Belle Rose's Blog (19)

A Rabbit Trail That Leads to Nowhere

Over the past 4 years I have gone through a lot. I've lost everything and rebuilt from nothing and attempted to reclaim both my life and my sanity.



I parted ways with my old way of life and embraced a new one. Completely. I lived in a completely new way foreign to anything I had everything experienced before. Every decision I made was based on my new found philosophy of life. Decisions were made based on 'facts' and 'logic.' Never emotions or feelings. I spent hours upon hours trying… Continue

Added by Belle Rose on November 27, 2016 at 7:36am — 85 Comments

Just in case

Just in case I don't make it, I want you to know I gave it everything I had....



If I didn't say it enough, I love you more than you will ever understand



If I do not make it, I hope something I did has impacted you forever



I hope you will miss me because you cared, without mourning too deeply



Just in case, please remember me with positivity. Remember my motivation to succeed, even though I never did.



Remember that I would have died for…

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Added by Belle Rose on September 11, 2016 at 5:30am — 10 Comments

Dealing with unexpected crazy success...is it me? Or is it luck?

I have recently experienced a level of success that I’m not used to. Somebody pinch me. It feels too good to be true. And my history and experiences with the world would tell me that if something feels too good to be true………..it probably is. And the rug is about to get pulled from under me any minute now….

I keep waiting for that day to happen. But it’s not happening. It’s starting to look more and more sure. Like I might actually be able to trust it. But I’m not convinced. Not…

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Added by Belle Rose on August 7, 2016 at 3:37pm — 4 Comments

Este lado de la linea - la bendecida

Es la diferencia entre esclavitud y libertad

Que se nace a un lado de la línea entre paraíso e infierno.

El color de su piel se rompe la bondad

Y te miran como si fuera de otro mundo

De la fe en que se nazca nadie te lo puede quitar

Y la lucha…

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Added by Belle Rose on February 29, 2016 at 11:54pm — 11 Comments

Thank you Reg the Fronkey Farmer!!!

It has been over 3 years since I first joined Think Atheist. Back then I was a submissive Christian wife hanging on for dear life.



Reg the Fronkey Farmer cared enough to take time out of his day and be my friend. I started to learn (slowly) that my faith in God was keeping me chained in a self-perpetuating prison. I did not feel free to think for myself apart from what I was trained to think that God would want me to do.



Letting go of my faith is what enabled me to… Continue

Added by Belle Rose on February 14, 2016 at 2:24am — 2 Comments

A strong pull...

Ever since I found my biological family and learned of my story, along with a combination of many other factors in my life, and things going on, I have felt a strong pull back towards the realm of some sort of higher presence. I do not like how it has been playing out in my life.



For example: I went to church with a friend last week with the intention of just getting out and being social and letting my son play with his little friend.



What ended up happening is that I… Continue

Added by Belle Rose on February 7, 2016 at 12:36pm — 11 Comments

My journey through another step of healing...with....woo

My best friend and I were victimized by her stepdad at 13/14 years old. We did not fully understand what happened to us until about 2 or 3 years ago....



She has been seeing a theta healer, and I have stuck with traditional therapy, but we are both ready to take a giant step. She is paying for me to have a session by myself, and then we are going to have a joint session together...to focus what we went through together...



I know it is woo. But even if it ends up "working"… Continue

Added by Belle Rose on December 22, 2015 at 3:00am — 16 Comments

Issues - A thought experiment

What sort of person comes to mind when you read this list:



Unhealthy relationships with men

Setting and keeping boundaries

Compulsive behavior

Poor impulse control

Diminished ‎self-worth

Abandonment issues

‎Helping others at the cost of self

Emotions of anger, sadness, and loss

Added by Belle Rose on October 21, 2015 at 6:49am — 11 Comments

Poverty Trap

I feel like I’ve fallen into the poverty trap and I don’t see a way out any time soon….

Here’s how the math works:

I’ve managed to find the cheapest possible place to live on the East side of the Seattle area, where a typical one bedroom one bedroom hole costs $1,400 per month. I found a lady who was originally going to rent her upstairs haven for a bed and breakfast couple on their honeymoon.....somehow she agreed to rent her place to me and my son. She originally wasn’t going…

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Added by Belle Rose on October 12, 2015 at 3:14am — 16 Comments

Omnia Mea Mecum Porto

All that is mine I carry with me

I am a minimalist. In every sense of the word, it is my philosophy on life. I've only recently found it, just as I've only recently found Atheism. Really when you think about it, I've only been an Atheist for just under 3 years, but prior to that I spent my entire young adult…

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Added by Belle Rose on October 6, 2015 at 3:22am — 4 Comments

A conversation I wasn't ready to have

So I went to pick up my 6 year old son from school today....

