i few weeks ago my boyfriend and i got engaged however we're probably not going to get married. hes a true atheist and that seems to be all that can fit into his life. he says marraige is fribulas. the lable of being a boyfriend or husband is stupid. im not a christian and getting married to him has nothnig to do with religion. hes cut off from feelings, emotion, affection, compassion. do atheists not feel these things? is it just something they have to act or pretend to make loved ones feel as though they care? when he asked me to marry him i was beyond excited. thought it would be wonderful to plan a wedding. he told me he honestly does not care what goes on. says if i want, hell just show up when its time. other then that im on my own. im not sure what to do. give him what he wants and be unhappy? he always gets what he wants but why should i sacrafice what i want. i love him endlessly. but how do you go without feeling?

Views: 796

Comment by Ed on January 12, 2012 at 7:38pm

Children are not the main concern when exchanging vows with someone. They will grow up and exit the home leaving you to figure out why your married to this person for possibly the rest of your life. 

If you don't receive the emotional nourishment that you rightly expect from a partner then you have to rethink your situation. Will he change? Big question. Probably not. I would lower your expectations regarding him and keep your options open as far as moving on and leaving this chapter of your life behind. Just don't wallow in unhappiness for years before you decide to go.

Comment by Simon Paynton on January 12, 2012 at 7:59pm


Gabriela, I think your comment is just wonderful.  Do you mind if I keep a copy? 

Comment by James on January 12, 2012 at 8:04pm

Having problems with emotion, affection and compassion certainly aren't 'atheist things'. Hell, I'm an atheist that surprised my wife with flowers and a poem of my penmanship at work today for her birthday. Additionally, I'm her greatest confidant with every issue imaginable. We got married, although it was a non-religious ceremony of our own design. I'll agree that if you're life partners, there is no need to be married to stay together long term. Some people prefer not to marry, but it isn't necessary if the shared feelings are there and are true. But we wanted to because we liked the idea of a ceremony to mark this newest and biggest chapter of our lives. If you are having issues with him not being affectionate as you'd like, it's not an atheist thing, but a personal thing. It's hard to examine from an outside perspective, but there are a few things that come to mind. How long have you been together? If you've been together a while, do you think he could have asked just because he feels it's expected? It's odd to me that he would ask you to marry him and then act so uninterested about the issue. It really concerns me that he is acting that way, especially in light of how excited you were when he asked. Then you consider that there are children involved as well, and things get more complicated. I think that you may need to audit your relationship. Figure out how he really feels about you, and you about him. Dependent on where that leads, you'll need to decide if he's the kind of person you want to spend your life with and raising your kids. If you really care, and you're not sure where he stands, then a heart-to-heart talk may be in order. From what you've said, I feel like he's not treating you properly. But the big question will be if his attitude is just him, a product of his true feelings, or because he's suffering from a syndrome of sorts. Best of luck, and I hope things work out regardless of what road you decide to take.


Comment by Dustin on January 12, 2012 at 9:03pm

he sounds like a dick...just being blunt.  That's all.  

If he hates weddings and such, then he should suck it up and be absolutely thrilled about it because you are.  He should do it and be overwhelmingly excited for it because you are.  

It really sounds like he has some serious issues if he proposes to you then acts like that, assuming what you are saying is entirely true.  

Comment by Gabriela Menicucci on January 12, 2012 at 9:36pm

Simon, thanks I'm glad you liked my comment and you are welcome to save it and share it :) Is my honest opinion about marriage.

Comment by Ron V on January 12, 2012 at 10:33pm

My vote - stay single - and expand your horizons

Comment by Suzanne Olson-Hyde on January 13, 2012 at 12:52am

Why do you love him?

I was married, three children, the whole thing was a disaster, divorced. Would not get married again - no point. If both sides will not do anything, within reason, for the partner, there is no point in being 'together', marriage or not. My new bloke, fervent Atheist etc. 90% on same page, the other 10% the innate differences between male and female.

He doesn't understand some of the 'girlie' stuff. He just goes along with it. I don't understand some of the blokey stuff, I just go along with it. We still lust after each other after 25 years together. We are each others best friend. I think choosing the 'right' partner is a lot of luck, whatever that is. I think this bloke is dodgy. Your children MUST come first. If you don't find the right one, so be it. That is still better than screwing up your kids with someone who is not totally on your side. Your children do not want misogyny as an example on how to live life. There are enough of those around already. As someone who has been there, done that, think seriously about what you are doing.

Listen to redpepper - why are you so friggng unhappy NOW, before you get 'married', before you bring him into the house with YOUR children. Your children deserve better.

What do you envisage in ten years time.

Comment by Rick on January 13, 2012 at 12:07pm

Please pardon the observation, but the relationship you have, as described by you seems terrible. It seems that you’re hooked on the idea that “all you need is love” yet when this is all you have, I get the sense that you’re incredibly frustrated and disappointed and are looking for more. I’m sure your boyfriend may be a wonderful person, but if he refuses to make any compromises and clearly is unable or unwilling to meet your relationship needs, why are you still with him or even considering deepening the commitment when you’ll be unhappy with the decision?

Comment by Unseen on January 13, 2012 at 3:30pm

I'm starting to wonder why you feel you want to marry someone who seems so unsuited to you. If you think things get better as time goes by, in general the opposite is the case. What irritates one early on tends to cause dread and rancor as time goes by. Advice from an old guy: find someone who is a better "fit" for your personality from the start: there will be a lot less to work out later on. And there WILL be things to work out later on. To me, it appears that in your relationship with him, he'll expect you to do any required adjusting. Is that what you are looking forward to?

Comment by Jared on January 13, 2012 at 4:29pm

Seems it's more of his Assholism then his Atheisim that's the problem. The guy sounds like he will suck the life out of you if you marry him.


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