So I was vehemently opposed by another individual when I told her that all babies were atheists. I also said that no innocent child believes in the supernatural beings until they are proselytized to believe so. Doesn't geographic determinism prove this? If you're born in the United States, you'll probably end up Christian, and if you're born in Iran, you'll end up Islamic. Doesn't this prove my point? I'd appreciate any devil's advocates.
Malachi 1:1 to 4:4
1:1 The burden of being the chosen ones, as articulated by a guy named Malachi.
The Lord made something very clear. He said "I have loved you Jews thoroughly, and thoroughly hated just about everyone else." …
Vision of Zion
Zechariah 1:1 to 14:1
1:1 The words of the Lord suddenly appeared in the mind of Zechariah saying “The Lord is upset with your fathers. Don't be like your fathers.”
One night I saw a man riding on a red horse. Behind him were other riders also on red horses. That was pretty…
Added by Brad Snowder on April 7, 2013 at 12:07am — No Comments
Zerubbabel and the Temple
Haggai 1:1 to 2:23
1:1 The word of the Lord as imagined by the prophet Haggai, chief bottle washer and overpaid yes-man to The Mighty Zerubbabel, Prince of Persia, in the province of Judah (rural delivery).
2:3 Some people are saying that it is…
Day of the Lord
Zephaniah 1:1 to 3:20
1:1 The word of the Lord which dawned on Zephaniah, who was the son of somebody, who was the son of somebody, who was the son of somebody.
God says he will come and utterly eat everything. A day is coming, a bad day, a real bad day. The Lord's…
Added by Brad Snowder on March 24, 2013 at 1:39am — No Comments
Fear of God
Habakkuk 1:1 to 3:2
1:1 The burden of being Jewish from the point of view of Habakkuk.
Lord how long do I have to sit around balling my eyes out and you will not hear me crying? Even when there is massive violence you will not come save us. There is something…
The Vengeance of God
Nahum 1:1 to 3:1
1:1 The burden of Nineveh and all of the associated imaginings in the mind of a guy named Nahum.
God is jealous. God is revengeful. God is furious. So then, we've established that God is jealous, revengeful, and furious. He is slow to anger…
Added by Brad Snowder on March 10, 2013 at 1:39am — No Comments
Wrath of God
Micah 1:1 to 6:2
1:1 The word of the Lord that just popped into Micah’s head one day.
It's going to get bad, real bad. God will be coming down to walk on the Earth and the dirt will melt under his feet like wax in a hot fire. He will totally destroy all of the land…
Added by Brad Snowder on March 2, 2013 at 10:55pm — No Comments
Jonah and the Whale
Jonah 1:1 to 4:1
1:1 Once upon a time there was a Jewish guy named Jonah. The Lord talked Jonah. He said "Jonah, go over there to that extremely distant city of Nineveh. Let the Ninnies know that I have noticed their wickedness, even from way over here. I’m not blind. And I'm not just watching and judging…
Added by Brad Snowder on February 24, 2013 at 2:30am — No Comments
Cursing the Edomites
Obadiah 1:1 to 1:21
1:1 The point of view of Obadiah.
1:11 The Lord thinks this about the Edomites. They stood back and laughed while Jerusalem was destroyed. Truth be known, they even aided in the destruction. …
Added by Brad Snowder on February 16, 2013 at 1:04pm — No Comments
Amos 1:1 to 9:11
1:1 These are some words blurted out one day by Amos.
That’s Mr. Amos to you.
The Lord says he has three or four damn good reasons for sending a nasty horrible fire to burn up all of the nations in the…
Valley of Jehoshaphat
Joel 1:1 to 3:2
1:1 OK, here it is, the word of the Lord that just happened to come to Joel one day. It just popped into his head. And the word is that the crops not eaten by worms are eaten by locusts and the crops not eaten by locusts are eaten by worms.
Added by Brad Snowder on February 3, 2013 at 12:14pm — No Comments
Reaping the Whirlwind
Hosea 1:2 to 8:7
1:2 The Lord ordered Hosea to marry a prostitute because the Jews were doing whorish things. It seemed like a reasonable demand. So Hosea married a hooker named Gomer and she had children who were given long terrible names by God himself.
Added by Brad Snowder on January 27, 2013 at 11:50am — No Comments
The Lion’s Den
Daniel 4:4 to 12:13
4:4 King Neb dreamed again and this time he remembered what it was about. It was a tree. The tree was a giant beautiful tree that everyone loved. All the people and animals lived together in and under and around the tree. But then a scary messenger appeared from some vague alternate dimension and began…
Added by Brad Snowder on January 20, 2013 at 11:17am — No Comments
The Fiery Furnace
Daniel 1:1 to 3:30
1:1 The Lord allowed King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon to conquer Judah and take the Jewish people captive. King Neb called his number one chief castrated slave and told him to pick some of the brighter Jews to come live in the palace and learn to speak the local language. One of them was Daniel. The…
The Valley of Dry Bones
Ezekiel 18:1 to 48:35
18:1 Repent for your sins and God will have mercy. It's not your father's fault you’re being punished. God judges you individually. Sin, sin, sin, tsk tsk tsk, your sins have been many. The people of Tyre are a bunch of sinners and the Babylonians will beat their asses and punish…
The Son of Man
Ezekiel 1:1 to 17:24
1:1 One day when I was with the captive Jews of Babylon, the heavens opened and I saw visions of God himself. I saw a huge stormy thingy with flashing lights and some weird multi-winged, multi-headed monsters. They were like part ox, part lion, part man, and part eagle. It was so scary. I…
Prophecy of Captivity
Jeremiah 20:1 to 47:1
20:1 People hate me. They conspire against me. The governor of the church heard all of the slanderous crap I was saying about him and he had me arrested, beaten, and put in stocks by the gate. Bastard. When I was released I told him that the Babylonians would come and take him and…
Added by Brad Snowder on December 23, 2012 at 2:57am — No Comments
Jeremiah 1:1 to 18:1
1:1 The sad miserable tidings of Jeremiah, into whose mouth many words were put by the Lord.
1:4 God knew me before I was even in my mother's belly. Before I was even a sperm. Then when I became a fetus he decided he wanted me to be a…
Added by Brad Snowder on December 16, 2012 at 2:33am — No Comments
The Love Poem
Song of Solomon 1:1 to 8:11
1:1 This is the best song of all the songs. It was composed by Solomon. Let him kiss me right on the mouth with his mouth.
Your love is better than wine and you are well known for your savory skin lotions. That’s why the virgins all love…