"Please say, 'so help me god'..." "But I am an atheist..." "Well, we have this secular version here, 'this I affirm under the pains and penalties of perjury'-” "Well, actually I'm an agnostic, so I MIGHT accept some vague, latent teleological deistic/open-theistic/pantheistic/panentheistic force... maybe I should do the god version after all..." "Whichever you like sir." "But what if I think god…