Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by kris feenstra on April 15, 2010 at 10:48pm

I don't have a short answer. Biologically, I'm not pulled strongly in either direction. I say 'either', but I just wasn't born with strong sense of definitive sexual identity in general. I am, to a certain extent, pulled by curiosity as well as cowed by certain inhibitions on social and cultural levels. My psychological obsession with the issue only ever complicates the matter. When I read people's stories and they say 'ever since the age of x I just knew; it was clear to me' or 'even before I knew what sexual orientation was, I knew I was a certain way' I've never had that. Not ever. Infatuations and sexual fantasies have always been all over the map. I don't have that strong of a compulsion to get laid anyway. I enjoy the interaction, intimacy, sexual gratification, and the idea of giving someone else pleasure, but I'm not really driven by it. It's never 'just sex' for me.

So, really, I try to keep an open mind about the people I meet. Without focusing on gender, I'll worry about who brings me happiness and whom, in turn, can I bring happiness to.

I suppose the trouble with sexual orientation is that, even if biology is the primary driver, inescapably there are psychological and cultural pressures that cause people to be dishonest with themselves. I hope that if I ever have kids, sexual orientation is much more downplayed in society and they can just pursue fulfilling relationships. Pursue, mind you, because screwing up relationships is practically a rite of passage regardless of sexual orientation.

Permalink Reply by Skycomet the Fallen Angel on April 16, 2010 at 12:04pm

OMG! Story of my life!! I'm probably bi, but I can't say I can put a lid on that and call it "the end." And what is just as confusing is my apathetic attitude toward sex [I don't seem to have much of a "sex drive."] and that I am attracted to male bodies one moment, and female bodies the next, and then somewhat of a combination. I have thought for a while I was some kind of freak show. But I guess there is no such thing as a "Freak" in the GLBTQ community. ^_^

Permalink Reply by Kairan Nierde on July 6, 2011 at 9:24pm

Lol, I can SO relate!  When I was in high school I went from noticing guys to girls to guys and so on, but it never really at the same time.  The idea of bisexuality never connected, so I thought I was straight most of the time, but maby twice a month or every couple of months I went through this crisis of..."OMG, am I A LESBIAN!!??!!"  Which was sooo traumatic, since I'd been 'praying away the gay' since age six (fucking catholicism).  In college, I learned about bisexuality and felt so much relief!!!  Sometimes I still have that omg feeling of: "what if I am really a lesbian or am I straight--this bisexuality thing can't be real!" ...but then I realize it's just the biphobia and I chill.  Now, I'm attracted to people with genders all over the board.

Permalink Reply by Skycomet the Fallen Angel on May 10, 2010 at 1:27pm

BTW... the GLBTQI community is so diverse [from what I have heard] that it's not uncommon to not have a definite "label" for yourself. Just be yourself... and "to hell" with what anyone else thinks of it.

Permalink Reply by kris feenstra on May 10, 2010 at 1:58pm

Well, people are people. No matter what community you find yourself a part of, there are people who will just accept you as you are for what you are, and there are people who will accept you only if you conform to their notions of what you should be. Well, maybe you won't always find the former, but you will always find the latter.

I think that people are becoming more progressive and open towards human sexuality in general. GLTB communities, tending to be more progressive and left-leaning, are often going to be a that the forefront of this, but I don't think it's ever something that should be taken for granted.

Permalink Reply by Lydia Hickman on March 24, 2013 at 7:54am

Have you ever explored asexuality? There are different forms of it, it's worth a look since this is how you feel. I have several friends that consider themselves asexual who also consider themselves atheist or agnostic.

Permalink Reply by kris feenstra on March 24, 2013 at 6:03pm

Yes, but there are practical complications with how the term is applied and how it is interpreted. It breeds misconceptions. I don't know if it represents the first instance of the term 'asexuality' to describe sexual orientation, but Kinsey applied it to his eponymous scale as a single value falling outside of the orientation spectrum. I think it could represent a spectrum all its own.

Let's say, for the purpose of this conversation, we create a scale from 0 to 10. 0 represents someone perfectly asexual. 5 represents someone who feels sexual attraction strongly, but only selectively. 10 represents sexual attraction to pretty much anyone and everyone. In that sense, perhaps I am typically a two.

But then we hit a bit of a snag with 'sexual attraction', and this is the where the term 'asexual' becomes tricky. In the above scale, I'm talking about a biological impulse making a person sexually desirable. This is something exceptionally rare for me to experience, yet I do enjoy sex and there are other factors which make me attracted to certain individuals such as personality, emotional and intellectual connection, and to some extent aesthetics. It's just that 'heat' I am largely missing.

Perhaps you could say I have sexual appreciation over sex drive.

So while what I am saying does fit within various understandings of asexuality, it would be a term only useful to someone versed in sexuality terminology, imo.

Permalink Reply by Holly on April 16, 2010 at 5:56pm

:D

Permalink Reply by Venus Lovejam on April 28, 2010 at 11:04pm

I use to think I was straight, then I figured I loved women, then a man came along. If I'm lesbian, then the future will tell me; if I'm straight, well, I don't feel I really am straight. All I know is what my heart/privates want. If I like/love that person, it's not because of their gender.
Anyway, I'd love to be just a lesbian, but my heart says "Liar!". I almost wish I were straight, but my heart would say, "Liar!"

Permalink Reply by Kairan Nierde on July 6, 2011 at 9:26pm

I think about how much easier it would be to just be a lesbian a lot.  But it wouldn't be real...

Permalink Reply by sissybearsheba on May 10, 2010 at 5:13am

hi!!! im a bisexual, although i've never dated another woman, i have found them attractive.

Permalink Reply by Skycomet the Fallen Angel on May 10, 2010 at 1:26pm

^_^
I personally have trouble approaching a woman I'm attracted to... it's much harder than approaching a guy... ya' know... you never know if you're gonna creep a girl out.
So I've never dated another girl either.

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