i few weeks ago my boyfriend and i got engaged however we're probably not going to get married. hes a true atheist and that seems to be all that can fit into his life. he says marraige is fribulas. the lable of being a boyfriend or husband is stupid. im not a christian and getting married to him has nothnig to do with religion. hes cut off from feelings, emotion, affection, compassion. do atheists not feel these things? is it just something they have to act or pretend to make loved ones feel as though they care? when he asked me to marry him i was beyond excited. thought it would be wonderful to plan a wedding. he told me he honestly does not care what goes on. says if i want, hell just show up when its time. other then that im on my own. im not sure what to do. give him what he wants and be unhappy? he always gets what he wants but why should i sacrafice what i want. i love him endlessly. but how do you go without feeling?

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Comment by Samantha Kedzierski on January 12, 2012 at 4:47pm

i wanted to becuase he is a hard worker, he cares about my kids (who dont know what its like to have a father figure, my boyfriend is their first one) he seemed to care about me. this isnt an outta the blue thing its been a pregression. he was loveing to me, loyal (still is he wouldnt cheat) comes home every night. i fell inlove with the person i knew when we first met. but now since we live together, its like hes saying he doesnt have to put in any effort to see me. since im here when he gets home.

Comment by John Kelly on January 12, 2012 at 5:14pm

Samantha, I guess I am a bit confused because before you described him as unemotional, where as now it seems that he does care about your kids.  Could you explain that a little more so we can get a better idea of what you mean?  I want to make sure we get the best understanding of what he is like. 

Also, there is a difference between a sense of responsibility and caring.  What side of the spectrum do you see him falling on?

Comment by Samantha Kedzierski on January 12, 2012 at 5:17pm

i wish i could describe how he acts. like, its fake. kinda like looking into the eyes of an adorable puppy. most you see love, his you see nothing. he cares as in basic needs. food shelter clothing and doing the bare minimum on making sure they dont die.

Comment by Samantha Kedzierski on January 12, 2012 at 5:18pm

hecares about their safty but they dont share his DNA  they will never be "his kids". -what hes told me

Comment by Steve on January 12, 2012 at 5:22pm

A lack of empathy and social skills can also be a symptom of Asperger's syndrome and other mild forms of autism.

Think Sheldon from "The Big Bang Theory". Intellectually he often knows how other people act the way they do and he certainly knows how he is expected to act and react. But he doesn't feel it, so he just goes through the motions and fakes it

Comment by Samantha Kedzierski on January 12, 2012 at 5:34pm

that is really funny to me because i call him Sheldon all the time. He reminds me of him almost down to a T (hes not as smart. smart...but not like that)

Comment by Gabriela Menicucci on January 12, 2012 at 5:52pm

Samantha, not all relationships are meant to evolve into marriage. Some men are excellent just as boyfriends and nothing more. This is the same that happens when men only want us for hooking up, or as long term girlfriends, but not as wives. Have you ever seen how some guy had a girlriend for 5 years and never got hitched, and then got married after only 3 months of dating with another woman?. We women are not used to this point of view, we are used to men making the choice whether we are wifey material or not.This put us in the passenger sit in our life.

I don't doubt he is a father figure for your children but this doesn't equate as an excellent 5 stars husband for you. I know when one has kids, is important to get a partner with parenting skills, however  I would say MY wellbeing in a relationship shall always go first, as kids sense when their mother is an unhappy person and it drags them down, even if their new daddy buys them food and clothes.

Your reasons for marrying him are valid. But now that you two are living together you are starting to observe that he lacks hubby potential. And there's nothing wrong with that, at the end of the day marriage is the most important bussiness of your whole life, since a bad marriage can literally ruin your life.

I don't know what are his reasons for proposing, maybe since he is so "logical" he thinks this is the next "logical" step. When in fact marriage under those circumstances, where his individuality is his first priority, would be the most foolish thing. His sense of self would soon start to feel attacked and soon it would be like a torture for him.  He should know that he is getting himself into the ultimate prison, and that is marriage.

If he is doing it to make you feel loved, or because society, family or friends are suggesting him to do so, he will NEVER be content, not even close. Neither you nor your kids (who have nothing to do with this).

I wouldn't take him out of my life (I'm assuming there most be something possitive in him since you are even considering marriage), but I would make it clear that we are NOT the type of couple that is going to end up signing The Contract.

Is very empowering when one has the maturity to tell a man "Hey darling, I think you are awesome and I adore you, but you in your house and me in my house ok baby?". Getting married with someone who lacks Husband Quality thinking he will somehow learn how to be an outstanding husband is foolish.

He already showed you his true colors. And like I said you don't need to dump him, just re-define your relationship with him. You will see the relief in his face. Sometimes this even makes the man want to prove you he's got what it takes to be a good husband. Like a wake up call "hello! I want to be available to marry a better prospect!".. (Isn't that the kind of attitude he is showing anyways).

And that's not a crime because we live in the 21st century, and having a husband doesn't make us less valuable as human beings on the opposite it makes us independent women that KNOW what we want, and if you are not what I'm looking for: NEXT!.

Finally, if he turns out he is a Narcissistic then drop him cold. Why would you want to mix your DNA with someone like that. Aim for the best and only for the best. You are pretty, young, and seem to have good feelings, you don't deserve this guy ruin your life with his "logic and reason".

Comment by John Kelly on January 12, 2012 at 6:04pm

BTW Sheldon is not smart.  The writers make him appear smart, but he makes so many logical errors that it drives me crazy.  And don't marry the guy. There are plenty of guys who will marry you and love your kids.  Most stepdads do that.

If his love isn't genuine, your kids will suffer for it and you have to protect them from it, because they will figure that out.

Love lies sometimes.  It tells us that we need to stay with someone who is no good.  It is a chemical thing designed to make sure babies are taken care of.  It is a lot of fun and with the right person it is a blast, but it isn't trustworthy.  You have to follow your heart, but cautiously, using your mind to guide.  You can't let the heart lead, because the heart is too easily fooled.  Disney says trust your heart.  In real life, trusting your heart will keep you in an abusive relationship and get some women hospitalized.

A

Comment by John Kelly on January 12, 2012 at 6:05pm

*Wishes posts could be edited on blogs*.  I was writing something earlier and deleted it, but forgot to erase the A.

Comment by redpepper on January 12, 2012 at 6:58pm

First of all, atheism has nothing to do with your issue/post/questions. If your posts are honest and real, you need therapy and independence.  Google "mental abuse" and check out a few of those sites.  I'm sure there's a toll free number you can call to speak to someone right away.

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