Amos 1:1 to 9:11
1:1 These are some words blurted out one day by Amos.
That’s Mr. Amos to you.
The Lord says he has three or four damn good reasons for sending a nasty horrible fire to burn up all of the nations in the…
Brought to you by The Onion (a satirical "news" organization)
THE HEAVENS—Sources close to God reported Thursday that the Creator of the Universe and Author of Our Eternal Salvation suffered a crippling bout of existential dread this week, lying awake all night as He pondered His own immortality.
Anxiously drumming His fingers, the all-powerful being was…Continue
Today I ran a half marathon. When I crossed the finish line, I saw my dad running to me. His arms were wide open and he had the biggest smile on his face. These are the memories of my dad that I love. I've run races before and in less time, but he couldn't be there. I think, for him, having the time to see his kids meeting goals in life is precious and thrilling. He, of course, calls these moments, "gifts from god," but I don't care what he calls it, so long as he is there and…Continue
Added by Colleen on January 27, 2013 at 9:07pm — No Comments
Reaping the Whirlwind
Hosea 1:2 to 8:7
1:2 The Lord ordered Hosea to marry a prostitute because the Jews were doing whorish things. It seemed like a reasonable demand. So Hosea married a hooker named Gomer and she had children who were given long terrible names by God himself.
Added by Brad Snowder on January 27, 2013 at 11:50am — No Comments
The Lion’s Den
Daniel 4:4 to 12:13
4:4 King Neb dreamed again and this time he remembered what it was about. It was a tree. The tree was a giant beautiful tree that everyone loved. All the people and animals lived together in and under and around the tree. But then a scary messenger appeared from some vague alternate dimension and began…
Added by Brad Snowder on January 20, 2013 at 11:17am — No Comments
Hiya. My name is Ash...
I go to a high school in the state of Georgia, and I am currently taking AP US History.
I do not say the pledge, and I do not stand.
I do not say it because I know America is not "under God" and I know there is not "liberty and justice for all."
I choose not to stand because I don't want to stand for a country, that I believe, does not stand for me.
I have not stood for the pledge since 8th grade, and I'm currently in 11th. I have never had any…
In my public speaking class, we were assigned to write a speech. The speech needed to use either facts or emotional appeal to persuade the audience. I wrote this in a very short amount of time. Haha... I got one slow clap by a nice girl in my class. A boy in the front row said he lost all respect for me. What do you guys think of it?
God is Imaginary
I used to…
The Fiery Furnace
Daniel 1:1 to 3:30
1:1 The Lord allowed King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon to conquer Judah and take the Jewish people captive. King Neb called his number one chief castrated slave and told him to pick some of the brighter Jews to come live in the palace and learn to speak the local language. One of them was Daniel. The…
The Valley of Dry Bones
Ezekiel 18:1 to 48:35
18:1 Repent for your sins and God will have mercy. It's not your father's fault you’re being punished. God judges you individually. Sin, sin, sin, tsk tsk tsk, your sins have been many. The people of Tyre are a bunch of sinners and the Babylonians will beat their asses and punish…
The Son of Man
Ezekiel 1:1 to 17:24
1:1 One day when I was with the captive Jews of Babylon, the heavens opened and I saw visions of God himself. I saw a huge stormy thingy with flashing lights and some weird multi-winged, multi-headed monsters. They were like part ox, part lion, part man, and part eagle. It was so scary. I…
Prophecy of Captivity
Jeremiah 20:1 to 47:1
20:1 People hate me. They conspire against me. The governor of the church heard all of the slanderous crap I was saying about him and he had me arrested, beaten, and put in stocks by the gate. Bastard. When I was released I told him that the Babylonians would come and take him and…
Added by Brad Snowder on December 23, 2012 at 2:57am — No Comments
Jeremiah 1:1 to 18:1
1:1 The sad miserable tidings of Jeremiah, into whose mouth many words were put by the Lord.
1:4 God knew me before I was even in my mother's belly. Before I was even a sperm. Then when I became a fetus he decided he wanted me to be a…
Added by Brad Snowder on December 16, 2012 at 2:33am — No Comments
Prophesy of Doom
Isaiah 1:1 to 66:1
1:1 The hallucinations of Isaiah, the son of Amoz, which he saw concerning Judah and Jerusalem back in the days of Uzziah and a bunch of other kings.
1:2 Ok listen up. God says he has taken good care of you up until now but you are all a bunch…
The Love Poem
Song of Solomon 1:1 to 8:11
1:1 This is the best song of all the songs. It was composed by Solomon. Let him kiss me right on the mouth with his mouth.
Your love is better than wine and you are well known for your savory skin lotions. That’s why the virgins all love…
Ecclesiastes 1:1 to 12:1
1:1 The words of the preacher, the son of King David in Jerusalem.
Everything is nothing, absolutely nothing. Everything is absolutely nothing. People live and people die but the Earth just keeps on keeping on. The sun rises and the sun sets.…
Added by Brad Snowder on November 25, 2012 at 3:24am — No Comments
Hymns of the Lyre
Psalms 1:1 to 1:150
1. You would do well to follow the Lord's rules, otherwise you will suffer mightily I assure you.
2. The kings of Earth think they can gang up against the Lord but he is laughing. Bwahahaha he will smash them to pieces like a clay pot. I however,…
Added by Brad Snowder on November 11, 2012 at 10:15am — No Comments
God and Job
Job 19:1 to 42:10
19:1 Both God and Satan remained quiet while Job and his three friends continued debating the system of justice God had provided for the Universe. Job said, "Give me a break, I'm innocent. I've begged God to hear my story but he's shut me out. He has unfairly counted me among his enemies. He has…
Added by Brad Snowder on November 4, 2012 at 2:15am — No Comments
Job 8:1 to 18:1
8:1 After Job's extensive tirade about the unjust nature of humanity's role in the battle between cosmic factions of good and evil, his number two friend had finally heard enough and entered the fray. He said "How long can you go on and on about what a good guy you are? If…
Added by Brad Snowder on October 28, 2012 at 12:42pm — No Comments
Job 1:1 to 6:4
1:1 Once upon a time there was a rich man in the land of Uz whose name was Job. He was indeed one righteous dude. He was very afraid of the Lord, which is wise, and also he hated evil. So that was essentially Job’s stand on the subject of human morality, fear and hate. He had a…
Added by Brad Snowder on October 21, 2012 at 3:11am — No Comments
Esther and Mordecai
Esther 1:1 to 8:8
1:3 King Ahasuerus of Persia would often party with very important men. One day he and some dignitaries were drinking and the king sent for his pretty queen Vashti to be brought in and paraded around before the guys. He insisted she come in wearing something skimpy and shake it and…
Added by Brad Snowder on October 14, 2012 at 12:02pm — No Comments