It's hard for me to put a finger on the moment I realized I was an atheist. My deconversion didn't just happen; it was a long process of questioning and searching for answers, wherever they came from. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. Looking back, I can see many different events in my life that made me question and wonder about my faith and there are a lot of times I can think of where I knew I had left my faith and become atheist, although I may not have been comfortable with the label at the time. Anyway, here's my story:

I was raised in the Lutheran church by two loving parents. My dad had been a Lutheran in his childhood, and in his first marriage got involved with the Jehovah's Witnesses. He got fed up with their restrictions and got himself disfellowshipped after a couple of years, his marriage ended, and a few years later met my mom, a Methodist, who insisted that they go to church every Sunday. That was how they did it in her family and it was "normal." So they attended a Lutheran church downtown, got married there, and had my younger sister and me baptized there. I attended the school associated with the church when I was in kindergarten, but my parents couldn't afford the tuition to keep me there so starting in first grade I was in public school.

Right around then, the evangelist Luis Palau came to town and my family attended every night. My parents rededicated themselves to their faith and we started going to another Lutheran church, one that was more conservative and more lively. Yes, lively...if you can believe that of a Lutheran congregation.

Church was the thing we did every Sunday and Wednesday (kid's group and adult Bible study). I didn't know that it was possible to not believe in God, it was something everyone did. It wasn't a major part of my life, though. I just sang the songs and learned the stories like every other good kid was supposed to do. Mom and Dad said there was a God, and I had no reason not to believe them, so of course there was a God and Jesus was his son. When I was five, I talked my mom into making a cake at Christmas, since it was Jesus' birthday. We've done that every year since.

When I was 13, the youth group from the church went to a Christian music event. It was 3 days of Christian bands, preachers, and other entertainment. It was fun, even now I'll say that. And it was there that I "got saved" and got hardcore about my faith. I became known at school as the church girl, the one who wore Christian t-shirts, listened only to Christian music, read the Bible in class, and shared my faith openly with anyone in earshot. My best friend at the time had her own spiritual experience soon afterward and we became the dynamic duo for Christ. We spent more time studying the Bible than we did studying our homework, and our grades suffered for it. We didn't care; God wanted us to follow him. School didn't matter in the grand scheme.

My friend moved to Texas at the end of our freshman year of high school, and the following summer I went to visit. I got to go with her church group on a mission trip to Mexico, and even though I didn't speak a word of Spanish I had a great time. I wanted to be a missionary from that time on, and anytime a missionary came to my church to speak I sat in rapt attention. They came from Brazil, Mexico, and Poland, and one group even came from Papua New Guinea. It amazed me to think of the adventures I could have in these distant places, the languages I could learn, and all while doing God's work. I prayed that God would tell me where he wanted me to go. Once, I thought he told me to go to Poland, then I had a dream about Peru and thought I should go there.

I kept on with the church, even though by this time I was less interested in Lutheranism and more into the churches of my friends--my best friend had been going to a foursquare church before she moved and I kept on with the youth group there for a few years after she left. Another friend was a bass player for his Pentecostal youth group, so I would go with him and listen to the people speaking in tongues and shouting and dancing and thought it was just great. These were the real Christians, people who let the spirit move them however it happened. We all believed in the same things--the inerrancy of the Bible, the divinity of Jesus, original sin and the need for salvation--but my Lutheran church was too quiet, too formal. I liked the more personal, radical faith of these other groups. But my home church was comfortable. We were a very small congregation, more like an extended family, and my pastor was passionate about making sure we kids were brought up the right way. We got a video series from the now-infamous creationist Kent Hovind and I ate that up like candy. I thought his arguments were undeniably correct and the godless evolution of my science classes was Satan's way of trying to pull me away from my Jesus. Needless to say, my grades continued to suffer.

After high school, I floated for a couple of years. I kept on with my church, because by now I was a highly respected member, part of the worship team, and a youth group leader. I felt that there was something more I should be doing, and my thoughts returned to missions. My best friend had gone to a Discipleship Training School through Youth With A Mission (YWAM) and told me it was the best thing she'd ever done. The DTS was designed as an intensive course of Bible teaching and missions preparation, and culminated in an 8-week trip to a foreign country. The YWAM base she was with focused on missions in the 10/40 window: the area between 10 and 40 degrees latitude, east of the Prime Meridian, where most of the population is non-Christian. I decided to go for it, even though the cost was more than I could afford. I sent letters to family and friends and prayed for God to supply me the money I needed. On my 21st birthday, just two weeks before I was to go on my mission to India, I had it all paid off. That was proof to me of God's existence and love.

