Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Gaytor on December 24, 2009 at 9:42am

If the child is likely to have a life with steady meals and a family, and with you that is questionable, you are making the right decision. They will certainly indoctrinate the child (intentionally avoiding saying your child). While this is unfortunate, the gift in return of a life of love and family is generous.

The biggest thing that I would have to get into my head is shutting my mouth when it comes to teaching the child my world views. You give up that right and should have any open and frank discussions about it until the child is old enough to transition into making adult decision at say 16.

Sounds like a struggle, but once you start accepting help, the ethical thing to do is commit to the plan or back out as soon as you have doubts. Receiving help for 8 months then pulling out of the deal isn't fair to them emotionally or financially. I hope that this helps. The eventual religion of the child is less disturbing than a hungry child or neglected child because the single mom has to work.

Permalink Reply by Joann Brady on December 24, 2009 at 1:18pm

I feel your pain. I too had an unplanned child. I was a bit older, but had no more promises of my future.......I was actually IN art school when it happened! Anyway, I chose to have and keep my child, and raise him my way. His father wanted nothing to do with either one of us. I had to go on welfare & foodstamps to take care of him.
I thought my family would disown me ( it was the 70s after all) but they did not.
My "boy" is now 30 years old, and I would not trade a momnet of our life together for anything else in the world. He has reconciled with his father and they have a good relationship. We had some tough times, but it was worth it.
You have several months to think about it, I hope you can come to a peaceful solution. I hope I am not just adding to your confusion, I did not have the option that you are facing.

Permalink Reply by Cara Coleen on December 24, 2009 at 3:02pm

Gaytor makes some good points, but you won't be the first woman to have an unplanned child at an early age... as Joann pointed out. You won't be the last, either. I do know, however, that you will regret letting them raise your child as you get older. You'll be curious and think about her/him every day of your life.

I'm not sure of the whole story, but my step-dad got his girlfriend pregnant when he was 19. Her and her family convinced him to give it up for adoption and have nothing to do with it as they raised it. He has regretted that decision and told us (after adopting my mom's kids... us) he thought about Zack everyday. At 18, he sent him a letter inviting Zack to contact him if he wanted... and he did. They have a pretty good relationship now but Zack is in the Marines so they get very little time to catch up. The point is, if he could go back, my step-dad would never have given his child up. They had convinced him that it would be "best" for his child if he stayed out of the way; I think we all disagree with that now.

My real dad left before I was born and was not really in my life until I was almost 23. As a little girl, I felt very misplaced because I was more like my dad's side than my mother's side but didn't know it. I just felt like a weirdo. When I met him, it was like I was meeting part of myself. I finally understood myself better and knowing him answered a lot of questions. Knowing him has validated me in ways I cannot describe to anyone who hasn't had one or the other parent missing. I do wish he'd been there the whole time. I appreciate what my step-dad attempted to do for my older brother and I, but I wish it had been my biological father. Of course, we can't go backwards and we all make the most of the relationships we have now, but... as the child of a missing parent, I can tell you they would prefer their real mother over even their aunt and uncle. They're going to have so many identity issues as they grow up, not to mention feelings of rejection. It's bad enough their father doesn't want them, but at least you'll have been there for them.

It's tough to give advice to someone making such a monumental decision, but... I feel very strongly about it from my own experience. There's nothing like a mother's love. People survive tough situations ALL the time, and it's the relationships in life that matter more than anything... yes, even more than stability. If ever you do get to come back into your child's life, there will be a rift there caused by religion. My bio-dad and I were lucky because it didn't take long for me to become atheist. We actually transitioned together, although he wasn't nearly as religious as I was. That is an extremely unlikely scenario, though. Your child may not ever convert from their indoctrination. Although I love my mother dearly, I grieve that there's such a huge rift there which is caused by her religious views.

