Comment by archaeopteryx on January 26, 2012 at 8:51am

Vrinelly,

I was very moved by what you said (above), and that's when it dawned on me - have you ever considered taking each of those aside (friends, family) whom you care about, and telling them exactly what you told us. It was honest, sincere and heartfelt. You only want to be accepted for who you are, not what you believe, and surely, SOME of those you care about must be able to understand that, if you really sit down and explain it to them.

I say take them aside, because if there's a third party, your friend or loved one may feel he/she has to prove something to the other person by taking a harder stand. Don't try to convert or convince regarding your beliefs - they're as entitled to theirs as you are to yours - but just explain to them what you've so well expressed to us, that you just want to be accepted for yourself, not your belief system, and make a mutual agreement that religious discussion is off the table, which should avoid future potential for disagreements.

Ask them this - except for church, think of all of the places we used to go and all of the things we used to do, and tell me how these would be less fun now, because of what I believe?

My guess would be that at least a few of them have had some doubts of their own, which they were afraid to admit for fear of being treated as you have been - given the right approach, at least some of these will understand.

pax vobiscum,
archaeopteryx
www.in-His-own-image.com

Comment by Robert Karp on January 26, 2012 at 9:07am

I agree with what the archaeopteryx said. We all have friends who are theists and although we don't agree with their beliefs, or even respect their beliefs, we still can accept and love the person.

In terms of you "going back to god". I think you will find it will not be easy, or comforting or helpful. I think you will feel you are living a lie, a lie to yourself.

These are hard times Vrienelly but also great times. This is a watershed moment in your life. You are free. What you have done has taken and does take great courage, but you should also feel incredibly empowered and proud of yourself. This community will support you. Small steps. Take time to breathe and know you are not alone.

Comment by Brian Back on January 26, 2012 at 10:50am

We just came out from a situation we thought it was best to "lay low" in.  We didn't want to offend people or hurt feelings, family and otherwise.  In the end we were forced out of the closet.  I think it's best to just stand up and be counted, Christianity would be different if all the unbelievers across history stood up and said "bullshit".

Comment by Demian Weigle on January 26, 2012 at 2:30pm

I'm thoughtful and quiescent after reading your post and the answer here.  Your post, I believe, has opened up a lot of memories for all of us.  You are definitely not alone. 

The only story I will add is that my wife is also a freethinker, one I met 9 years ago on Match.com.  I had listed 'Atheist' on my online profile.  My future wife was the only woman who answered my letter and the only one who thought being an atheist was for the  'plus'  column and not the  'negative'  column.  Being true to myself has always helped me.  Those who have a similar 'freethinker' opinionset to yours, those who value diversity and respect opinions, those will be your friends. 

The religion meme runs deep in our dna and when our logic trumps belief - we lose the safety and community of religion and church.  I don't go out of my way to offend believers, but, I have been known to.  I find often that they bring it on themselves.  For those of us who don't believe to believe, it is up to ourselves to find our new way. 

Comment by UnTarded on January 26, 2012 at 3:21pm

Not to be an asshole, but....ok I'm an asshole. Sometimes you just have to put s chip on your shoulder. Take shit from no one.

Comment by Dale Headley on January 26, 2012 at 4:50pm

     First of all, it seems to me that if you are even contemplating accepting a religious paradigm in order to make your social life run smoother, you are not a true atheist.  A genuine atheist is not so by choice; he/she is born that way - with a rational mind instead of a credulous one.  In other words we atheists don’t CHOOSE not to believe in gods; we CAN’T believe in them.  In my case, however, I am also an antitheist; THAT is a choice!

    I’m an antitheist, but I don’t initiate confrontations with anyone over it, partly because I really don’t have any interest in what others believe, so long as they keep it to themselves; and partly because I don’t want to be as pushy as the Jehovah’s Witnesses and Mormons who come to my front door on a Saturday morning, uninvited.  That being said, I am thrilled when they show up, because I then feel free to bombard them with such a barrage of science and reason that they always leave, an hour or two later, totally deflated, since much of what I lay on them they’ve never heard before, and for which they have no cogent arguments.  Anyone who ventures to convert me does so at his/her intellectual and philosophical peril.

    I may have an advantage over you in that I have never been as concerned about the opinion others hold of me as I am about my own self respect.  When I was a kid, I was considered a “nonconformist.”  As a teen, ALL my friends drank.  They relentlessly teased me over it, but it just rolled off my back.  Deep down, I knew they respected me for it.  As an adult, I am regarded by some as a “loner.”  But I think the moniker from my childhood is more appropriate.  A Mormon friend once asked me if I wasn’t impressed by the fact that so many millions of people believed in God.  I told him that if EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE WORLD, except me, believed in God it would have no effect on me.  I would just assume that every single person in the world, except me, was stupid.

