My name is Josiah, but i go by Josie. I'm 17 and i live in a small town. i have a sister, and i grew up in a christian home in the same small town i live in now. My mom and my dad divorced when i was 10 years old. I lived with my mom for 3 years in Pueblo. I struggled fitting in in an all three schools that i went to every year (one being a Mexican school, another a private Christian school, and a public school). I moved in with my dad in 8th grade. My dad was a very strict man (religiously and morally), needless to say we fought a lot. In my Freshmen year, i moved to Tulsa with my mom. It was a very hard time for me, because i was a bad introvert, and that's difficult in a high school setting. The only thing that got me through this time was my best friend who moved there (he was dating my sister) my uncle and his girlfriend. This was when i really started tapping into my artistic side. After school got out i moved in with my dad for a summer job. My dad and i got to know each other a lot better during the weeks we spent in a motor home inspecting power poles. I got re-acquainted with some of my friends from 1-4th grade. My sophomore year i decided to stay with my dad for school. That was the best year of my thus far. Its sad to say, but that was the first year (since i was in elementary) that i had friends and a social life. I had so many new experiences. That's when i really started to find out who i was and what i wanted to do with my life. That summer, i came back to Pueblo with my mom. Unfortunately, since I've been back nothing has been the same. It seems like i carry on the same routine every day, and nothing is new. The major thing that is keeping me going is my art, and music. My dad and i have gotten very close through out the years, he's a very wise and amazing man. I don't believe in most of his beliefs, however i respect them (as i do ever ones). I know that not very many people will read this, but to be honest, I'm writing this for myself. All my life I've lived the way everyone else has wanted me to live it. I've tried to make everyone happy but myself. I've finally decided to live for myself. My dad has always told me, "Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life." I think i finally understand what he has been trying to tell me.
Why are you here?
I'm here because my beliefs have been a lifelong struggle. I'm still looking for many answers the questions i have, and I'm hoping that maybe there will be some people i can have civilized(un-pushy,un-judgmental) chat with. Right now I would probably have to call myself an agnostic, and i want to be confident in what i believe in (whatever it turns out to be).
The religion you left
Why you left your religion.
When i was young (like most children) i wanted to be a part of something. i think a huge part of my "salvation" was gullibility and wanting to be like the other "spirit filled" kids my age. Bluntly, i thought it was cool to be christian. However, after i started to understand what Christianity was, and what the idea of god meant, i started to have questions and there was no one i felt comfortable asking. When i got older, the other kids in my church would get on these "spiritual highs." I thought that there was something wrong with me, because i never felt like that, in fact, i never felt anything (from god), no love, no mercy, nothing. I was embarrassed to tell anyone. I started to get scared, thinking about the idea of predestination. I thought maybe i wasn't chosen to go to heaven, or maybe god didn't love me for some reason. I honestly think that that's when i became an introvert. After stressing over these things i finally decided i didn't want to deal with it anymore, so i just pushed all of it to the back of my mind. Its always been there, though, subconsciously. I just want to know for sure what i believe.
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Hey little bro. You didn't leave the skull candy picture you were working on so I decided I wanted to make my own; I really wanted to make one anyway. I liked how it ended up so I posted it on my DA site if you want to check it out. Here's the link if you want to see it, you should post yours as well, I forgot what it looked like.
See you Wednesday.
oh dear... can u tolerate dangdut? haha oh well =P hmm my favourite food is noodles, i think it's been passed down from generation to generation, my grandpa is noodles lover, and so are my dad and my uncle, love noodles so much, and so am i, another generation of noodles lover hahaha i dunno why =D lovely! i dunno if i ever try burritos... wow! your mom is cool! my mom can't cook, only my dad, and he always cooks chinese food haha hmm i also like anything spicy and salty =P have u tried tomyam and kimchi? they surely taste great =D oh that's cool! hmm yeah exploring both sides of point of view is great, like my dad doesn't believe in god, but he reads a lot of history about religion, and surprisingly religious people praise him for his knowledge HAHA (well im not boasting about my dad lol) but it's just funny =P so what u do is awesome! =) oh btw, what music and movies do u like? what actress or actor do u like? one of my favourite actresses is jessica alba, lol she's hot, im not really interested in male stars, dunno why... hahaha anyway... take care! =)
haha well... my hobbies? reading and writing, and people watching (u know that), i also like window shopping or just going around the mall preferable alone, because i dun like to be in a huge company, if i go with friends, i usually go 1 on 1, but it's not like a date, just that i dun like being in a crowd, haha if there are too many people, i tend to shift away from them, because too many people gives me headache, for example in the lift or something =D if there are too many people going into the lift, i'd rather go by staircase =D and i also dun like hearing people talking, (too many people i mean), if there are too many people talking, i usually turn on my music to the loudest haha i just can't tolerate their blah blah blah, like last time i was in a restaurant and this girl was talking in high speech, so loud it was almost a scream, and i just wanted to tell her shut up because it was fucking annoying, so i just turned on my music so loud (but her voice could still be heard! -_-) and i also like getting "inspiration" from some philosophy quotes =D what about you? what are your hobbies? and what is your favourite food? =D i listen to any kinds of music except dangdut, probably u haven't heard that because it's only in indonesia, and people here love it so much but i can't stand it at allll! hahaha it's sooo sooo sooo annoying i bet if u watch dangdut on youtube, u'll close it at the 3rd second xD it's unbearable =P believe me =D go try it HAHAHA xD it's ok =D i hope u have a good rest =) i'll talk to you later! =)