Like Joann said, I think if you decide to keep your baby, there won't be a moment you regret it. The very fact that you're hesitating now says you're already attached and concerned. I'm so very sorry its father is bailing on you; I can't imagine the pain. It's a common theme for men to leave their children behind. You have that option, too, but yours is a deeper bond with the child that guys simply won't ever understand. It's growing IN you, after all; you're biologically connected. Just because you're ProChoice doesn't mean the choice will always be to abort. I'm ProChoice but I don't think I could have an abortion, either. People shouldn't always assume the right thing is to give up their children just because they face extremely hard times. You obviously won't hate your child; you obviously already have a love for it and are concerned for its best interests. YOU are the best thing for the child no matter what the circumstances.

Permalink Reply by Angie the Anti-Theist on December 27, 2009 at 12:27pm

Much as I love my kid, there have been a *few* moments I regretted being a young broke trapped-at-home single mom.

Permalink Reply by Hector on January 5, 2010 at 2:07pm

Yes, being a young parent before you even lived your life on your own is very hard and at times I too find myself very sad and depressed. Wishing if only I had him when I was 20 that would have given me more time alone with my husband and time to be a teenager. We are high school sweethearts and after we met it was just about us. We were always with each other so I never had fun times" with friends. As sad as it sounds now I can't wait until he's older just so I can be more "free" BUT that's selfish to think but I'm just being honest. At first I kept to myself and was a stay at home bored mom Lol Then I went to school and now I'm working so that's given me a chance to be away from home. I never wanted to go out much with him because he was a baby but now I regret it! Here's why, it's so much easier to be out with a baby in the car seat versus a toddler in his terrible twos! When they're babies they just sit in their car seat, have milk every 3 hours, and change their diapers. Now that he's a toddler just getting him ready is so much harder. Instead of just packing milk and bottles it's now sippy cups, loads of snacks and food, even toys for when he gets bored. He wants to walk around everywhere and grab everything. It's so much harder but we still have hope that sooner or later it'll be "easier" on us once he "understands" more Lol Just when you're getting over one thing another comes up. We're NOT having another one until he's in school so they'll be anywhere from 5-7 years apart and so what what others think. We're the ones raising the children, I'm the one carrying it, and we're the ones working for them so it's OUR decision how far apart in age we want our children. We don't believe in that "getting over it faster" ideal of having them one after another. We want to give attention to each of them.

Permalink Reply by Angie the Anti-Theist on March 4, 2010 at 3:01pm

Ha my kid was a lot more work as an infant than a toddler, because he had GERD but then outgrew it. As a baby I had to walk him around in the stroller 2-3 hours *per day* to get him to sleep. On the plus side, I lost all the baby weight. He skipped the terrible 2s and waited till he was 3, but it wasn't that bad.

Permalink Reply by Galen on December 24, 2009 at 5:52pm

Replied in your other post about this. Having 2 is confusing :)

Permalink Reply by Jacqueline Sarah Homan on December 24, 2009 at 6:55pm

Alexandra:

I do not want to repost this entire blog article here until after all the mods are weigh in with their consensus as to whether or not it belongs anywhere on a networking site that primarily focuses on the issues of atheism. However, given your circumstances, I am posting the link to it here.

Making a fully informed choice with as much knowledge and disclosure is of paramount importantce, because it is your body and your physical, psychological, economic wellbeing, and your life that is 100% at stake and at risk in this entire thing — no one else's. Please go read the write-up on the link I've posted and for more extensive data, read this one here. Since you're the one 100% at risk in this no matter what you choose, you deserve to have as much info at your disposal as humanly possible.

Permalink Reply by Alexandra Jael on December 26, 2009 at 12:36am

wow I really appreciate everyone's comments and I have taken everything you have all said into consideration. These people are nice, surprisingly well educated, and wealthy people who will give my child a good home, this I know. I also know that I will probably never have as much money as them, but I will give my baby all the love in the world. I have lots of people who care for me and will help me as much as they can. I think I can do this. Whatever decision I make will be a difficult one, but I am leaning towards keeping my baby. If I gave up my baby I would have the body of a woman who had a child with nothing to show for it but I will be able to party and do all the young things I have been doing, but I shouldn't be so selfish, I can give up that party lifestyle and grow up and take care of my child. I will not regret that decision. And I can see the father of my baby coming around, I talk to him regularly and he is very supportive of me, we talk on the phone, we laugh and we cry together. I hope that he will step up and take responsibility, I really do.

