All Blog Posts Tagged 'mythology' (60)

The Bible According to Brad

Table of Contents

GENESIS

01:01   Adam & Eve   In the Big Inning

04:01   Cain & Abel   Don't bring God fruits…

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Added by Brad Snowder on August 19, 2014 at 11:49pm — 1 Comment

A Hero Story

There is a hero. Everyone loves him because he is charitable and people’s lives tend to flourish under his watchful eye. But there is a nemesis, a huge and hideous reptile, the largest ever seen, who rises slowly from beneath the Earth bringing death and darkness and fear in his wake. The hero goes down to meet the terrible creature and to do battle with him.…



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Added by Brad Snowder on April 20, 2013 at 10:38pm — No Comments

Lovers and Haters

How do I look? Too Jew? The Curse

Malachi 1:1 to 4:4



1:1 The burden of being the chosen ones, as articulated by a guy named Malachi.



The Lord made something very clear. He said "I have loved you Jews thoroughly, and thoroughly hated just about everyone else." …

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Added by Brad Snowder on April 14, 2013 at 2:04am — 1 Comment

Young Beer and Fresh Women

Extra Strong Vision of Zion

Zechariah 1:1 to 14:1



1:1 The words of the Lord suddenly appeared in the mind of Zechariah saying “The Lord is upset with your fathers. Don't be like your fathers.”



One night I saw a man riding on a red horse. Behind him were other riders also on red horses. That was pretty…

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Added by Brad Snowder on April 7, 2013 at 12:07am — No Comments

Permit Approved

A rich Jewish prince and merchant in Jerusalem at the beginning of the 1st century. - The original Ben Hur film (1907). Zerubbabel and the Temple

Haggai 1:1 to 2:23



1:1 The word of the Lord as imagined by the prophet Haggai, chief bottle washer and overpaid yes-man to The Mighty Zerubbabel, Prince of Persia, in the province of Judah (rural delivery).



2:3 Some people are saying that it is…

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Added by Brad Snowder on March 30, 2013 at 11:30pm — 1 Comment

Have a Nice Day

Less bark, more wag. Day of the Lord

Zephaniah 1:1 to 3:20



1:1 The word of the Lord which dawned on Zephaniah, who was the son of somebody, who was the son of somebody, who was the son of somebody.



God says he will come and utterly eat everything. A day is coming, a bad day, a real bad day. The Lord's…

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Added by Brad Snowder on March 24, 2013 at 1:39am — No Comments

Be Afraid

Fairy tales are more than true, not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten. ~ Neil Gaiman, Coraline Fear of God

Habakkuk 1:1 to 3:2



1:1 The burden of being Jewish from the point of view of Habakkuk.



Lord how long do I have to sit around balling my eyes out and you will not hear me crying? Even when there is massive violence you will not come save us. There is something…

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Added by Brad Snowder on March 17, 2013 at 2:35am — 1 Comment

A Day in the Sun

The Sun is a mass of fiery stone, a little larger than Greece. ~ Anaxagoras 434 BCE The Vengeance of God

Nahum 1:1 to 3:1



1:1 The burden of Nineveh and all of the associated imaginings in the mind of a guy named Nahum.



God is jealous. God is revengeful. God is furious. So then, we've established that God is jealous, revengeful, and furious. He is slow to anger…

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Added by Brad Snowder on March 10, 2013 at 1:39am — No Comments

Howl and go Naked

Where is your god now? Wrath of God

Micah 1:1 to 6:2



1:1 The word of the Lord that just popped into Micah’s head one day.



It's going to get bad, real bad. God will be coming down to walk on the Earth and the dirt will melt under his feet like wax in a hot fire. He will totally destroy all of the land…

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Added by Brad Snowder on March 2, 2013 at 10:55pm — No Comments

The One That Got Away

If you are swallowed by a whale, how can you resist standing up through the blow hole like the sun roof of a limo? Jonah and the Whale

Jonah 1:1 to 4:1



1:1 Once upon a time there was a Jewish guy named Jonah. The Lord talked Jonah. He said "Jonah, go over there to that extremely distant city of Nineveh. Let the Ninnies know that I have noticed their wickedness, even from way over here. I’m not blind. And I'm not just watching and judging…

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Added by Brad Snowder on February 24, 2013 at 2:30am — No Comments

Free Slaves

Your taxes at work. Cursing the Edomites

Obadiah 1:1 to 1:21



1:1 The point of view of Obadiah.



