The Curse

Malachi 1:1 to 4:4



1:1 The burden of being the chosen ones, as articulated by a guy named Malachi.



The Lord made something very clear. He said "I have loved you Jews thoroughly, and thoroughly hated just about everyone else." …

Vision of Zion

Zechariah 1:1 to 14:1



1:1 The words of the Lord suddenly appeared in the mind of Zechariah saying “The Lord is upset with your fathers. Don't be like your fathers.”



One night I saw a man riding on a red horse. Behind him were other riders also on red horses. That was pretty…

Zerubbabel and the Temple

Haggai 1:1 to 2:23



1:1 The word of the Lord as imagined by the prophet Haggai, chief bottle washer and overpaid yes-man to The Mighty Zerubbabel, Prince of Persia, in the province of Judah (rural delivery).



2:3 Some people are saying that it is…

Day of the Lord

Zephaniah 1:1 to 3:20



1:1 The word of the Lord which dawned on Zephaniah, who was the son of somebody, who was the son of somebody, who was the son of somebody.



God says he will come and utterly eat everything. A day is coming, a bad day, a real bad day. The Lord's…

Fear of God

Habakkuk 1:1 to 3:2



1:1 The burden of being Jewish from the point of view of Habakkuk.



Lord how long do I have to sit around balling my eyes out and you will not hear me crying? Even when there is massive violence you will not come save us. There is something…

The Vengeance of God

Nahum 1:1 to 3:1



1:1 The burden of Nineveh and all of the associated imaginings in the mind of a guy named Nahum.



God is jealous. God is revengeful. God is furious. So then, we've established that God is jealous, revengeful, and furious. He is slow to anger…

Wrath of God

Micah 1:1 to 6:2



1:1 The word of the Lord that just popped into Micah’s head one day.



It's going to get bad, real bad. God will be coming down to walk on the Earth and the dirt will melt under his feet like wax in a hot fire. He will totally destroy all of the land…

Jonah and the Whale

Jonah 1:1 to 4:1



1:1 Once upon a time there was a Jewish guy named Jonah. The Lord talked Jonah. He said "Jonah, go over there to that extremely distant city of Nineveh. Let the Ninnies know that I have noticed their wickedness, even from way over here. I’m not blind. And I'm not just watching and judging…

Cursing the Edomites

Obadiah 1:1 to 1:21



1:1 The point of view of Obadiah.



1:11 The Lord thinks this about the Edomites. They stood back and laughed while Jerusalem was destroyed. Truth be known, they even aided in the destruction. …

Judgment Day

Amos 1:1 to 9:11



1:1 These are some words blurted out one day by Amos.



That’s Mr. Amos to you.



The Lord says he has three or four damn good reasons for sending a nasty horrible fire to burn up all of the nations in the…

Valley of Jehoshaphat

Joel 1:1 to 3:2



1:1 OK, here it is, the word of the Lord that just happened to come to Joel one day. It just popped into his head. And the word is that the crops not eaten by worms are eaten by locusts and the crops not eaten by locusts are eaten by worms.



2:1…

Reaping the Whirlwind

Hosea 1:2 to 8:7



1:2 The Lord ordered Hosea to marry a prostitute because the Jews were doing whorish things. It seemed like a reasonable demand. So Hosea married a hooker named Gomer and she had children who were given long terrible names by God himself.



2:2…

The Lion’s Den

Daniel 4:4 to 12:13



4:4 King Neb dreamed again and this time he remembered what it was about. It was a tree. The tree was a giant beautiful tree that everyone loved. All the people and animals lived together in and under and around the tree. But then a scary messenger appeared from some vague alternate dimension and began…

The Fiery Furnace

Daniel 1:1 to 3:30



1:1 The Lord allowed King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon to conquer Judah and take the Jewish people captive. King Neb called his number one chief castrated slave and told him to pick some of the brighter Jews to come live in the palace and learn to speak the local language. One of them was Daniel. The…

The Valley of Dry Bones

Ezekiel 18:1 to 48:35



18:1 Repent for your sins and God will have mercy. It's not your father's fault you’re being punished. God judges you individually. Sin, sin, sin, tsk tsk tsk, your sins have been many. The people of Tyre are a bunch of sinners and the Babylonians will beat their asses and punish…

The Son of Man

Ezekiel 1:1 to 17:24



1:1 One day when I was with the captive Jews of Babylon, the heavens opened and I saw visions of God himself. I saw a huge stormy thingy with flashing lights and some weird multi-winged, multi-headed monsters. They were like part ox, part lion, part man, and part eagle. It was so scary. I…

Lamentations

Jeremiah 1:1 to 18:1



1:1 The sad miserable tidings of Jeremiah, into whose mouth many words were put by the Lord.



1:4 God knew me before I was even in my mother's belly. Before I was even a sperm. Then when I became a fetus he decided he wanted me to be a…

Prophesy of Doom

Isaiah 1:1 to 66:1



1:1 The hallucinations of Isaiah, the son of Amoz, which he saw concerning Judah and Jerusalem back in the days of Uzziah and a bunch of other kings.



1:2 Ok listen up. God says he has taken good care of you up until now but you are all a bunch…

The Preacher

Ecclesiastes 1:1 to 12:1



1:1 The words of the preacher, the son of King David in Jerusalem.



Everything is nothing, absolutely nothing. Everything is absolutely nothing. People live and people die but the Earth just keeps on keeping on. The sun rises and the sun sets.…

Hymns of the Lyre

Psalms 1:1 to 1:150



1. You would do well to follow the Lord's rules, otherwise you will suffer mightily I assure you.



2. The kings of Earth think they can gang up against the Lord but he is laughing. Bwahahaha he will smash them to pieces like a clay pot. I however,…