i few weeks ago my boyfriend and i got engaged however we're probably not going to get married. hes a true atheist and that seems to be all that can fit into his life. he says marraige is fribulas. the lable of being a boyfriend or husband is stupid. im not a christian and getting married to him has nothnig to do with religion. hes cut off from feelings, emotion, affection, compassion. do atheists not feel these things? is it just something they have to act or pretend to make loved ones feel as though they care? when he asked me to marry him i was beyond excited. thought it would be wonderful to plan a wedding. he told me he honestly does not care what goes on. says if i want, hell just show up when its time. other then that im on my own. im not sure what to do. give him what he wants and be unhappy? he always gets what he wants but why should i sacrafice what i want. i love him endlessly. but how do you go without feeling?

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Comment by Simon Paynton on January 17, 2012 at 6:40pm

ive came from a LOT of hardships and a terrible past. he didnt rescue me. however he in the begining gave me something no one else did. he let me be me.

That's lovely, but on its own it doesn't make him the right husband for you.  

instead of saving for a wedding, would the logical choice be, saving for an apartment for me and my boys?

Yes. 

Comment by Simon Paynton on January 17, 2012 at 6:57pm

Please look out for the abusive ones, the world's full of predatory psychopaths who need a woman to be able to function in life.  The "charming" ones are often the worst, that's how they get in.  Then they throw away the key. 

Comment by Simon Paynton on January 18, 2012 at 2:14pm

Sorry, I didn't mean to frighten the life out of you.  Hang in there, things will get better, because  1) you seem like such a lovely young lady, and  2) extremes of experience eventually bring extremes of wisdom, and even if you don't feel like one right now, one day you'll be a remarkable first-class gem, and you'll be in a position to take your pick of the best men.  Probably, part of that process may be learning to recognize what a good man is.  It took me donkey's years, until I came upon some good role-models.  And there, most of my meagre knowledge runs out. 

Have you seen the film Sherry Baby?  I would recommend that you watch it, as there is an excellent role-model of a man there.  (the big Native American guy.)  Even us little weeds can be like him.  amazon.com link  Despite what the reviews might say, I don't think it's bleak. 

I am also a big fan of Peter Andre for the same reason.  In my opinion, he's the only decent male role model in the British media.  (oh, he's Australian / Greek... )  On amazon.com I could only find an autobiography, I don't know what it's like.  You might like to see what you can find on Youtube - the best thing is just to see him going around and doing his thing.  The women always go crazy for him and he always makes a point of giving a kiss and a hug to whoever wants one, and speaking to people's sick mum on the phone, etc.  You should see the state of them afterwards.  He was voted Daddy's Sauce "Daddy of the Year".  He's never been bitchy about his high-octane ex, Katy Price.  Loveable celebrity train-wreck Kerry Katona said he is an "ideal man".  I watch and learn.  My abs suck.  His records suck. 

Comment by KaraC on January 18, 2012 at 11:52pm

Samantha, just my 2c but I really don't think you should marry someone who is just "'willing' to get married to" you. You are worth more than that, I would think. Don't you need someone who actively wants to get married to you? It sounds like he may be using his atheism as a cover for being unemitional. I'm very emotional, and empathetic, and have a deep love for my partner, my children and my friends. And I'm an atheist. Contrary to what the fundamentalists tell you, we are not emotionless automata. I would seriously consider stepping back and deciding whether your fiance is right for you and will make you happy. Dan Savage would probably tell you to DTMFA.

Comment by Mo Trauen on March 27, 2012 at 10:24pm

Samantha,

If you really think he has even a mild case of NPD, then you need to do a search for advice to those married to people with NPD.  Generally, the person won't change and the question is whether or not you can deal with it. 

Comment by Kir Komrik on March 27, 2012 at 10:40pm

Hey Mo Trauen,

 

My own experience with NPD is that it will never work. People with NPD are truly impossible. And that is especially true if both partners have NPD.

 

- kk

Comment by Unseen on March 28, 2012 at 9:14am

Why not look for a partner who doesn't need to be fixed? The urge to fix someone or help someone in a love relationship just screams codependency. And no, codependency isn't limited to people with partners who abuse substances. It applies to people who want to establish a relationship where they are the caregiver/fixer.

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