We spent 8 weeks in India, spending two weeks in Mumbai, two weeks in Chennai, about 4 days in Delhi, another two weeks in the Himalayan region of Ladakh, and leaving a few days for travel and tourism. I still have a hard time believing that I've seen the Taj Mahal in person, walked inside of it, and burned my feet on its marble surface (you're not allowed to wear shoes on any part of the building itself, and in 104-degree heat, you pay for it).

After I returned from India, I was so pumped about God and everything. I shared my story and photos from the trip with my church and family. My pastor took me on as a sort of protegee and one afternoon we went downtown to the city bus depot for evangelism. My pastor's type of evangelism was shouting Bible verses that condemned nonbelievers to hell while I passed out tracts. I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable, and that what we were doing was totally wrong. My God was a God of love, not hate! Yet the things my pastor was yelling to everyone were right there in the Bible. That was the first and last time I accompanied him downtown for evangelism.

I kept seeing the consequences of religion elsewhere. You hear about it all the time, people being maimed or killed in the name of God. People do weird things for their gods, like the guy in India who married a dog as penance for his crimes of animal cruelty. It was madness, and it was condoned in the Bible! I couldn't believe it.

Hurricane Katrina hit later that summer. I watched, helpless, as the city of New Orleans was laid to waste. In horror, I saw the news footage of bodies strewn about the city. I watched as babies cried for food and their mothers could provide nothing. I kept thinking, what kind of God would allow this to happen? Why would God, who created the world, create a storm of such magnitude that it would destroy his creation? What did those families do to deserve this? And why wasn't anything being done about it?

As summer turned into fall, and fall into winter, my church attendance began to drop. I blamed it on work. I was going to school full-time and had a part-time job. I began to seriously question my faith and why I believed. By the end of the year, I was more comfortable with the "agnostic" label and described myself that way. I was terrified that if I abandoned my faith altogether, that I would be sent to hell. I was terrified of God's wrath and although I wasn't sure of what I believed anymore, I knew I didn't want to suffer the consequences of non-belief. I went to church at times, more to appease my parents than anything. By this time they had switched to another church, one that was non-denominational and followed the teachings of Rick Warren, the "Purpose-Driven Life" guy. Their church is big on "love bombing" and outreach to alcoholics, drug users, and the poor. My dad loves seeing these people turning their lives around and it helps him keep his faith strong. My mom, who never used to open her Bible, now reads it on a daily basis.

In the summer of 2007, in a rebellious mood, I bought Richard Dawkins' book "The God Delusion". I wasn't yet to the point where I was willing to call myself an atheist, but I wanted to see what all the hubbub was with this book. I read it and it clarified to me, in a lot of ways, why I didn't believe the way I used to. The way he described Darwinism was drastically different from the way I'd heard it in church, and it made sense. By the time I finished the book, I knew I was an atheist. I knew that all the things I'd been taught all my life about God were totally false. And what's more, letting go of God helped me psychologically. I've dealt with depression most of my life, and I think a lot of it was due to guilt I felt from my religion. Getting rid of superstition helped me realize that I wasn't a bad person at all and I had nothing to feel guilty about. I could be a good person without God, and that realization was so freeing to me. Now I feel normal, and I couldn't ask for anything better than that.

My parents don't know about my atheism yet, although I'm sure they suspect. Now and then they ask if I want to go to church with them. I always politely decline and we leave it at that. Online, I'm very open about what I (don't) believe. Some of my family members are on Facebook and they keep telling me they'll pray that I come back to God. My sister gets very upset when I post something against religion. I'm okay with it, because I know that they're uncomfortable and upset when faced with new ideas or arguments that make them think. Thought is the beginning of doubt, and doubt is a gateway to reason.

Sorry to make this so long...I'll be surprised if anyone reads it! But my story can't be told in a couple of paragraphs. I lived a life under religion, and I'm happy to have broken free of it.

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Well, I've heard it before (or most of it); and I still read it. I do like any good deconversion story, even if I know the ending. Thanks for sharing.
I read it all and enjoyed it! What's funny is that we're almost the same age and seemed to be going through the exact same questioning stages at the same time. My parents were Baptist who became non-denom as well (although now they're Calvinist) and I went to a foursquare church in Nashville when I was 21-22. It's crazy to look back and see exactly what events caused me (us) to become non-believers after being so "on fire" for so long.