    I hope you respect yourself enough to stick with what the evidence and your rational mind tell you, rather than surrender and appease the ignorant in order to gain their acceptance.  Some will respect your opinion, and some will not.  It’s up to you to decide which most deserve to be your friends.

    As to “I’m afraid to tell anyone I’m an atheist...,”  You shouldn’t be, because, trust me, THEY are the ones who are afraid.  They are so afraid of death that they will believe ANYTHING that assuages that fear.  And they are so afraid of reason taking away their comforting illusions that they reject it - and maybe you, sadly.  Stand tall!   

Comment by Rocky Oliver (LotusGeek) on January 26, 2012 at 6:15pm

Hey Vinelly,

I want to respond to your latest response, and the things you mention in it. I think the easiest way is to break your response down, and respond to each point in context. Here we go...

thanks to all! it really helps a lot to know that im the only one and most importantly that it gets better :) thank you for all the support :) 

You're welcome, you're welcomeverymuch ;) And you're right - I think the most consistent thing you should take away from all of this is that it WILL get better. Promise.

i guess it would be better to "lay low" in this situation like some of you said...

I would never say that, and I want to restate I think it's a wrong move - you're only putting off the inevitable. You can't put the genie back into the bottle - you've already gone public with those closest to you, and if you don't stand firm - not be confrontational, of course - in your freethought they will think it was a "phase", and you're coming around. And FSM forbid you tell them you've changed your mind - that will make you appear flighty and indecisive, and they will never respect your freethought if/when you re-emerge from the closet.

although i feel like im trapped in an impossible situation im optimistic about it

And you should be optimisitic. Once more, with feeling:

It will get better. We promise.

because even though its hard to keep it to myself at every moment, i also dont wish to offend anyone that believes...

I want to strongly suggest you continue to talk this out, because right now you feel like you're the problem. You're not. Those who would be "offended" by your atheism are being shallow and selfish - period. Additionally, why are they not sensitive and considerate of the fact that you might be "offended' when THEY talk about their religion!?!?

You must remember: You have every right to believe - or not believe - as you see fit. In fact, in this country you absolutely have that right guaranteed to you by the First Amendment - just as they do. You should respect their right to believe as they wish, and they must respect yours.

it might be hard at first but sometimes "being sincere is not to tell the "truth" but to never disagree with our own thoughts right?

OK, sorry, but this last bit confuses me. Let me put it this way: My mom always told me, "I'd rather hear the awful truth than a beautiful lie." - and I think this applies in many ways throughout our lives - including this one. If you want them to respect you and eventually realize they love you regardless of your (non)beliefs, then you must stick with the truth, now. Once again, you do not have to be confrontational - but stand your ground if you're being pressured to NOT be yourself.

thanks a lot :)

We're all here, in this discussion, because we've been there and we've been through this same exact thing - and we want to help you learn the lessons we learned, and maybe help you get through this more quickly and less arduously than many of us did. And I'm sure for most of us, this is a "pay it forward" kind of thing - so there's no need to thank us.

Comment by michael palmer on January 26, 2012 at 7:14pm

just to repeat those that say its easy to come out never had anything to lose an thay that say your not a true atheist are ignorant i feel i had say that becuase there are atheist that are as bad as the religulous acting like fundentalist saying this that and the other puting others down cuase your figuring out your situation and where you stand  but that clarify atheist just means not believing in god and thats it anything after thats its up in the air but most of us that are sane are agnostic which means 'you dont know" so a "agnostic" atheist is just a person who say "i dont know if there is a god or not but there is no evidence so support the existence of god so there for i dont believe" so i just wanted to put that out there

Comment by Vrinelly on January 26, 2012 at 10:26pm

i was just thinking about how easier it would all be if i was capable of "believing", but even before, when i did believed, i knew there was something strange about it all, i wanted to believe so bad! but i just couldnt. I tried and i tried but i never really was abble to buy anything i was told, even as a child i always asked questions that no one would answer... when i found the answers to my questions i realized i was, and still am, an atheist. thats why i wrote "maybe i could feel better and be accepted, but then i think, i wouldnt be me" because i DO respect myself enough to stand up for myself and for what i believe in, or in this case what i dont believe, thats why im in this "place" because im going to tell everyone that's close to me that im an atheist because that shouldn't change the way they feel about me, if something changed it would have to be how proud they should feel that they have someone strong enough in their family that is strong enough to go against everyone to defend whats on her mind, my mind ;) 

And i decided to do this thanks to you all :) so thank you again, and even though i know it wont be easy at first, as you guys told me, it will get better 

PS: im sorry if i dont explain myself correctly, but english is not my first language and sometimes words get mixed in my head :) 

Comment by Cara Coleen on January 26, 2012 at 10:48pm

Be careful who you tell, Vrinelly. Many people on this site live in the USA & don't realize where you live. I know it's not really safe to "come out" in Ecuador, so it may not be safe where you are. It's awesome you want to be true to yourself, but be sure you're safe!!!

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