Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Venus Lovejam on May 11, 2010 at 1:39pm

It also depends on your arena. Bars and nightclubs are bad for me, but if it's a friend of a friend, sometimes I have a better chance. Volunteering for your local glbtq club also helps you mingle. We're surrounded by straight people. Out in the everyday world, people of the opposite sex think you're fair game, unless you say so, but the most daring thing you can do is flirt with someone of the same sex "out there". Good luck in your pursuits!

Permalink Reply by S S Tragus on May 11, 2010 at 7:26pm

I am leaning ever more towards a rejection of the heterosexual/homosexual, male/female, masculine/feminine binary in discussion of human sexuality. The term bisexual suggests the same binary. I don't doubt that some individuals lean, by nature, more towards attraction to people of the same sex as their own, and some more to another sex, but even there, I think, nurture--not only early socialization by family, but also conditioning by the larger society and by observation, reading, watching, thinking--plays a significant role. I think animals, the human animal perhaps more than most others, are highly adaptable and that sexuality is one part physical (body parts) and another part psychological/emotional/cerebral (the person), so context can render a person attracted to another outside of one's usual predilections. I can, for example, be sexually attracted to a person whom I would never have found sexually attractive in a picture. Sometimes a person I would otherwise not find attractive at all, not my type at all, can become very attractive because of context--physical proximity and/or contact, social interaction and behavioural cues, humour, intelligence, emotional intimacy, etc.

I am also very suspicious of the 'ever since I was x years old I just knew' stories because of our tendency to reach back into our past, into our memories, to find evidence for, construct a case, and build a foundation upon which our current beliefs and feelings can rest. It makes us feel connected, anchored, less mutable, and therefore stronger to face internal and external resistance. I think we like to typecast ourselves as much as we typecast others.

I know why we prefer binaries and clear categories--they make for easier identification of friend and foe, don't require us to do much thinking or (self)analysis, and they allow us to feel more stable, less changeable. Binaries allow us to more easily take a stand, plant our feet firmly and say this is what and who I am, what I believe, what I do, and what is good. All else is not me, contrary to my beliefs, other than what I do, and quite possibly bad, or at least questionable.

I prefer the term omnisexual or, if we can learn to pay less attention to rigid categories altogether, simply sexual. We are sexual beings, people who may have certain hormonally determined predilections, certain conditioned responses, but who can, if we allow ourselves and depending upon context, love, lust and be sexual with other people regardless of sex, gender or orientation. We are also beings who may feel one kind of attraction now and another later.

Sorry if I haven't answered your question directly, only contributed to a discussion surrounding human sexuality.

Permalink Reply by Kris Feenstra on May 12, 2010 at 1:34am

...if we can learn to pay less attention to rigid categories altogether, simply sexual.

Before I even finished reading the 'or' in that sentence, I finished it pretty much the same way. The biological and psychological mechanisms are fascinating -- or rather for all we still don't know, must be fascinating --, but in social contexts, how important is it?

I remember writing a sci-fi story a long time ago (just for my own amusement). The main character is told to hide out in this gay district of sorts, which in reality ended up a district that's somewhat socially disconnected from the rest of the city, and somewhat self-governing in a de facto sort of way. Anyway, the main character was from a more isolated culture, so he didn't get the colloquialism used to describe homosexuals. It's not the concept of homosexuality that was alien to him; it was the notion that homosexuality needed its own word. He asks if there are other words like that to describe people who, for instance, only like to sleep with brunettes, or only like to sleep with people of the same skin colour.

Even people who are fairly open-minded -- hell, even myself to a certain degree -- can't quite shake the taboo and stigma placed on unconventional sexuality. I think part of the problem is that there's too much cultural obsession with pretending that there even is such a thing as conventional sexuality.

When we think about it rationally, I'd wager most of us would agree that the man who beats his wife is far more of a pervert than the man who cuddles with his husband, but from a cultural perspective, the former disturbingly seems more normal than the latter. When I say 'more normal', I'm not referring to which occurs with higher frequency, but rather which more closely represents a healthy mental state for a human being.

Permalink Reply by Amy Fry on September 5, 2010 at 2:02am

I do believe I agree with most of your observations about the labels being fluid. I've also observed individuals who lean so far to one side or the other (homo/hetro) that I couldn't picture a different outcome for him/her. I don't necessarily agree with the concept of "knowing" at an early age. I did have an intense crush on my 4th grade teacher which I could take as a "sign" but in reality it was my first discovery of not fitting into societies norm.

