i few weeks ago my boyfriend and i got engaged however we're probably not going to get married. hes a true atheist and that seems to be all that can fit into his life. he says marraige is fribulas. the lable of being a boyfriend or husband is stupid. im not a christian and getting married to him has nothnig to do with religion. hes cut off from feelings, emotion, affection, compassion. do atheists not feel these things? is it just something they have to act or pretend to make loved ones feel as though they care? when he asked me to marry him i was beyond excited. thought it would be wonderful to plan a wedding. he told me he honestly does not care what goes on. says if i want, hell just show up when its time. other then that im on my own. im not sure what to do. give him what he wants and be unhappy? he always gets what he wants but why should i sacrafice what i want. i love him endlessly. but how do you go without feeling?

Views: 741

Comment by redpepper on January 12, 2012 at 4:00pm

It isn't logical to make a major life decision and expect impressionable children to remain unaffected.  You see a problem already, so you can't now simply absolve yourself from the responsibility of setting examples for your kids.  You reap what you sow.

Comment by Samantha Kedzierski on January 12, 2012 at 4:04pm

how do i get out without damaging them?  its not like we fight or he treats me bad they see him as a strong willed achever who works hard treats them good

Comment by John Kelly on January 12, 2012 at 4:16pm

I am not a therapist, but I will reference some ideas that I have learned from what I have studied in college courses on these matters.

In such circumstances it is a horrible decision to marry such a person.  Even if he is the most wonderful guy on the planet, one can't justify marrying someone who ends up giving off the impression you have.  It will bring that person undue grief due to perceptions determining what someone sees as reality, this is now your reality even if you were for some reason wrong, how you see it is your reality.
Believing that you're better than others YES
Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness YES
Exaggerating your achievements or talents YES
Expecting constant praise and admiration YES

Not okay.  Expectation, and constant are the key words here.  And since he is so scornful, I might add that only inferior people would have such a need that they would expect something like that.  Well adjusted people desire regular praise and admiration, but they do not demand or expect it.  Only someone with an inferior-non normative mind would expect it let alone demand it.  He may feel superior, but if he demands constant praise, he has an inferior emotional regulation capacity since it gives him the impression that his needs are so great.  The only reason you act on a perceived need, is because your mind assigns it value.  His mind has failed to assign an accurate value level to that.  That makes it a cognitive failure on his part.
Believing that you're special and acting accordingly YES

Possible if he was not delusional.  Some people are of genius level and are special.  The issue is determining if he is one of them.  Highly unlikely however.
Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings YES

This is a sign of inferiority.  Cognitive underdevelopment is the term.  A well-adjusted individual is not like this.  The level of severity matters.  If he fails at times, that is not what this is talking about.  This is talking about not noticing them or recognizing them with such regularity that a clear problem is evident.  If he doesn't, and never developed the capability to do so, it is by default the opposite, underdevelopment of the mind.
Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans YES

Not always bad if he is of genius level iq.  Terrible if he is not.
Taking advantage of others YES

Not acceptable.  Sign of moral cognitive underdevelopment.  Just as intelligence develops, so does moral development mark brain development.  If he regularly takes advantage of others, he does not meet moral development levels and is an underdeveloped mind.  Reference Kohlberg on this one for more info.

Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior YES

Shameful.  And a poor choice for a partner.  How could you ever expect a happy life with someone who considers you inferior?
Being jealous of others NO

This is not something that would be readily apparent to someone other than licensed therapists
Believing that others are jealous of you YES

Possible.  Depends.
Trouble keeping healthy relationships YES

This is another warning sign. 
Setting unrealistic goals YES

Not terrible, but be careful of the goals set for you then.
Being easily hurt and rejected NO
Having a fragile self-esteem NO
Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional YES

How do you expect this person to assist with your emotional needs?  It doesn't matter how brilliant he is with other concepts.  Someone can have high development in certain areas of the brain, but w

Comment by John Kelly on January 12, 2012 at 4:19pm

but what you want is a person who has a completely developed brain.  If you ever saw the movie "rain man" you will know that the character had some uncanny mental abilities.  Those don't mean as much when there isn't complete development, because while the brain is being intelligent in some sense, it is being quite errant in another sense.
Okay some of that is a refutation of some of the ideas that a person matching that description might have presented.  Enough of the technical stuff.
As a person with feelings, you need someone to be there for you in times of crisis.  In your life you will need someone to hold you in times of fear, when you lose a father or mother, or experience a frightening medical issue.
You need emotional support when experiencing a difficult day, and you will want someone to have as a companion to enjoy stuff with.
You will need someone with whom you can negotiate with in order to avoid feeling dragged along.  If that does not occur, you will likely get depressed and feel as if you are living under tyranny.
You need someone who cares about you enough to make sure your needs are high on the priority lists.  You need someone who cares when you cry.

Comment by Kir Komrik on January 12, 2012 at 4:27pm

Hey Samantha,

Here is my two cents. If I matched my girlfriend up to NPD like you just did with your boyfriend, I'd go to some people I trust to be objective and who know this girlfriend. Then I'd ask them to do the same rating. A key factor in that list was:

Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings

which is the empathy aspect. That's the most destructived one of all. And if I got a fairly agreeable response I would get out of that relationship immediately. I would secretly plan it in advance and cut off all contact at the same time I disappeared. These people are destroyers of lives, trust me. Don't look back, get out.

On the other hand, I would be careful about jumping to that conclusion. That's why I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that unless I had some other person to help me make that decision. One of the things that NPD does is it makes the partner doubtful and unable to get clarity on the situation, even when it is all obvious.

I'd also look up anti-social personality disorder, which is a close cousin of NPD. If that matches its even worse. I hate to sound negative but I know something about this stuff and you don't want any of it. All of this is just how I see it and what I would do.

- kk

Comment by Kir Komrik on January 12, 2012 at 4:28pm


strong willed achever who works hard

yep - kk

Comment by Samantha Kedzierski on January 12, 2012 at 4:37pm

for john kelly, youre right. any time ive wanted to talk something out with him hes told me its called bitching. hed start laughing when i start to cry and i get angry. when ive cried hes told me to either go into another room or he wants to put his head phones in. he says my whining makes him love me less.

Comment by Samantha Kedzierski on January 12, 2012 at 4:38pm

he is anti social i already knew that.

Comment by Samantha Kedzierski on January 12, 2012 at 4:41pm

he is smart i give him that. he knows things that i had no idea about. hes passionate about atheisim and things like shtf. but if hes not working, hes sleeping, if hes not sleeping hes on yourtube. he gets mad saying i require all his attention. thats not the case at all. id like to be eknowlaged. sometimes it hurts to sleep next to him and he just either cant see it refuses to see it, doesnt care( like he always says) or is incappable of feeling or seeing this. how do you act this way to someone who would give you the world?

Comment by Gabriela Menicucci on January 12, 2012 at 4:43pm

Why do you want to marry him?


You need to be a member of Think Atheist to add comments!

Join Think Atheist

© 2018   Created by Rebel.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service