Permalink Reply by Angie the Anti-Theist on December 27, 2009 at 12:24pm

I was 21 when I got pregnant with my son & my one major piece of advice to you is DON'T get married over this. I did & regretted it almost immediately. I've been raising my son alone since he was 6 weeks old and even have a restraining order against my exhusband, so he has no contact with us at all (if he wants to stay outta jail.)

That said, it's been a lot harder to go to college. I've had to leave twice now, and I'm still only a Sophomore. Money has been crazy tight, and my family of origin wasn't helpful. A year and a half ago, we lived in my car for a couple weeks. (Now we're in a big ass house with my new rich boyfriend, lol) And being a single mom is really lonely. I worked as a nanny & maid the first two years, cleaning other people's toilets & watching their kids, so I could bring my son with me. Childcare is expensive as hell, and I pretty much had no money for a social life for the first two years and then the fourth year (he's 4 now). For a while there, I was making really good money as an executive, but my nanny spent more time with my son than I did.

All that said, my son is awesome. Sure vacations & freedom would be nice (I have to find a sitter at least a day in advance to grab dinner out - no more spontaneity) Having a little disposable income would be really cool. But I see me in him, and I get to love him the way my parents didn't love me. I get to respect his intelligence and let him make his own decisions, and teach him about science and logic and reason, all the things i missed out on growing up in a religious family.

There's no easy decision, but remember that you have a third option: You can place the baby for adoption through an agency. My aunt & uncle adopted their 2 kids & the birth mother had the final say in who would adopt (and twice they changed their minds at the last minute and kept the baby after all.) You could find gay or atheist or liberal or jewish people to adopt. Your aunt and uncle aren't the only ones who would love for a little baby to join their family.

Permalink Reply by Lewis Simpson on December 27, 2009 at 3:56pm

Alexandra, I've read through this and the sister post on this subject. I've read some great advice and thought I would add my two cents. The key to a good parent, in my experience, is not how much money you have or how perfectly your pregnancy is timed but is in how much you want to be a good parent. You are clearly intelligent and want to be a good parent as evidenced by the fact you are seeking advice on how to make the best decisions for your child.

As a gay man I know very well that family does not have to be blood related, and I believe strongly in adoption. But you have said you want to keep your child and that you are more than willing to "grow up" and meet the challenge. Sounds to me like you already have. Maturity happens as we face situations that require it, and it looks to me like you are on your way to being a good mom.

Rest assured there will be hard times in your future, but that statement is true regardless of what decision you make today. Children do not know or care how much money you have when they are loved, well until they're teenagers and then all the rules are thrown out LOL. That's also when you'll need a sense of humor :-)

I wish you the very best!

Permalink Reply by Hector on January 5, 2010 at 1:47pm

"Should I really be letting these people raise my child as their own?! Or Should I try to take care of my child by myself? This is the hardest decision I have ever made in my life,"
You just admitted it right there that you aren't wanting to try. You're ONLY 20 years old but yet you're old enough to have unprotected sex or at least be on some sort of birth control? I'm about to be 21 next month and my son is 2 years and 3 months old. I found out I was pregnant right before my 18th birthday. Why did I get pregnant? Simple. I was naive and immature about the responsibilities that comes with choosing to have sex. You're 20 years old, come on that's not THAT bad. You can take the father to court for child support and get help from the governemnt. If you have family that can help you out with watching your baby while you go to school and after you graduate you're on your own. Who knows maybe along the way you'll find someone that is willing to be with you even though you have a child already.

Now if you choose that you don't want to try and take care of your baby and want someone else to adopt your baby I don't think it's a good idea to choose a couple who not only are very religious but also already have 3 kids. Wouldn't you want to give brand new parents a chance and not a couple that already has 3? That's my opinion. Also there's no telling if later in life you'll meet up with your child or even be a part of his or her life while growing up. Do you want a child who believes in fairy tales but eventually grows out of the tooth fairy and monsters under his bed but not of a God? Lol Personally I would pick first time parents OR parents that have only 1 other adopted child and are either non religious, agnostic, or straight up atheist.

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