I have made great strides in my recovery over the last couple of months. I wrote this poem which is really more like a cry out for love....
I wrote it as a cry and a plead to be able to find my biological Parents (and siblings of which I know I have at least 2 older siblings and possibly some younger ones).
I am coming to terms with the way things are. I am grieving the pain, the loneliness, the rejection, the apathy, and indifference, disrespect, manipulation, blatant undermining my feelings, the verbal and emotional abuse, the controllingness, that I have always felt from my family. I am grieving that my family does not love me. I am grieving that I really am alone to raise my son. I am sad that my son does not have a loving family to embrace him either.
But I find a glimmer of hope in the possibility of having a loving biological family. I know that I am possibly delusional about that. I was undoubtedly born in the midst of a crisis situation, and the very little that I do know about my birth, I have reason to suspect that my mother was also a victim of domestic violence, sexual abuse, etc.
The things I do know: She was 23. Divorced. Had 2 kids already. 10th grade education, worked as a secretary. She was underweight. So she either did drugs, or had an eating disorder. I was born premature. Based on the area of the country I was born in, there's a high probability she did drugs....the picture doesn't look pretty. I was born very premature...so....I wonder what caused her to go into premature labor.
If I found out that my biological mother was like that, I know....I just know....she would love me. and I would love her....
I am headed home for Christmas...and I am going to find her. I am excited to find her. This poem is about my feelings of a last hope at feeling true love. What does it feel like to be loved and wanted????
My last hope
You are my last hope at feeling what love is like
What does it feels like to truly be loved, not despised?
You are the only one who truly could understand me
And even though you let me go, I have never been truly free
You thought I would be just fine
If only you knew the things that have happened to me...
You left me in good hands, safe and secure
They looked good on paper
But they were broken from the start, and I was supposed to be their cure
This time of year I always think of you
Knowing you think of me too
I know that I am just like you
Oh how I long know you!!
It hurts. Because I know that something happened to you too. You're out there somewhere, and I am going to find you. Even if it hurts....who knows how I'll find you.
You are my last hope to be wanted. Everyone else has rejected me. They smile and they tolerate me. But they don't really care. I'm a nuisance and a burden. They wish I would go away, so that they wouldn't have to embrace someone who was never truly theirs.
I have never known what love feels like. You are my last hope. I'm coming to find you My Mother, and Father....
You are my last hope