Explaining the contradictions in the bible - From a Christian Website. WTF AM I READING?

Comment by archaeopteryx on July 26, 2012 at 9:44am

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me:   "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me:   "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."
Me:   "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me:   "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me:   "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me:   "And has He given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me:   "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."
Me:   "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me:   "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me:   "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."
Me:   "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me:   "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me:   "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me:   "Then how do you kiss His ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me:   "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me:   "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

Me:   "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

(cont.)

Comment by archaeopteryx on July 26, 2012 at 9:53am

(cont. from comment above)

Me:   "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me:   "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
Me:   "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me:   "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me:   "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me:   "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me:   "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me:   "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me:   "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."
Me:   "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me:   "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary: She blushes.
John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me:   "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me:   "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary: She looks positively stricken.
John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me:   "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me:   "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary: She faints.

(cont)

Comment by archaeopteryx on July 26, 2012 at 9:56am

(cont. from comment above)

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

This page is http://www.jhuger.com/kisshank Copyright © Rev. James Huber, (james@jhuger.com) All rights reserved.

Permission is hereby granted to duplicate for personal use. For other uses, please see http://www.jhuger.com/copyright.

Comment by Ron V on July 26, 2012 at 9:28pm

If it is impossible for god to lie, does this imply god is not omnipotent?

Comment by Connor Eaves on November 30, 2012 at 5:16am

A more perfect definition of doublethink the world has never seen.

Comment by salahhe on July 3, 2013 at 3:59am

I read an article that said: for example, there is no contradiction about how Judas died. Yes, John says he went and hanged himself while Mark says he jumped over a cliff. What really happened was that he hanged himself from a branch of a tree that was on the edge of a huge gap and then the branch broke and he fell into the gap. No contradiction there.

I swear it said that. I might have gotten the names wrong but that was the story. I didn't know whether to face palm of laugh my ass of first.

Comment by Matthew on July 3, 2013 at 6:16pm

What is, this I don't even...

Comment by SteveInCO on July 3, 2013 at 9:06pm

When the bible gives two different events (such as different ways for Judas to off himself) there will be attempts made to reconcile the two, resulting in the claim that the two different accounts each told differing halves ofthe same story.  John says Jesus drove the moneychangers out of the temple on a visit to Jerusalem before the one where he was crucified, the other gospels that he did so on the one and only visit that they mention--the one where he got crucified.  So the literalists reconcile this by claiming Jesus did it twice, with John telling of the first time and the other gospels the other time.  (More likely John just didn't give a rat's ass about telling the story in chronological order.)

It's a little harder to explain away the fact that John says Jesus was crucified the day before passover and the other three (synoptic) gospels maintained that it happened on the first day of passover.

Comment by James Cox on January 26, 2014 at 5:52pm

Hay, I am trying to have a nice day here, can you keep the double think down to a low rumble?

Comment by Erock68la on April 17, 2014 at 5:01pm

And the correct way to debate an atheist is to put fingers in both ears and yell "la la la la, I can't hear you!"

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