Hello! haha it's noon here and im so bored =( yeah looks can be deceiving haha actually my friend told me the more i grow up the more younger i look haha that's pretty weird... and scary =| that's cool! well i wanna move to canada because my bf is canadian =) but maybe he's moving to either toronto or los angeles, so i dunno =D my ideal place is still north pole and switzerland, in north pole i can befriend with the polar bears MUAHAHAHAHA, wait for them to eat me up =| i think it's really awesome there, but a tropical person like me will die on a cold condition like that lol xD italy and germany are great =) yeah europe is awesome! =D my fav. places in europe are scandinavian countries =) people there are... well interesting =) it's nice to see people who are different from our people, and it's cool, i talked to this one finnish guy on the train, and he duzn know where is indonesia lol so he drew a map of "Asia" but it didn't show the southeast asia part, so i was like.. asia is not that small... lol xD so he thought asia consists only china, japan and korea and he thought im korean, i was like nono im indonesian xD i bet indonesia is not that famous... lol oh adding to why i would want to live in canada because people there are very friendly and very organized, polite, not like here =( and oh, u will never hear this kind of history on textbook because the president closed every bad history he made, so the world dunno what's going on in our country. great right? xD a president can actually make changes the history, mistake he made, and not only the chinese issue, but other things in the past, that's why we hate him a lot =( yeah i understand... my bestfriend is now in his hometown (because we are having holiday), and we can't talk much and hang out, the only thing we can do is texting. he and i have pretty much the same thing in common, so we know each other feeling well. and oh btw, im so very quiet in real life xD i type a lot but... well i remember my boyfriend's sister (when i went to vancouver) said this to him,"does ur girlfriend ever talk?" lol so yeah... but im trying to socialize with people, but if i open my mouth, they say im a weirdo, so i dunno whether to open my mouth or not xD a lot of people are talking behind my back, mostly saying im a weird person =( so.. well i dun really like people gossiping.. i think gossipers should go to kindergarten once again =P allright enough of me talking xD, take care! =D
*sigh* my "trip" turned into a disaster, lol i was sick the whole entire time and got prescribed 6 different kinds of pills by the doctor =P aahhh =( anyway... oh yeah im 21.... lol i know i look 12 =P but im 21 lol, and im a 6th semester student in a universtiy haha.. i think that indonesian look very very very young, when i went to canada and bought tickets for something (amusement park entrance for example), they let me in for teenager fee lol, maybe they would have let me in with children fee as well xD
yup that's scary, lots of stuff like that... like a wife killing her husband for some reason i dunno what, a girl delivered her child and put the child in drawer until death, a nurse jumping from my university building =( and one time a girl got raped by more than 32 men (i think it's a crime history ever here concerning rape), it's terrible.. and im not sure if u have heard about the chinese issue here in indonesia 1998, it was by President Soeharto, he's chinese hater (he's dead now), and in 1998, he PAID young indonesian men to go to the whole neighbourhood where chinese lived, and raped the chinese girls in that neighbourhood, some chinese fathers were asked to rape their own daughters, from as young as 6 year old to maybe my age, and chinese girls were stripped and went home naked. soeharto is our second president, and we all hate him.
oh.. where do you want to move? i want to move somewhere like canada... haha or europe, my ideal places are finland and switzerland =D as long as not southeast asia, im sick of being here xD i wanna live in north pole as well HAHA
that's awesome! Snowboarding! i wish we could have snow here... =( is it tough to play snowboarding? haven't tried that in my whole life... haha
well education system is not as modern as yours, that's why a lot of people here are illiterate, but i guess it's because the government corrupts! =(
wow anyway i guess i've written too much, sorry =P i hope it duzn make u dizzy haha! continue soon =)
have a good day! =D ciao!
yo im back! =D my tooth aching lol (ok enough of dentist xD)
"I thought that there was something wrong with me, because i never felt like that, in fact, i never felt anything (from god), no love, no mercy, nothing. I thought maybe i wasn't chosen to go to heaven, or maybe god didn't love me for some reason. " i experience the same thing as yours! when i went to a christmas sermon like 2 years ago, everyone in the church was rolling on the ground, singing crying shouting, everything, well i was the only odd one, because i didn't feel anything at all, the atmosphere felt normal, nothing extraordinary, nothing special, i couldn't feel the presence of holy spirit and my friend nudged me and asked me if i felt anything, i said no i feel nothing. but it was a good entertainment to watch all these people going wild and crazy =) my friend said i should be careful and take care of myself going to church because the holy spirit will send all devils to hell lol (so he was refering me as a devil =P) but like you, in the end i dun wanna think about it =) no matter how i tried going to different churches doesnt make any difference.
"I've tried to make everyone happy but myself." the same case as me as well, and i still do, but not necessary in religion case. well, the high school i went to is a christian school, and everyone is expected to have devotion time every morning, and basically i was trapped there n forced to believe in a god (who "cares" only about the earth, but the universe is so big and far sooo beautiful) and make everyone else happy by starting a prayer with "dear heavenly father...."
anyway about the barbarian indonesian xD well this is out of topic, doesn't have anything to do with religion, well like there's a lot of case here concerning cutting a person in 5 pieces or burying alive person until death, i guess those people are just psycho.
so you can tell me about the education system in America and how people interact with each other =) or anything! =) im open to any stories =)
anyway im going for vacation for 3-4 days, so i might reply real late!
yup true =D thank you! =) yeah a lot of indonesian are barbarians haha i'll share some more stories with you later =) but now im going to go to a bookstore with my dad and then im going to dentist *cry* =D talk to you later! =) have a great evening =D