My wife got angry last night and stormed out with our kids. She told them that she was going to take them shopping because she didn't know the next time I would be leaving the house. She is mad because our vacation is over and besides some time at a hotel we didn't go anywhere.
It is no secret to her that I have social anxiety and that I struggle with it. I feel embarrassed, put down in front of my children, and angry as she left with the kids ( oblivious to what was really going on ) smiling along. Today, the day after, she is slamming everything and stomping around the house. Obviously she is angry but I refuse to apologize for my actions. I know that she shouldn't have to ask me or drag me along. I don't just go out to go out. She doesn't even know where she wants to go, she just wants to go somewhere with the kids. I admit that I let our vacation slip away without even taking the kids out but I feel that her reaction was not necessary.
This isn't the first time she has done something like this. I will admit that I have detected bitterness, anger, and depression just for starters within me. I am trying to get myself together. I am supposed to be going to school in the summer. I am trying to hold on to the mentally draining job I have at Walmart. I am trying to teach my kids respect. I have goals and right now I am trying to put everything in a row. Her dream is to stay at home with the kids. That's not a bad dream, it is just not really attainable at this point with myself trying not to go over the edge.
Everyone tells me that my wife is spoiled because of me and that I should be more dominant I guess. That's not who I am and I strongly believe that it is way too late to try anyway. I do not think that I am a push over. I come to her wanting her to help me pick up my pieces and put the puzzle together and I think she rather go do something else while I do it myself.
I have felt so many emotions within the last 24 hours. I felt rage... I wanted to stare into her eyes and tell her just how I feel about what she was making me feel like and how she isn't so perfect herself. I did not do this.
I felt the self pity and depression... I wanted to agree with her words and go hurt myself. I did not do this.
I felt like I'm in this house with an enemy. Here I am trying to recovery from several years of incorrect thinking and she comes and laughs at my progress in my face. I still feel angry and I feel my blood pressure rise when she stomps around the house mad at me. I fight the familiar ignorance in my head as I fight the feelings that I am not a person that anyone could love.
So now I am pondering what to do next. Many people, even those of her family have said that they wouldn't be surprised if I leave her. Some have said it is amazing that I have been here this long. My mother isn't alive anymore or I would have been on the way to her I think. I feel like I have no place else to go. I can get a hotel room but that is only temporary. The kids still need to be taken care of. If it was just me the decision would be easy but it is not just me. If I do get a room I would have to come back to watch them while she is at work. I am supposed to be back to work tomorrow but how can I go in there like this? It takes everything I have to work my weekends and I can feel my heart beating like mad.
There are two sides to every story and I'm sure that I could tell more. You don't even know how hard it was to write this much. I fought with myself for hours before doing so. People need people but it is so embarrassing to admit that I am confused and weak right now. I just don't know what to do. I'm still thinking about getting a room and hiding in it until Monday so I can think. It's so hard to think with her sleeping in bed. I just know that I have to do SOMETHING. Even if I am as worthless as I think I am, I deserve better than this.