Thanks for sharing! :D
Welcome, Kristi!
I'm glad for you that you were brave enough to accept the truth when you realized that god is just made up .
I never believed any of it, since I was a little kid, I just knew it couldn't be true.
I read the story and enjoyed it. I gain a small sense of hope for a more compassionate humanity when I hear stories of embracing sense over nonsense.
Absolutely wonderful story. You clarified in a lot of ways, I think, why all of us are atheist. Even the strongest believer can be brought to reason if they're observant enough. Faith can exist because mental blindness can exist. You have to literally selectively block out parts of the Bible to be able to believe it and in that way, become reality-challenged and very disconnected from the beauty of the world we live in by creating one that doesn't exist. I'll take star pillars over a god as a beautiful idea any day; it certainly holds more awe and magisty to me.
What a powerful story, Kristi! I'm glad you didn't cut anything out because yours was a truly excellent deconversion experience. The faith you had to overcome and see past....amazing!

You know this freedom now, and you know the difference. I cannot say if you feel the same as I do, but I for one am glad (in retrospect) to have that understanding; I will certainly think again (and again and again and again) before buying into any other unsubstantiated claims. I sincerely doubt that I will ever believe in a god ever again. And, as it were, religion has only itself to blame. For being false in the first place.

Don't apologize for the length.  It took a long time for you to become immersed in religion and your story is so very typical.  My son is an ex-tian as well and his story would read much the same I'm sure with only the details differing.  I was a skeptic from earliest memory and put up with a log of religious BS until I shouted "ENOUGH"!  I went from a hyper active agnostic to an atheist and it was all brought about by my missus, our son and daughter coercing me to attend a "Christian Fellowship" as it had to be a "family thing".  Why that was they never explained.  She remains as committed as ever, unfortunately.


I put up with it for a year in the mid 1980s and after I had seen the core of what Pentecosts believe I tossed the entire agnostic bit aside and outed myself as a full-on Atheist.  In 1993 I moved to Fort Lauderdale, taking the missus with me and eventually our daughter.  Our son had already married by then and he and his Menonite wife lived in Williamsport, PA.  They eventually moved to Chicago.


While in Fort Lauderdale I was a volunteer at the James Randi Education Foundation and my missus hated it, blaming it and James Randi for my uncompromising Atheism.  In 2003 we moved to Wise County, TX right into the heart of born-again Tea Party And and I detest it. 


However, in 2004 our son and his family moved to Frisco, TX about 46-miles to our east and then his sister and her family moved from Mons, Belgium to within 3-miles from him a couple of years later so our two and their spouses and just as important our total 7 grandchildren are within an hour away.


the good news is that, just as I had predicted our son, who went to a bible college, where he met the girl that became his wife.  I had always taught him to be honest in all dealings and more importantly intellectually honest with himself, and that is the way he lives and works and it has rewarded him in his personal and professional life.  The good news is he eventually realized that what he was being told by the evangelical community of which he was a very active part did not square with what he saw each and every day and the obvious contradictions and outright lies drove him out.  I had the extreme pleasure of having him tell me that he had "wasted 15-years of his life in that shit".


Now for an atheist father to finally hear that and know his son os free of all that crap and doG in particular is truly priceless.

Kristi, Loved the story.  It gives me hope for those I know.  Thanks for sharing.


Thank you for sharing your story Kristy. I could relate to it a lot. Welcome to Think Atheist.

Thank you for that, Kristi. It was a very interesting read. Welcome to TA!

Woo hoo another ex-YWAMer!  I did my DTS in Vancouver in Sept 2004, and my outreach in Morocco and Amsterdam in Jan 2005, then I was one of 4 people to start up the YWAM base in Portland in Sept. 2006.  Pretty sure the base isn't there anymore.  It didn't last long.  

It's weird, I think, coming from a missionary background and into an atheist or agnostic perspective.  How do you feel about the time you spent in missions?  Personally, I really treasure my time as a missionary.  I traveled the world, met tons of amazing people, and was able to actually help people in practical ways.  I think back on it and the foolishness of all those prayer walks and group prayers and worship services and leading church services and everything...but all in all, I am glad I had those experiences.  So I'm curious to know what your perspective is on it.


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