Hello everyone, my name is Ari and I'm a new member to this group. Hopefully I could find some support for the tough situations I'm dealing with.
To start off, I'm male, 18, feminine, and bisexual as well as an atheist. It's hard being all of these things and living in a conservative state like Texas. The only person I've been able to talk about these things is the only atheist I know, my former psychology teacher. I have acquaintances at school, but so far have failed to make any lasting friends. I'm a senior and only have 7 weeks of school before graduation. My personality is very caring, shy, and generous but can be energetic in small groups where I feel comfy. Most of the laughs and smiles I make are unfortunately fake as I grit my teeth from the pain I feel inside.
I can start a conversation rather easily with someone but I can't seem to maintain a strong bond. This is probably due to people in the past taking the personal information I've shared and using it against me. To be completely honest, I really won't miss anyone from high school and want to start anew in college. Depression and overthinking are a common occurrence throughout the day. I typically stay at home and mostly stay around my older sister yet I really feel like I don't have personal space of my own. The only times I'm truly alone is late at night, as it is now, and when everyone is out of the house where I can think in peace. For most of my life, I've been a loner.
To expand upon my bisexuality and feminine nature, I definitely do not openly share this info in most cases. I came out to my parents and sister when I was 15 in an embarrassing fashion which resulted in neither disapproval nor comfort. Initially, my parents thought it was just a phase but I suppose they accepted it by now. We very rarely talk about the subject and I know they think it's a sin so I don't bother making them feel anymore uncomfortable as they probably already feel. I'm bisexual in a pretty confusing way; I'm more physically attracted to women and more romantically attracted to men. The most fitting partner for me would be a rather feminine guy, in appearance, that has a caring attitude like me and similar interests. Sometimes, I think that these standards are too specific and demanding especially since it seems that many other feminine gay/bi men seek masculine men. So far, I haven't been in any romantic or sexual relationships so the chances of getting my ideal guy feels even further away.
As far as my femininity level, I've worn nail polish before, been in a dress, despise all hair on my body except the eyebrows and hair on my head. The only issue is that those have been isolated incidences and I have way too much fear to think about showing this to anyone. I look like an ordinary guy, but these desires aren't just whims. Sometimes I'm tortured by these thoughts because I really want to be what I imagine myself to be but can't due to fear of harsh discrimination. If being bi wasn't confusing enough, this need to be feminine has been around for a long time before I was even aware of what it meant. It's a part of my being that I wouldn't be allowed to express in most places along with maintaining a job, if I had one, and it kills that part of me.
I've been an atheist for about the same time I realized my orientation. I'd rather tell people I'm an atheist rather than bisexual because I'm more shielded and prepared for those tricky, offensive, or invasive questions they may ask. I'm proud to be an atheist because all religions are the same to me and "God" is merely a human concept that can be used to explain what you WISH to be true. There could be something out there more powerful than us, but it probably wouldn't fit the label of "God" since the term "God" was conceived by earthbound beings who has yet to discover much outside their own world. I do not believe in the supernatural whatsoever. Every time I see a movie trailer for something supernatural it says "inspired by actual events" and I just think it's a tactic used to get people into that afraid mindset. We are very psychological beings and we often experience things that probably aren't real such as revelation, intuition, and out-body-experience. Due to our psychological nature we could easily believe in things that really aren't there at all.
Lastly, overall life has been lacking much joy and love. My joy and love started declining after I left elementary school and it became gradually got worse. The worst year of school in my life was junior year. I was bullied pretty badly and even attempted suicide one time because of all of the stress I suffered. No one in person knows that I tried to kill myself. No worries though, I haven't gone that deep in depression again and have actually been deterred from the act because of the fear I felt. My life by no means is uncomfortable in the physical since. I'm fed, clothed, sheltered, and have the little extra luxury of having a computer and such. I very rarely ask for anything and save money scrupulously. Although, some may argue that this is enough to be happy, it certainly is not. I have virtually no emotional support from my family (mostly because I don't speak about anything) but my parents and sis aren't the way to go because we are too different. I am definitely the black sheep of the family and sometimes worry about other family members who have not yet learned about these things about me. Sometimes I just hurt so much it feels like I have not where to go most of the time... This just means I'll have to find my own means of venting these negative emotions such as here.
Do you guys have any advice? I know it's a pretty long writing but any support is appreciated. I'm finally breaking the silence in this group that has lasted over a year surprisingly. :)
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First off I want to give you a hug.
Texas is a rough place to be an atheist (speaking from experience) and the public school system can be a rough place for anyone who the general populace considers an "outsider."
I can tell you that things do get easier. College is filled with a much more accepting bunch, and even if folks don't agree with you, they're generally a little more mature about it than your average high school kid. I blanket this over your sexuality, gender identity and atheism.
There are exceptions of course, I'm 30 and still come across southern Xtians who feel it is their place to set me straight. I've had some scares too...but overall things get better ten-fold once you are away from high school.
You'll often hear, "Don't let fear control your life."
It is advice worth listening to. Confidence in who you are helps others learn to accept, know and love you. Fear gives people the perception that they can manipulate you into being the person they think you should be.
If you want to find love, don't be afraid of yourself. Be the person you want someone to love.
I know I sound like a greeting card, but believe me when I tell you, it can be an amazing world out there.
Have you thought about going to college in a big liberal city? That's what I would do. Cut loose and take time to find yourself. It sounds like you've got balls. You've got nothing to lose.
It's not a big surprise that the rednecks surrounding you don't understand who you are. They can't even tell chance from the supernatural.
My advice would be to try and socialize more online. I know it's not the same, but at least it could be an outlet until you ditch that swamp of ignorance. I'm sure just writing your post made you feel a little better.
You can add me if you like, Cadence.
(disclaimer) I'm not lgbt or texan. But I noticed there are a few lgbt support orgs in your area. Even if being shy has been a handicap for you (as it definitely has for me), I'd strongly recommend going in person to see if it's possible to make any supportive connections, even if it's only to visit their offices for a few minutes.
And what kOrsan said. Keep finding online support.