When I got into the gym, all of the kids were sitting in a circle as their "group time." My son usually is glad to see me and runs towards me regardless of the topic or what he is doing when I come to pick him up. Today he didn't. All of the kids had their hands raised and were eager to ask questions.

I sat down and listened to the discussion. The YMCA instructor called on my son, and the questions he asked was, "Did…

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Added by Belle Rose on September 12, 2015 at 1:49am — 18 Comments

For our future...

I'm in school right now, and one of the classes I'm taking is the philosophy of environmental ethics. I'm feeling like my views are quite extreme, because I am the only person in the class who is pretty vocal about the idea that a secular society is the way to a sustainable future (or one of the first steps towards it anyway…). But I suppose that’s open for debate.

Our impact on the environment is undisputed among reputable scientists for the most part…the consensus it that human…

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Added by Belle Rose on June 3, 2015 at 4:14am — 10 Comments

Acceptance

I'm really struggling lately...

First, I want you all to know that I'm the healthiest I've probably ever been emotionally speaking...but I am also still healing.

Lately I've felt really sad at how my religion affected my marriage. When I think back on things, I realize how my thinking at that time affected things.

It's made me honestly wonder whether my ex-husband would have been different if I hadn't been so....religious. 

I know that me and him are not…

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Added by Belle Rose on May 16, 2015 at 4:14am — 4 Comments

Dealing with the unexpected

It's inevitable that any adult will tell you, life can bring unexpected problems that just....knock the wind out of you.



I'm facing a moment like that.



It's when you suddenly realize that everything you thought would protect you - won't. When you find out that your plans didn't work. When one moment you were on top of the mountain, and now you're at the bottom of an avalanche.



So I'm taking my 5 minutes of self pity...and then I have no choice but to get up and… Continue

Added by Belle Rose on May 1, 2015 at 4:25pm — 11 Comments

Free at last

I do not remember when my parents explained to me that I had been adopted. I grew up always knowing that I was. I think when they first introduced the topic I was about my son’s age (5). Maybe sooner…There was never a doubt in anyone’s mind that someday I would search for my biological family.

I remember when I was a teenager, there was a stage at which every sing day I longed and wished to know my biological mother…well, both of my parents really, but especially my mother. I felts…

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Added by Belle Rose on April 15, 2015 at 1:00am — 3 Comments

Like a baby learning to walk...

I am like a baby learning to walk...today I took many steps. It is a proud and humbling moment for me. It is also bittersweet, and it brings tears to my eyes.



To understand why it is such a big deal, you must know the context from which I am coming from. To understand the context of my journey, you must consider what I had once known as "normal." You see, my reality was shaped by a very dysfunctional, abusive, unhealthy world view. I honestly had no idea how bad it was until today.… Continue

Added by Belle Rose on March 22, 2015 at 2:27am — 8 Comments

Fear - a thought observed

"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light."

~Plato~



Why have I operated for so long from a place of fear? I most certainly was not a fearful child.



One easy explanation could be that I was hurt so many times. Easy explanation, case closed.



....but I do not think that is all there is to it. Fear is said to be healthy in the right context. We do need fear to survive. But when we get… Continue

Added by Belle Rose on March 9, 2015 at 2:59am — 2 Comments

Out of the fog

"Wisdom begins in wonder" - Socrates



It is the moment that you wake up in the morning, and feel excited for the day. When no matter what happens, you just "go with the flow." You are no longer sick, or afraid. When you suddenly see clearly, and you realize that you will never be the same. No one can ever hurt you again, because only you decide when to let them in. The strength that you feel within accompanies a sorrow that will never go away. The sorrow that once held you down has… Continue

Added by Belle Rose on March 1, 2015 at 6:27pm — 6 Comments

Reflections of an Atheist Mother

My son's birthday is today. It makes me smile and cry at the same time. Watching him grow and change has been the biggest gift and privilege of my life. I remember exactly 3 years ago I sat at the very table that I am sitting at now, vigorously researching the best schools that I could possibly send him to when he started kindergarten. I was deeply torn between sending him to a Christian school, and sending him to a bilingual school...I reasoned that I could teach him about God at…

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Added by Belle Rose on August 4, 2014 at 3:30am — 3 Comments

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