1:11 The Lord thinks this about the Edomites. They stood back and laughed while Jerusalem was destroyed. Truth be known, they even aided in the destruction. …

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Added by Brad Snowder on February 16, 2013 at 1:04pm — No Comments

Burn Ban Lifted

OH MY Judgment Day

Amos 1:1 to 9:11



1:1 These are some words blurted out one day by Amos.



That’s Mr. Amos to you.



The Lord says he has three or four damn good reasons for sending a nasty horrible fire to burn up all of the nations in the…

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Added by Brad Snowder on February 10, 2013 at 3:38am — 1 Comment

Bugs and Worms

They started out practicing under our garage. Valley of Jehoshaphat

Joel 1:1 to 3:2



1:1 OK, here it is, the word of the Lord that just happened to come to Joel one day. It just popped into his head. And the word is that the crops not eaten by worms are eaten by locusts and the crops not eaten by locusts are eaten by worms.



2:1…

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Added by Brad Snowder on February 3, 2013 at 12:14pm — No Comments

Like Your Mom

A true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. ~ Robert Heinlein Reaping the Whirlwind

Hosea 1:2 to 8:7



1:2 The Lord ordered Hosea to marry a prostitute because the Jews were doing whorish things. It seemed like a reasonable demand. So Hosea married a hooker named Gomer and she had children who were given long terrible names by God himself.



2:2…

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Added by Brad Snowder on January 27, 2013 at 11:50am — No Comments

Don't Eat Me Bro

Gravity is only the bark of wisdom's tree, but it is what preserves it. ~ Confucius 500 BCE The Lion’s Den

Daniel 4:4 to 12:13



4:4 King Neb dreamed again and this time he remembered what it was about. It was a tree. The tree was a giant beautiful tree that everyone loved. All the people and animals lived together in and under and around the tree. But then a scary messenger appeared from some vague alternate dimension and began…

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Added by Brad Snowder on January 20, 2013 at 11:17am — No Comments

But it's a Dry Heat

Geene Courtney, Sausage Queen. Sponsored by the Zion Meat Company during National Hot Dog Week, 1955. The Fiery Furnace

Daniel 1:1 to 3:30



1:1 The Lord allowed King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon to conquer Judah and take the Jewish people captive. King Neb called his number one chief castrated slave and told him to pick some of the brighter Jews to come live in the palace and learn to speak the local language. One of them was Daniel. The…

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Added by Brad Snowder on January 12, 2013 at 10:34pm — 1 Comment

Dem Dry Bones

Figuratively speaking... The Valley of Dry Bones

Ezekiel 18:1 to 48:35



18:1 Repent for your sins and God will have mercy. It's not your father's fault you’re being punished. God judges you individually. Sin, sin, sin, tsk tsk tsk, your sins have been many. The people of Tyre are a bunch of sinners and the Babylonians will beat their asses and punish…

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Added by Brad Snowder on January 6, 2013 at 11:54am — 2 Comments

No Cake for Me Thanks

Port-o-Fess, for the priest on the go. The Son of Man

Ezekiel 1:1 to 17:24



1:1 One day when I was with the captive Jews of Babylon, the heavens opened and I saw visions of God himself. I saw a huge stormy thingy with flashing lights and some weird multi-winged, multi-headed monsters. They were like part ox, part lion, part man, and part eagle. It was so scary. I…

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Added by Brad Snowder on December 30, 2012 at 11:04am — 3 Comments

Haters Gonna Hate

Hey come back. Are you going to get a pencil to write this down? Prophecy of Captivity

Jeremiah 20:1 to 47:1



20:1 People hate me. They conspire against me. The governor of the church heard all of the slanderous crap I was saying about him and he had me arrested, beaten, and put in stocks by the gate. Bastard. When I was released I told him that the Babylonians would come and take him and…

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Added by Brad Snowder on December 23, 2012 at 2:57am — No Comments

Cry Baby Cry

Photographer Jill Greenberg's latest exhibition, End Times, features children crying - like the child seen here in 'Shock.' The children are provoked by Greenberg taking away their candy or toys. This technique is known as manipulation. Lamentations

Jeremiah 1:1 to 18:1



1:1 The sad miserable tidings of Jeremiah, into whose mouth many words were put by the Lord.



1:4 God knew me before I was even in my mother's belly. Before I was even a sperm. Then when I became a fetus he decided he wanted me to be a…

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Added by Brad Snowder on December 16, 2012 at 2:33am — No Comments

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