Permalink Reply by Kairan Nierde on July 6, 2011 at 9:55pm

I had the same doubts about the term bisexual as you.  I can't stand the gender binary...I'm queer to gender.  I don't like saying omnisexual or pansexual because of the connotations of promiscuity, a stereotype which we already deal with enough already.  I stumbled upon a blog post talking about genders and the term bisexuality that informed me about something which allowed me to accept the term bisexual.

• The original psychological meaning of bisexual was not someone attracted to both genders but someone whose sexuality was both homosexual and heterosexual.  Thus the coinage of bi-sexual.
  

Consider that homo=same and hetero=different.

 

Different-sex attraction, or heterosexual, doesn't strictly mean opposite gender attraction.  So, bisexual is homosexual (attracted to one's own gender) and heterosexual (attracted to other genders).

 

This kind of blew my mind.  I know it's not going to come across well on a poster either.  ;-)

_____________________

 

As for the, I was x years old stories, I know they're hard to believe if you don't have that experience, but I was closeted and in denial from a young age until college.  In first grade I have a distinct memory of when family friends were visiting from across country that I had the epiphany that I liked women sexually.  The rarity of their visits corroborates the time.  I don't know how I knew the word lesbian, but I wrote "I am a lesbian" while hiding the words from my family and friends.  It is a very detailed memory and an experience I'm sure very few heterosexuals have.

Permalink Reply by Kairan Nierde on March 24, 2013 at 5:30pm

I've decided it's just easier to say that I'm queer.

Permalink Reply by Venus Lovejam on September 5, 2010 at 4:04am

I'm also amazed at the ignorant bigotry towards bisexuality. I've almost lost friends, was harassed, have heard hatred towards and was just plain disgusted by what people said against it. You're misunderstood by straight, gay and lesbian groups who think you should be one way only for their minds to process what you are. If I had much of a dating life, I'd have more hassle, but regardless, there's another closet to come out of once you realize you like another gender. You come out of one closet when you realize you're attracted to the same sex, then when your heart beats faster for the opposite sex, you're inside another closet and you have to figure out how to open that door.

Permalink Reply by Hillary Spencer on October 18, 2010 at 3:03am

i am a 29 yr old bisexual atheist

Permalink Reply by Jonel Burge on December 17, 2010 at 9:50pm

I have had crushes on both males and females. I have only dated a single guy. Most people assume I'm straight but I more correctly identify as asexual--it's not the body parts, it's the personality. Sometimes a guy has the right mix of qualities, sometimes it's a girl who has them. Either way, I have come out as bisexual to a few close friends who I thought wouldn't judge--even a gay male's reply was "so a hole is just a hole for you, eh?", assuming that it was all the sexual angle.

I think bisexuals often get flack from both ends of the spectrum--gay and straight, with people expecting you to "pick a side" so to speak. But I think as many bodies are so interchangeable(I find convincingly androgynous people insanely awesome--I wish I had that sort of ability to transform), eventually it won't matter. I've been accused of being a guy lots of times, and it used to really bother me--not so much any more. It is mildly amusing to have people blink at me like I'm crazy when I say I identify as asexual.

I do fear general judgment from women if I out myself on having crushes on girls, though. So I generally keep quiet.

However, It is never about sexy tiemz, and I honestly would take a nice tea party with smoked salmon and cream cheese finger sandwiches over a steamy orgy any day(not that orgies are bad).

Permalink Reply by Tiffany Jade on March 26, 2011 at 10:11pm

Definitely :)

 

Interestingly enough, I've never actually been in a relationship with a woman. And, I never will because I'm getting married in three months. But I very recently came to the realization that I'm bisexual (or fluid),  I've had crushes on guys and girls my whole life.  And I find men and women to both be beautiful, women probably more so. But, I am marrying a man who is the love of my life.  And he completely understands my bisexuality and has no problem with it

Permalink Reply by Christopher Leon Bogardus on July 6, 2011 at 9:52pm

hi i am a bisexual male i have dated and slept with both sexes but im more attracted to males

i came out about being bi just a few months ago when i was going through depression 

depression come on by very homophobic and hateful dad and every one in a 20 mile radius i am 1of the 5 atheist  in my entire town and probably the only bi male in my town

Permalink Reply by Kairan Nierde on July 6, 2011 at 10:08pm

You are not alone.  You're very courageous to be out in those circumstances.  Is there an atheist group in a city nearby where you can meet other awesome people?

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