she lives in fear. It's tough being in her shoes. I feel some compassion for her...her world will be confusing for her. You are already confusing her what with being a loving atheist and all!

FAR better, though, to live in reality!

I, for one, am proud of you for this difficult journey you are on. Your atheism will free the way for you as you won't have to deal with the dogma as well. (How could God have allowed this to happen, etc.) There are other atheists there, believe me! Wear a small humanist pin or something and they will find you!

One day, Melissa, you will be stronger and saner and, then, see how people will be attracted to your goodness! I see good things in your future.

Peace, Karen

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